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Je Rêve de Toi
by JeSuisButterfly

63 blog entries; 17 entries per page; 1 pages; viewed 280,514 times
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  • Cat's Eyes Are Windows   by  JeSuisButterfly     15 y     2,251       16 Messages Shown       Blog: Je Rêve de Toi
    Okay, here goes my post -

    I feel like such a failure. Because of my illness, the pain and my intense fear of people makes it a challenge for me to interact with people - including Nono and his children. My work here consists of helping in the care and growth of his children, as well as the support of Nono.

    But I'm awful at this. What a vicious cycle.
    Nono says children are coming over ---> My fear rises, which either creates or adds to intestinal discomfort ---> My anger at my inability to properly care for children and Nono and my inability to cure myself causes me to grow angry at myself and hurt myself physically and/or emotionally ---> Nono gets upset at me and uses biting remarks or actions ---> My disappointment in myself rises, causing me to lash out at Nono and myself even more.

    Today, I decided myself incompetent and tired of battling my illness. I was so upset that I would allow my anger to spill out and effect Nono [who doesn't deserve it] that I snatched two knives from the kitchen and locked myself in my room.

    With a cry to heaven pleading for intervention and help, the blade flashed as I placed it against my wrist, remembering the best method to cut to encourage massive damage and blood flow.

    A gentle paw was placed upon my face. Kitty, who had also been locked in the room with me, peered at me with her large drowning eyes. Her gaze locked with mine - I recalled how it was written that cats allow Spirits to watch through their eyes. Normally, I see her as distant, flirting with humans around her through play, but rarely with touch.

    She continued to make contact with my eyes, brushing herself lightly against me.

    Needless to say, I lost my conviction for suicide.

    I thank her for that, but I'm still so angry with myself. So is Nono... it sucks and it hurts. He suggested, 'I think Ross should drive over and pick you up.' I was so afraid he wanted me to leave.

    I still am.

    I just wish I could help myself.

    ~Papillon
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    • healing is possible   by  finallyfaith     15 y     815
      butterfly,

      i am so sorry to here things aren't going well for you. i don't know your whole situation, but i can say i empathize with much of what you have written. here are a couple thoughts about your situation.

      first off it seems to me you are blaming and shaming yourself first for being sick, and secondly for not be able to get well. please stop. you are not well right now. so be it. it doesn't mean you are a bad person, it means you have something to work out like the rest of the humans here on earth. stop blaming yourself for being ill or injured, accept where you are at right now. give yourself permision to be right where you are at right now. and don't buy into other people's ideas or notions of where you should be at, you are at where you are at, so be it. you can't move forward without first accepting where you are at now. i have learned this lesson over and over and am still learning it today. but it really changes things when you do.

      also about the children. maybe the reason you are stressed about getting along with the children is that you are at odds with the child inside of you. maybe the child inside of you is still hurt and wounded and you have not dealt with those issues?

      i feel like you need to heal inside first, and then outer healing will manifest. God can heal your heart if you let it happen. please reach out to the Creator in whatever way you feel comfortable. The Creator loves us all and wants us to be happy and healed, and right now you are not. i recommend that you pray for help in a real way with some real faith. i know you can get better and i know that God can help you and send people to you who can aid you in healing. please begin to look for ways that can heal your heart, expect things to get better, start believing that love can happen in your life and it will.

      blessings to you

      ff
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      • Re: healing is possible   by  JeSuisButterfly     15 y     833
        You know what? I do have issues from my childhood.. a LOT of them. Abandonment. Abuse. I get so jealous, because I see how he loves them so much, and the child trapped inside of this older teenager is screaming for attention too.

        All of what you've said makes so much sense.. but what do I do? I'm constantly battling with myself, trying to nurture that child but.. want to know something awful? I discovered that I hit myself and hurt myself with words because I EXPECT punishment. I get upset that Nono doesn't correct me in such a way, that I do it myself!

        I think I learned that from my childhood..

        Is there anything I can do, please?

        XOXO,
        Papillon
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        • Re: healing is possible   by  kerminator     15 y     843

          Dear sister; I will post very soon on this aspect of who are you ( or who I AM)?? This will be a first person search and development discussion...  This is the important question to answer....   Watch for it soon...   Mean while stop, and try to get your mind off the destructive  and abusive patterns of thought... 

          Think of yourself as a wonderful person who is loved....  We love you, and most important GOD loves you... You are special, beyond your wildest belief...  So think on love, and do not associate with those who would keep you in bondage... you are far above anything; that these boy friends or others who just want to control and use you...  Steer clear of these people...  Love is the key; Dear Lady....  We are here for you...     See Ya.. K

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        • Re: healing is possible   by  #58095     15 y     985
          A common theme in families of addictions, trauma or divorce is, “Nothing is ever enough.” In these situations there is little or no family acceptance or recognition of individual achievement. Ofte ...
          Sorry, we had to truncate this message! ... Click here to read it
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          • 58095.. Merci beaucoup.   by  JeSuisButterfly     15 y     872
            What secrets I had hidden in the shadows, you have shown the light on them.

            Your words instill such hope - thank you. I never wish to accept that it was 'my past' that caused the current challenges. I find myself burying my thoughts and locking my memories away into tight, dark cages in attempts to 'get over' them. To get over all of the anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, and disrespect I feel. Perhaps it is those memories which trigger my sadness, my emotional eating, and my physical illness. I seem to be experiencing flashes of past experiences at random moments that I had completely forgotten about - or purposely suppressed because they were so painful.

            With those memories consistently replaying in my subconscious, it's no wonder I feel like an emotional whirlwind.

            Thank you for pointing these out for me, and for your encouraging message -

            Please know, you are loved and appreciated.
            XOXO,
            ~Papillon
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    • My dear you are listening to the deceiver.. Stop and listen to your hear...   by  kerminator     15 y     848

      I know that things seem bad, well everyone has the same happenings...  So do not let these control your life...  You must make a decision to seek support...   We are here for you!!  We will enter int a prayer for you now...   

      May you come to realize your worth-in the face of Almighty GOD....  You are a child of GOD, and as such should live your life that shows that responsiblity...   These are big words, yet not really big enough to explain the whole idea...  GOD loves you, and wants you to become the wonderful person that you were meant to be....

      So sit quietly now and meditate on the desires of your heart and seek the guidance of GOD in your life, dear sister!!  We know and understand how difficult it may seem, but you can over come your fears and become the person that GOD wants you to be...     May GOD bless you dear, Lady...    See Ya.. Kermit 

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    • The Butterfly   by  Dazzle     15 y     880

      Lovely Girl,

      Do you know a butterfly goes through a painful metamorphosis in order to emerge to the world as a breathtaking beautiful creature of perfect design?  A butterfly begins as a lowly catapillar, creeping and inching along the earth, dodging bird beeks and thoughtless feet, hoping to survive long enough to find its special place to begin spinning its gossamer silk that will eventually surround it with protection against the elements while it slowly begins to change into an etheral creature so different from its beginnings.  And so the catapillar waits in its cocoon through the seasons, as it slowly begins its magical metamorphosis.  There is no fear or anxiety because it knows exactly what it needs to do,  it knows exactly what it will become.  So it waits with clarity and anticipation for the final stages before it breaks its bounds and lifts its wings to fly on the wind.

      A Butterfly.  A creature so lovely, it's likened as the companion of angels. 

      Perhaps you can begin slowly to heal your inner worlds.  There is a lovely article, fascinating and exciting, concerning blessing our water with self love before we drink it.  The premise is we change the composition of the water to match the composition of love.  So in essence we are drinking our love.  Perhaps you can try this and see if you can't  feel the love you have for yourself through the water you bless. 

      http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=596&i=4

      One thing I have learned in life is that with all pain and tragedies there lies a gift for us to keep with us forevermore.  A gift we can utilize to better our lives and inner worlds.  We just have to keep our minds open when we look for these gifts. But often times we are hurting so badly, we miss the gift.  Remember, with every ending there is a new beginning.  Whenever a door closes another opens.  There is no such thing as a permanent ending because life is a cycle, like ripples in a pond, that go on and on...

      Your spirit and inner worlds are being tempered, much like iron is to become steel.  Like the catapillar, you are undergoing a painful metamorphosis to become that beautiful, etheral creature: The Butterfly.

      Know you are loved,

      ~ Dazzle

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