Re: need advice regarding a problem with my boyfriend - please help

Hi Atalanta,

sorry I got busy and didn't get back with you

to save time I don't puntuate - please excuse me for this

well hope you don't mind me replying back now

I want to thank you for your advice.

it help me to understand some things about him

we kind of got into an argument last night or just little bit
of a heated debate or discussion

I got upset over something he said to me

he's from over by Russia

what you said about there culture - yeah - you're pretty right
about that

he live very cheap

for some reason he finally took me out for a couple beers
last night

but he was saying things that upset me this past weekend

I spent hours and hours trying to help him finish this project
to get his degree.

I've not demanded or put my foot down (insisted) that he take me
out on dates.

but last weekend I'm afraid I did get depressed and started
crying in front of him at his very small place

it was about the no going out thing

yes I would be very willing to pay for all dates

unfortunately my business went bust (fell apart) and I've been
very broke - just broke all year

not money to spend - no money at all to spend - not $1, not $2 - not even $5
and certainly not $20-$40 which I would be happy to spend on a date
taking us both out if I had it

and of course I'd spend $5 if I had it so me and him could
go out for coffee

some young woman interrupted us sort of on our date
she out of the blue starts making small talk - I got the feeling she
was playing games and was trying to get my boyfriends attention
yet he did not even turn around to look at her

we sit there he drank sodas and I drank my 2 beers and we had a good
time - it was kind of awkward bet us especially after this young girl
sort of intrudes herself into our date - our conversation among ourselves

and when we got back to his place I slept while he worked on his
school stuff

then I woke up and we got to talking

I got to talking about socializing and asking him about his social life
back home in his country

he said he got to go to lots of wedding and got to dance allot etc

then got into conversation about bars, nightclubs

he says he doesn't go out dancing at nightclubs anymore since his
friend "won't mention name of his friend - his buddy here" wasn't
here anymore - his friend got a job and left the state couple year ago

and since I been trying all these past months to get him to take
me out danceing and fun times

I asked him "well I'm here and you never wanted to take me out
dancing - only to some free concerts and perhaps one time we went
dancing a little at this one bar that had a live band"

so the picture was he would go dancing if his friend "so & so" was
still here yet he won't take me out

and then he tells me the reason and so apparently it's not just the
money issue or his big project to get high up degree award (needing to
spend lots of time on that and goodness knows I've spent tons of time
with him trying to help him get it down and just even sitting with
him for hours and hours while he worked on it because apparently he
wanted me to be with him while he worked on it)

so there's a 3rd big reason - even more reason apparently

the 3rd being things kind of like the thing about this young woman
barging in on our date or perhaps just being polite for some reason

the 3rd reason he hasn't wanted to take me out - his 3rd excuse
is he thinks he will be looking at younger women or something to do
with other women and I would be all upset

but as I told him it's me and him going out and we supposedly love each
other so we are going out together - who cares about other people (men
or women alike)

so it did get me perturbed and upset that this was one of the reasons

I told him I could accept (try my hardest to) the money issue and the
priority of him needing time for his big school project

but yet this other 3rd reason to me was unacceptable

I mean I know that men will look at women and perhaps even fantasize
about other women - but if he's with me on a date why would he even
need to be worried about other women for or even worried he's talk
to them or look at them. me and him are out together on a date for the
purpose of enjoying each other company and quality fun time together.

so all this is really telling me is that he really doesn't love me
after all

and I wonder why has he been telling me for some weeks now that he
loves me - I'll say "I love you" to him and then he'll say "I love you to" -
it did take him some months before he would say this

he especially said it after I kind of told him several weeks ago - if
he couldn't love me or didn't love me then I couldn't go on with the
relationship anymore - it was just to painful

and I find his 3rd reason to not take me out painful to - so I ended up
crying again last night ( or early this morning)

everything was kind of OK when I left - he didn't really want me to leave
but I wanted to leave and I told him I needed to go home

and he was OK with that I guess and so I just got home an hour or so ago

and I do not feel happy - recently I was so happy because I thought
everything was great

and now nothing seems great

this relationship is starting to sound like a big waste of time to me

I even told him while we were discussing things this morning that since
he has that other reason he doesn't want me and him going out that now
I have to insist that he at least take me out every other weekend.

and last night I asked if I could kiss him in that bar and so we had
a nice little kiss (DPA) display of public affection

but then during our discussion the way he talked like he didn't like
that (kiss - DPA) and he'd rather not do that

yet at the time he seemed fine with it and he's kissed me out in the
open before - he's kissed me (a nice lingering small kiss - couple seconds
kiss and few second hug - pretty long hug in public (outside public that is)

and this weekend he was saying and he got me agurvated (irked) when after
I get there and in no time after I suggest we take a little walk and then
we come back and work on his school project - he says I go with you on the
walk and then put you on the bus home

here we've been almost inseparateable all these months - spend every other
day together - sometimes days in a row together or even lots of time
and then this weekend he brings up the idea of maybe he's take me out once
on the weekend and we would not see each other during the week

so that's kind of gotten me upset

all these hours I've put in helping him and helping him do job search to
and he starts to bring this stuff up

he's the one telling me he gets depressed when I leave

he's been virtually alone most of past years and couldn't seem to finish
up this degree

and I thought these past several months I'd been a help to him and
we talked about marriage pretty seriously and he told me he would take
me with him (me and my adult son) with him when he finds a job
and we'd all live together just like a family and me and him would
get married

but now all the sudden he's backing off

this morning he stills claims to love me and says he plans to still take
us with him

but after all the things he said tonight I'm totally confused and baffled
and thinking how is it this man really loves me when he's saying this stuff
that isn't making me feel loved - that isn't making me feel good about myself
or our love relationship

he says it's not working with me being there and it's not working with me
not being there - he's saying things as if he wants things to end bet us
to change allot - or not spend near as much time together

just last night I got him working on his project and he was making good progress
and I planned to get him doing this work every day or every other day at least
and I was going to help him with job search -he got some deadlines to apply for
some jobs coming up - deadlines are pretty soon and he can't seem to do job search
on his own and so I'm very willing to help him

but if he doesn't really love him I don't think I feel or I ought to be
helping him with anything

and so all the sudden he is not happy and sounds upset and like he's
complaining that I'm there to much yet he says he can't do it by himself either

well I'm at a total lose now

I'm feeling a bit fed up with all of it.

I've given so much of myself and my time - expecting very little indeed
I'm talking about dates now. not getting to do much of anything with him
besides helping him do his work

we watched some TV together some of the times and he was complaining about that

I don't think I want to go over to his room anymore - I don't think I want
to help him anymore either.

it kind of feels like it's over bet me and him
or that it might as well be

he almost makes me feel like I'm ugly
and I'm an attractive lady

yet I'm some years older then he is - maybe that's why I feel so insecure

and I call him honey, sweetie all the terms of endearment and he only calls
me by my name

although a couple months ago I did manage to pull it out of him that he
regarded me as "sweetheart" although he didn't actually call me sweetheart

I need to work on this job search for him for those deadlines in 2 weeks but
you know now I just don't feel like it - I've no get up and go to do it for him.

what's the point -

and before I left him this Sunday morning I asked him a ? - I asked him
"how much do I mean to you?" and also "how much does our relationship mean
to you?"

he says I'm everything to him, I'm all that he has and that he doesn't have
anybody else

well just like early on in this relationship - early April this year
when he made me feel as though he's so along and desparate that I'm better
then nothing - I'm better then having no one

I'm one of the few women he's had a relationship with.

he's had virtually no relationships just one small one that was very brief
and no dates

and what I would call not getting to sew his wild oats

which worries me to

I've sowed my wild oats - I know what I want and I made it very clear to him what
I want. I want a man in my life - I want a partner for life - I want a marrage with a man I love and that loves me.

yet this younger man I've this love relationship with - it seems to me that
he is still thinking about other women

my old, no good drug, alcohol addicted boyfriend gave me a bad enough complex
about younger women - that they are so much better and more worthwhile as a
woman then I am and I've only a few years till I'm 50 years old yet I'm
fairly youthful looking & acting for my age and I'm fairly attractive for my
age

but I know I'm not super pretty - I know I'm not beautiful

my boyfriend is a very sweet guy and give me lots of affection and I start
crying this morning and he holds me and comforts me - yet he hurt me again
by things he was saying to me (other girls he seems to be worried he will
notice and he will get me upset or something) if he loves me why would I
get upset but then if he really loves me why does he think he would be
looking at other women (girls) when me and him are out on a date

and when I feel hurt I feel my feelings withdrawing and when he was holding
me I couldn't feel my wonderful love feeling for him

because why love someone who really doesn't love me back
a man who doesn't want to take me out on dates and show me off

and now he has money though he's not working at the moment
he's plenty of money put back that he could afford to budget
even a little bit - even like $50 or $60 a month
he only pays for his living - his total month spending living very cheap
is only around extimate of $400 possible just a little more but not much
more

I mean this man of mine won't even treat me for a cup of coffee when we
could be working on his school project (for his award) at a coffee shop.

I don't even know if I care if he takes me out anymore - I've had
to fight so much to get anything and I deserved to be taken out.
I spend lots of my time helping him when I could be spending all those
hours helping myself get out of these poor circumstances of my own (my
money worries etc).

but I really, really love him so I want to help

I give and give

and he does give as far as affection and time with him

but not many dates not unless it's free
and even free dates (little walks - even these are few)

well I'm at a total loss

and I feel heartbroken even though he says we are not broke up
(I asked him this morning since it sure was sounding like it)

please help me - I'm at a total loss

and I'm so unhappy - I can't stand living in this town anymore

I've no fun at all in my life - not really.

well my fun I suppose would be my time with him, my boyfriend
but yet I'm so limited on fun experiences with him

seems to me like it's over or that it might as well be over

what do you think?

what should I do?

I don't think I want to help him anymore. I don't have it in me anymore to
help - I feel lifeless - I feel limp and out of pep and can't think of the
right words but I feel just aweful, just terrible.

I feel so unhappy at this moment I do.

very depressing situation - my whole life is depressing except
for my 25 year old son that I love so very much

I don't think I want to go over to his room anymore.

and he very seldom want to come over here to my mobile home I live in

I even fix him food and bake cookies.

last night I fixed some cajun food and my son just complimented me on it
and boyfriend really seem to like it to

I thought it was very good myself.

well help me people - please help me - I need advice very badly

thank you very much

sincerely,


L (anonymous)

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