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by deocder

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  • Starting   by  deocder     18 y     2,439       3 Messages Shown       Blog: Changes
    I just need to start writing. Because I have been so into curezone lately, and was suggested to make note of whats going on in my life, so why not here...

    I noticed something today while I was making my lemonade. One of my roomates came down stairs and I felt the need to be secretive about my lemonade. He already knew a little bit about it, but when he asked me if I was still on the lemonade, my answer was kind of snotty. I had some difficulty during hte conversation. I really wanted him to go away. I did not want to answer any questions. But he seemed interested and not very judgemental. Yet every time I explaind something about the cleanse and he aknowledged what I said, I would project thoughts that I felt he was having. I felt like he was thinking that I was crazy for doing such a cleanse. That I am out of my mind or something. Like he didn't approve. I think this way a lot. Yet he said nothing to make me think that. In fact, it would not have mattered who it was unless I had had a chance to explain the cleanse previously.

    Why do I always fell like I have to protect myself? It's true that I dont want people to think certain things about me. Why? I don't want people to think I am weird, or just plain different. Why do I care so much. With some things, I just dont give a damn. But with others, the walls go up and if you try to get inside, I get all defensive.

    What else can I write? I went to the gym today and got on the treadmill. I did not let the attractive girl next to me see me looking at her. I did not want to get caught. Why? Is it because something is expected after making eye contact that I cant handle? Like saying hi? Why is that so damn hard for me? What am I so afraid of? Is it rejection? It's definitely a fear that I have. If I make any attempt to get to know someone, what if they dont like me? What if they don't accept me? What are they thinking about me? Can I not handle that? The fear in me says no! This is obviously deep seeded.

    And why am I fasting? Is it all the toxins that I believe are in my body? Or is is just to escape the feelings associated with eating. My addictive eating habits are atrocious in my mind. It's all or nothing! I eat to feel better. I don't want to feel the feelings that I have. If I eat like I do, the feelings are temporarily releived. And the vicious cycle of eating healthy to binging on ice cream and pizza, back to eating only vegetables, binging again and now fasting! Classic signs of addiction. Yet I am not suprised. It has manifested in many ways. It used to be that I am sober, its food and masterbation..nice!
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