So I've never told my story in full, so here it goes. I'm a 22 year old female who has lived with the painful memories of being sexually molested by my step-dad for years. It was when I was four that I have my first memories of life and the hectic things my family was going through. My mother was going through a divorce with her first husband and I had two older brothers who are almost ten years older then me. It was a fierce battle, to the point where my new step-dad and old step-dad were fighting in the streets with crowbars. My mom work 15 hr overnights to keep a roof over our heads, so sometimes I would be left with my brothers who relentlessly tortured me or with the new dad. I didn't really know him and I was a little scared of him from the get-go. One night he was baby-sitting me and I wanted to sit and watch movies with him. Instead of letting me sit on the couch, he laid on his back and made me straddle him. He proceeded to have me bounce up and down on him. This continued every time he volunteered to watch me until one night, he asked me if I liked him and took me into their room where he made me put his penis in my mouth and then proceed to penetrate me. He told to me keep my mouth shut or I'd have to go live with my evil brothers. After that I would only sleep in my mom's bed when she was home and tried not to fall asleep if he was the only one there. Soon this became a problem and my mom said I was too old to be sleeping with her so I was forced to my bedroom. He would always make me wear dress nighties to bed at night and sometimes I'd wake up to him standing over me or him lifting my dress up. I was so scared to stir up more issues in my mother's life I couldn't tell her. Well they got married in the spring and he got a job driving cross-country and wanted to take me on road trips. My mom let it happen and I traveled all over the us with him. There was only one bunk in the truck and it was really crowded. We would stop at truck stops for showers and instead of taking turns with me, he would make me take showers with him, often putting his penis near my face and insisting on washing me. I guess he began to think I was getting too old and this stopped. He is a compulsive gambler and we stopped at many casinos along the way, some of them I had to stay in the truck because they had no arcade. When I was seven, we were at a casino and I had to stay in the truck, I fell asleep and later woke up to him in between my legs, licking me and feeling up on me. He was saying my mom's name and reeked of alcohol (this is a man who never drinks). I began to panic because he wouldn't stop no matter how hard I pushed him away. I kept saying "It's me! It's me! Stop!" and it's like he woke up from a slumber cause he immediately stopped and profusely apologized and promise I would never tell my mom for it would destroy her. She is a fragile woman. After that I stopped going on road trips with him but as I aged he would physically abuse me. Once I had sneaked out of the house to hang out with some friends in my apartment complex, he found me, called the cops on me and told them I had been raped and proceeded to beat me until I was bruised and two of my fingers were broken. When they shown up he made me tell them I had lied and I actually didn't get raped. They took me into custody and put me in a juvenile jailhouse. The officers there questioned my bruises and twisted fingers and I just said everything was fine. Thus the denial continues. Throughout the years, he has commented on my development and touched my breast when I was 20 while I was holding a kitten. He may have not meant it but it made me feel so disgusting. I'm so scared to tell my mom and in some ways hold extreme resentment towards her. She is still married to him and has no idea of the abuse I endured. I'm scared she will reject me or think that I'm lying to her. She seems so happy but I know if she knew this, her whole world would fall apart. Where do you start to confront your demons? I've told to man I am with that I have been abused and he said I need to confront him, but he can't possibly understand what I've gone through not being a victim himself. It's gotten to the point that he resents me for not doing something about it. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. Please help me figure out how I can find peace.
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