Re: Suicide, what happens after death anyone guess.

well

i was looking for some answers to this life changing choice that lays before me. soo many things have driven me to this decision. for one thing i do not believe i am mentally ill well anymore than anyone else is. i do suffer from persistant depression as diagnosed by the military after my tour of duty with the navy.
events leading me to this decision include well i wont go too deep into them. my wife who is a very big meth addict (i am not into meth just to let you know so your mind doesnt wander) well my wife before i could divorce her had a daughter with a man who is black and all three of them came up as having meth in their system at time of birth. ive tried to seperate from her multiple times but she would not sign the papers because i am a good father(this pending decision doesnt make me good but i cant help it) i became a massage therapist and met a beautiful beautiful girl who was very broken inside and not knowing where life was bringing her so after she and myself graduated m.t. school in las vegas i sold my car(89 honda accord...it was sweeet) and took her to salt lake city to get her away from her unappreciative family so she could find herself. we used alot of high grade marijuana(chronic) and lived a great life in slc which she found some of what she was looking for. shes a very big christian type and brought me back to God after i had blamed him for taking my father away in the past years when i needed him the most. she was just what i needed to find myself so we got along like peas and carrots, i did sooo much for her and she was like nothing i had before.
well multiple times when we would have sex she would ask me to come inside of her and i didnt because i saw a bright future for her. i didnt want her family to be able to say i told you so(they had said shed come back with a baby under each arm which i wouldnt allow them to say that bc they disrespected her sooo much)after i graduated utah college of massage therapy and became a master bodyworker we stayed in slc for the rest of the winter.
she hated working so we got by on what i got as a disability pension from being wounded in desert storm and i sold plasma a good bit. she wanted to join the military and get married after boot camp so i brought her to a coast guard recruiter to give her a good life and to make sure she wouldnt see iraq. well since we didnt have the money to pay for the van we recently bought used it got repossessed and you cant join the coast guard with a repo. so he brought us down to the army recruiter. a month before we had went down there i had got her a asvab book to study up on so she could get a good score on the test. (i only got an 87 but i knew she could get atleast that) when she took the test she scored a 90 which i was happy as a clam about. the recruiter offered her any job so we chose combat medic (68w) which gives her a $20,000 bonus over 4 years. since she had a touch of asthma i worked on her endurance and stregnth over the next month & 1/2. got her to run a mile in 9 mins. do sit ups and push ups some of which she had never done but i had faith.
she got into boot camp and graduated which was hard for her because we missed each other fiercely, i wrote her alot. 21 pages front and back the first few weeks she was gone. i went to see her in missouri after graduation for a week it was great and we loved each other even more. none of her family came to see her but of course i did and took pics for her family. i came back to las vegas while she to fort sam houston in san antonio for combat medic school. she got to know most of the people and as time passed she was with a couple of the guys and that broke us but at the end of school they told her they just wanted sex and didnt want a relationship, i know that made her feel bad. so i went to fort sam for her combat medic graduation and so did her mom. when we got there she didnt want to hang out with us she wanted to hang out with her friends that didnt care about her. so she broke up with me the first day i was there but we still had a good bit of sex and hung out a good bit when her family wasnt maximizing her time.
she said wed work it out when she got back to l.v. and said to be her boyfriend still. i said ok. after all that living and getting drunk with those other guys and girls she thought hey ive got a lot of living to do now and didnt want to get married or nothing. i was crushed of course. flattened because what did i do? i stopped everything to be with her and didnt go on with being a m.t. just wanted to take care of her in her military life. she came back out to l.v. and we hung out and had some sex (which was great of course) kept going back and forth with saying wed be together or not. i wasnt as pissed about that as i was her telling my two kids that shed be their mommy and wed take em away from this %¤#&!§-that theyre in. well she lied. she leaves next week aug 29th and im just emotionally used up, i dont have my kids, the college i was getting into i couldnt get into till jan. because the military dragged their feet about registering me and i just dont have much will to live. i thought she and i would be together and have a child together( a girl with pretty blue eyes and red hair just like her) but she wanted to go the other way. so shell be at fort hood in killeen texas. i dont like the twists and turns that life has given and just want another chance to get it right so im going to take my own life and not tell her so that it wont hurt her. i dont like myself and dont like living anymore. i wish i had her, i know id be a good husband but shes not sure that anything in life can make her happy but i know she was all happy getting that attention from those boys in the army. i can see her smiling and flirting with em. hopefully if i do it right the next life will be better.

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