Re: Too overwhelmed to fight illness

lol thanks for the words of encouragement. heh, almost made me feel a little better. though i do wonder what that removed comment said.. haha. see theres people that absolutely hate me in life too... people ive never met from the internet. they follow me around and trace my web browsing so whenever someone trolls something i post, i wonder if it is this same person/people f***ing with me. (i think it is a small group of pseudohacker troll a**ho**s i unfortunately met many many years ago in a chat room)

its really pathetic they do it. sucks that im going to have to be plagued by these pissants all the way to the grave but it is what it is and nothing can be done about it lol.

but, that said im wondering what the removed comment said XDD haha because i do wonder if it was one of these true stalker/haters following me. but oh well. it was probably just some wack crap as usual (if it was them) or if it was just some insensitive remark by a real user... well, i expected that from the tone i wrote this in lol.

anyways yeah, i hear your comments. i want to believe that my attitude can help me, but i know it also wrecks me. leads me to overanalyze and conclude i can/should do things i shouldnt (like getting wasted). ive adjusted my diet alot since first getting ill a few years back. and i do maintain a relatively stabilized digestion. i just know im not eating whats really good for me. not restricting enough. i really need help from a nutritionist hopefully of the naturopath variety. but from my own research i do know what to do, i just cannot make myself. its too hard for me to kick myself in the ass.

i know theres alot that can be done for cancers too but it is so hard to get started and stick on it, and i really feel like it is just way too late for me. i should know by next week if i have bone cancer so maybe that will force me to change my lifestyle... but as i understand it, bone cancer is what you get towards the end stages of other cancers. my growth is result of a trauma and may not be cancer but both legs now are aching and it seems likely to me.

i know they will want to use radiation and probably remove the tumors but i dont know if i should even do that. in my band i sing and program the music. we are an electronic/industrial rock band with mixed influences. we never released anything published but have done alot over the yeras in the local california underground scene. alot of people have hated my music in the related crowds on the internet and therefore hated me, hence the stalking. they get such a kick out of reading my suffering or pestering me that they cant leave me alone. they tell me it fuels them and gives their life purpose. that they are my true *fans*.

people are truly sick eh? the healthy ones moreso. lol, peace

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