Re: Listen

12858,

I understand why your "Listen" reply was the way it was. The replies to your initial post so far were kind of 'ignoring' your pain. I would feel the same way you do about that (they were not very respectful of your pain, similar to 'mocking' it).

I'm 53 years old, suffered 51 yrs. of suicidal depression and grew up in a dysfunctional family since childhood, so I know how bad it can be to have a 'mental' family and how bad it can be for the child.

You have no reason to be ashamed, PARENTS should be ashamed of the failure of the family to be peaceful and happy. They failed their God-given responsibility to care for their children properly, and as poetic justice would have it, they remain MENTAL (in my opinion, they're getting off light,...FOR NOW). Anyway, you have no reason to be ashamed. I would also say that you have NO REASON to feel guilty for what happened in the family, you were only a child (and still are),...what were you supposed to do,...beat everybody into submission so they would stop fighting? You were helpless in the situation.

So, you learned to feel helpless, and you learned insecurities and fear of not being in control of a situation.

"fear" is the main reason for agoraphobia (fear of not being in control of a situation, fear of not being able to escape, feeling unsafe), but these are FEELINGS. Unfortunately, the world is not a completely safe place, but you can ride in cars and buses, you can ride elevators, work in offices, restaurants, etc. if you want to. All you have to do is realize that these particular "fears" of being in certain places are just a FEELING. Of course, being in a place that really is dangerous because of what is going on at the time (such as a construction site where a building is being demolished) is a "rational" fear, but being in a restaurant where everybody is sitting down peacefully and eating safely and happily is "safe" (being in a safe and happy place should not be feared, this would be an irrational fear).

It might take a few days of practice to get used to being in a restaurant or riding a bus, but you should have no problem going to the seminar.

Learn the difference between rational fear and irrational fear.

1) When there is a rational/reasonable/logical/sensible reason not to do something because it is KNOWN to be unsafe, this is a RATIONAL fear. If you are aware of there being an UNREASONABLE amount of RISK involved, it is of course rational to be afraid.

2) People in a restaurant eat with KNIVES, but this fear would be irrational.

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There are places that you should avoid because of the unknown risk of being in such surroundings,...like a neighborhood or street where there are not many people around. This is generally considered unwise and unsafe unless you have a gun to protect yourself and it would be considered a rational fear because it would be reasonable to think that you could be a victim of crime.

But a place where there are many people that are peaceful and happy (in public) is not a place for FEAR, but only and always have reasonable CAUTION (don't cross the street when there's traffic, etc.).


You'll be okay for the seminar (and then you'll go to a restaurant for coffee).
Do you have fears in your house?

Oh, and stop feeling ashamed. You have survived a lot from a "dysfunctional" family (that's a "polite" name for a very serious thing, huh?, I know, it's 51 yrs. serious). There is no "standard" way of living life. Other people have such an ego that they think their life and ways of doing things are better than ours, so they ridicule and criticize other people (us especially). The only reason we ever feel ashamed is because we compare ourselves to others. But, those other people that have a NEED to make you feel ashamed,...it's because they really consider you to be better than they are (the truth is NOBODY is better THAN another, but if you learn from a bad situation, you can be better FOR THE EXPERIENCE, better than you were before.

You have no need to be ashamed (disappointed in your family,...YES), but not ashamed (quite the opposite, you are a SURVIVOR and have learned more than you now know, you should be proud of that.

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