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Je Rêve de Toi
by JeSuisButterfly

63 blog entries; 17 entries per page; 1 pages; viewed 280,608 times
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  • Be a Hustler   by  JeSuisButterfly     16 y     2,184       5 Messages Shown       Blog: Je Rêve de Toi
    I haven't been this scared
    In a long time
    and I'm so unprepared
    So here's your Valentine
    Boquet of clumsy words
    a simple melody
    This world's an ugly place,
    but you're so beautiful...

    Before I continue, I post a farewarning to everyone.. this post does contain the use of swear words, and I will be doing some massive self-degredation and a lot of complaining. I'm sorry, I try to please a lot of people, I do have patience and understanding, and I try to make a good point to have manners and be generous, but for today I'd like to vent in my journal. Viewer discretion is advised from here on out, please click out now if you don't wish to read any further. Thank you.

    Why can't I cry? The tears are there, but they won't come, but inside my head, my body, I'm SCREAMING even though I sit so silently in this chair, my breathing lost amongst the tapping of the keyboard.

    There's so much I want to yell and cry about, about it's 'so unfair' and that I'm gonna fail and I have no will.

    Today I called Cingular and found out I have more bills than I can handle. Someone very nice was going to pay for them, but when he found out the price, he wisely stepped down. It's not his fault, I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up that he'd take care of it. I just hate money. I've struggled so long for it, and I still have nothing. In fact, I have -1,500.

    I miss my daddy and my brother. I miss having a home to call my own. A lot of my friends keep telling me to work for it, but I'm trying.. this is so frustrating. They warn me not to go back to my mother, because she can hardly take care of herself. I hate this, I wish suicide was so simple. I dream of taking a knife and just start slashing away at myself, as if the blood will drown out the problems and let the screaming rip through my throat and echo.

    I hate being fat, I hate being ill, I hate how my ex-boyfriend treats my like a show-pony and complete shit, and I hate being so ugly and telling myself that I'm f***ing ugly.

    I hate this eating disorder, I hate being worried constantly that I'm going to be kicked out, I hate being in debt, I hate not being able to talk to the animals or get better overnight, I hate being incoherent and afraid, I hate knowing I have to go back to work eventually because I worked such long, long nights and hard hours.

    I hate the excuses I make because I feel so weak and sick, I hate the sounds of the planes over this house because they remind me of chemtrails, I hate the scary nightmares, I dislike being inside all day even though I want to go out but I feel as if I can't because of my stomach, and I HATE MYSELF.

    ... but what is so odd, is that the times I'm alone and I think about how difficult life is, I smile, because life really is beautiful. Our souls, our ability to connect with our spirit and be with the earth, is beautiful, and I am thankful to be apart of it.

    My boss once told me to be a hustler. You won't get anywhere in this world unless you hustle. Give them what you got, strut your stuff, and appeal.

    I hate doing it, though I do.. because I worry about what people think of me.. I crave acceptance, I'd like to meet a person one time and leave with them having a good thought about me.. I hate when people hate me.. I hate caring so damn much...
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    • I Feel Your Pain   by  today4th     16 y     1,006
      Dear, Sweet Butterly,

      Reading this made me remember things I didn't really want to remember; like my own harsh 'teenage-hood' that I didn't honestly think I would make it through. But I did! And YOU WILL TOO!! Pain lets us know we're alive . . . that something needs addressing- that we must DEAL with the true issues so the pain will subside and we can move onward. You will make it and you'll look back to "now" with a smile, asking yourself, "What on earth was all the fuss about?"

      Once again, I totally LOVED reading your entry. Even if you're having a rough time- and perhaps just an off day- or a bad day, I still love reading your thoughts and feelings because I can SOOOOO feel you- can really relate. Eating disorders suck! I had one from the time I was 11 until after I had my first child . . . I LIVED and SO WILL YOU and you will OVERCOME IT - OUTGROW IT. Just never give up. Never quit on yourself- always remember that there's nothing you can go through that you CAN'T OVERCOME, since you CAN.

      Anxiously awaiting your next "purge,"

      Your friend,
      Reply   FCK   TinyMCE  
      This is NOT me. This is just randomly assigned avatar, until I upload my own photo. Click here to see my profile.
    • Some observations and advice...   by  kerminator     16 y     728

      You are young, and appear to be able to write very well... That is a talent not many have....  You need to clue in on your strengths, and remember that it 90% your attitude that counts in this life.... {refer to Brain Boot Camp blog for some examples of getting your brain in order...} 

      I have been around quite a while, here are some key words on life:  you can change many of those things in your life that you really, really want to; and learn to live with the rest....  The advice is free the results require effort... Have faith; remember faith is the action of your beliefs..  Aim high, and look for the right people GOD has placed in your pathway....   Some times GOD has you meet the wrong people in your life, so that when you meet the right people, you will appreciate them...   Stop look and listen to the still small voice that will help direct you, my dear....

       It is good to see your blog, just try to not get it off track with what we call improper language down south, it does not become you....  By the way I lived in Arkansas years ago, and it is a beautiful place, so do not let your mother or anyone else make you bitter...  Did not mean to write so much, sorry...   See ya on the blogs...  

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    • I love this writing!   by  Yourenchantedgardener     16 y     716

      Thanks for being real!
      I find that out of this kind of stuff
      comes the Soul flying.

      So be who you are.
      You are great
      even when it feels shitty.

      love from Your Enchanted Gardener,

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    • Hugs   by  Liora Leah     16 y     686
      Hugs to you, JeSuis


      Love, Liora Leah
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      Liora Leah
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