|It is day 7 and my routine is becoming normal again. I wake up early, usually around 3am. Today I was able to sleep in and get up at 4:45am. Then I go to starbucks armed with everything I need to get in as many hours of possible of thing things I need to do for work as well as the things I love to do. So here I sit again.|
By the end of the day I begin to tire. I do not allow myself to nap as that makes my sleep cycle much less stable which I do not prefer. I wish to keep my early rising at the cost.
I tried blogging last night and noticed distinctly the feeling of my spiritual alignment being less than when I prefer to write. So, I made a topic on it to think about and break down further.
Spirit always sends the same frequency of signal and amplitude. It is similar to the wifi in my home coming from the router. If this could wane, that would go along with the impressions many have of God that involves change, emotions of anger, amongst other things.
I have no such experiences of this Source. It is me that wanes. There are multitudes of reason my reception decreases. Fatigue alone, such as last night, is plenty of reason for the connection to be dimmed.
Perhaps the real reason I fast is that when I go through too many days in a row without this connection I begin to feel sick. I know what I am missing and it is so strange how I can be reluctant to return immediately, though I know I will in time. If I could have anything it would be to remain at least in range of this all the time. I am certain this can be done though I have not achieved it.
There have been times the signal is so strong and it has shattered my once reality so fast it becomes almost unbearable. It is like seeing two worlds. The information coming in what seems like normal circumstances in even a normal interaction can be overwhelming, yet it always leads to the same thing. It shows me why a brother deserves nothing less than what I am asked to offer, which may only be a smile. Sometimes the pain of what stands in front of me and is released from the earth itself from peoples before me breaks me down to tears in moments I am not prepared for. There is no anger anymore, only the willingness for brothers to not hurt.
There is one world of only forgiveness and light. Time as we know it has ended and released through love and not held packets of information clinging to hate. Most of all, there is peace as how could one not be peaceful if these are the things they were seeing?
There is another world that imprints me with all things external. It would even have me imagine I am what none of us really are or could ever truly be. To have something truly, one must be able to keep it. This other world shows me nothing we can keep.
There is no battle anymore within me about which world I have claimed as real. Now the decision is different. Do I simply bide my time and pass days, or do I continue to shine.
When I am aligned I cannot help but shine. I do not believe this would be different for anyone, as the source from which all are born within would hold the same source. To align with this source would only make sense would equally align us with those who are aligned to it as well.
I have children now who can understand me a little bit. I am blessed to have a few people in life who though may not always understand me, accept and love me. These things are enough for me to walk on. These are enough for me to kick my habits that but dim my alignment and buy me time to pass in a zone which feels like the universe has turned grey.
Colors arise again. None of us fully remember what is possible, but deep down we may remember things. We know there is more, and the willingness rests not in the Source, for it has already loved, which can only be eternal. Our decision becomes how close we are willing to move to the signal, even when it initially can overwhelm us. Our decision to love become how willing we are to see we are a part of love itself.
As we accept we are only love, we inherently become less fearful until we are the fearless. We are the kind and gently, though often most misunderstood. We have no flag or banner for we have seen all things made by the earth dissolve in time, and nothing that can be destroyed could define one of us.
So again we attest to life, for there is only life. Amen may I continue to listen. One day my children my read my words and understand if nothing else their father intended only peace... as crazy and different as I could seem.