Re: Leave or stay?

Your question about wanting to be with someone that would want to destroy the hearts of my children is valid. I do not think she views it that way, she views it from a selfish viewpoint (as I do at times obviously). She sees what she wants and believes that the kids will be fine as people divorce all the time. I think deep down she sees it differently but is blinded by her desires. She is a good woman but she has problems too, just like I do. I know people do not view women or men that do this as "good", but she really is. People make mistakes and the outcome of those mistakes sometimes is greater than we can imagine. We made the mistake to cheat to start with. The outcome is something greater (love) than either of us imagined and love is a powerful emotion. We both feel and have for years that we are meant to be together (sorta 5th grade I know) but a person knows what they feel and want and what makes them happy. We have spent A LOT of time together over the years and have an absolutely great time together and I am not just speaking of sex. Even when sex is not involved, we have such a wonderful time and connection. It is what I always wanted to feel and have only felt with one other woman in my life....not my wife.

My wife and I have been together for about 13 years, married for about 7. We are in our early 30's and our children are just starting school. My wife has not had as many relationships as I (per her) but I have been in about 5 serious relationships in my life...relationships I considered love to be a part of. She says she has had 3 serious relationships. I have dated much, much more prior to marriage (sad when you have to qualify when I dated). This is the only woman I have ever cheated with or even considered it with. The woman I am cheating with has cheated with at least one other persion while she has been married. Could be more, she says just him. That was before we got together.

I do realize that relationships are up and down, I have been there. This is different than just a down to me, but maybe there is a way to fix it that I do not see. When you view someone as I view her, with love but absolutely NO attraction and none for years, I am not sure how you do that. Can you really make yourself be attracted to someone?

You mention paranoia and I certainly feel that. I constantly worry about whether this woman I am seeing is creating the same thing she created with me at her new job. We met at work. It drives me nuts and I mean nuts. I have tried many times to end the relationship but one of us comes back to the other and no matter how much we are hurting from not being together as we want or from the feelings of insecurity that this relationship breeds, we end up back together. We are both weak in that respect. When I am not with her, I miss her. I truely miss her. I miss such small things...I miss hearing her laugh, hearing her sigh. It is not just sexual, it is much more than that. I enjoy being with her just as a person, she makes me feel something I have never really felt in my marriage...she makes me feel like a man, not just a friend. My wife has never made me feel this way since the day we met.

A lot of what you say could be true...I do not know. Emotions and problems can grow to such a level over the years her and I have been together that they take a life of their own so to speak. Reality become twisted. Living two lives is insane. The guilt I feel from what I am doing to my wife who is a wonderful woman is immense same with my kids. The guilt I feel by being with a woman that I love and loves me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together but cannot provide that to each other is heavy.

Who knows, if I left and her and I could be together it may not be all we think it is...I cannot imagine that is possible. These feelings have grown and grown over the years....not faded any. We both feel that the insecurity we feel and the paranoia we feel would go away if we were out in the open. We hide each other, why would we not hide someone else is what we both think?

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