sexual dysfunction?

i am a 23 year old survivor of childhood sexua| abuse who is having trouble experiencing normal sexua| activities.

i rarely have sex. i do often masturbate. usually this is fine but sometimes i try to masturbate and it only upsets me. i would like to be able to be able to masturbate without crying.

i do not have romantic relationships. when i do have sex, it is always impulsive and my partners are always older men--often older men who mistreat me. it is like i compulsively re-live the abuse.

i don't think that i'm the only person who has experienced these sorts of things. are there specific terms for them? does anyone have resources they could direct me to, or offer advice on overcoming these things? any advice is appreciated.

thank you.

[edited to add that i am not interested in therapy at this time.]

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