Well, I have been deliberating for a long time but I am finally ready to unburden myself. I suspect that I am not alone in harboring a secret that is soul-destroying and has totally been robbing me of my life force. I have tried to improve my health like many others here at Curezone but all the cleansing, diet modifications and various other strategies will not be my saving grace - I finally am willing to admit that to myself.
I really don't know where this will all lead but I know I must proceed, no matter what. So, with a warrior attitude, here goes...It is my intention that my story will inspire others to begin releasing the secrets and shame that they might be carrying also, like a ball and chain.
I have finally made a decision to tell my three children why it is that I have not engaged with my extended family. They are pretty well grown up now and yet they have never met most of my family (no aunts, uncles, cousins etc.) Only my mother has been in and out of the picture over the last 21 years or so. Sometimes they asked me but I evaded their questions - they knew something was up. They knew I had a horribly traumatic childhood with an alcoholic father who couldn't be bothered with his daughters and a mentally unstable mother who tried on numerous occasions to commit suicide and was incredibly abusive emotionally. I have told the kids certain stories about my past but not the one that really keeps me locked in shame and keeps me totally alienated from my family. This situation can never really be resolved yet I can't stop trying to make peace with it.
My oldest daughter will be returning home in September and when all three kids are together here with me, that is when I will break my silence and explain the legacy of shame I have had to bear. Unfortunately, they share in this legacy, whether they want to or not.
I was the second of four children. My older brother was four years older than I. My mother began having an affair with her brother-in-law (my father's sister's husband). This affair lasted about 30 years, on and off. Growing up, he was my favorite uncle. I thought the world of him - he was so affectionate and gave me the attention I so badly craved. How I loved him!
When I was 19, one fateful Mother's Day, my mother was once again crying hysterically and threatening to kill herself. She always looked to me to soothe her emotions and give her reasons to go on living (as if having four children to look after wasn't reason enough). Then she said she had something she wanted to tell me but was afraid to but I convinced her to spill the beans and my life changed instantly from that point forward. My mother revealed to me that my younger brother and sister and I were the product of her illicit love affair with my uncle. I was in shock at first, then numb. I remember how angry I felt that my whole life had been one big deception, a huge lie. This revelation happened when I was 19 - I am now 51. I don't remember a whole lot of my life at home with my parents - I have blocked most of the memories. I do remember her taking me to the apartment she secretly shared with my uncle and shortly after that, I wound up in the hospital unable to walk or otherwise move due to an aggravated old back injury. I think the stress put me over the edge. Over the next number of years, I experienced the full gamut of emotions. My confusion reigned supreme. Now my uncle was suddenly my father and my first cousins were my half-brother and half-sisters and my grandmother was no longer my grandmother and my uncle's aging parents were now my real grandparents and my older brother was really my half-brother. Wah! Scotty - beam me outta here!!
For many years I believed my mother unquestioningly. Looking back, how absurd to do this given her history of being a pathological liar. I stopped the little contact I had with my extended family, partly because I wasn't sure who was aware of this business and who wasn't. After my mother revealed her secret to me, it was like a dam broke and then she went around telling many people about it. People love to gossip so for all I know, the whole community I grew up in may have been aware of it. Regardless, the shame ran deep. Many years later my mother maintained I was not my uncle's biological child - in truth, she may not know herself. When you are intimate with two men at the same time, how can you know for sure. I once asked her this and she had said that she 'took chances' with my uncle, but not with my father, around the time of my conception. There is little doubt that my younger brother and sister are products of that illicit affair because they both look like my uncle. I, on the other hand, resemble my mother. Both my father and uncle are deceased, so my personal mystery will never be solved.
I was born into this world carrying a tremendous amount of shame. I believe this was handed down to me genetically from my mother. I learned recently that her very dysfunctional and traumatic childhood also included sexual abuse which nobody ever knew about. I guess that could explain so much of her erratic behavior while we were growing up. Be that as it may, how exactly can I unload a ton of shame that doesn't even stem from me? On a metaphysical level, I chose my birth family and I am well aware of it. Maybe I should look into past life regression therapy to help resolve this.
It is just recently that I realize to what degree shame and holding onto this secret has dictated my level of health, happiness, willingness to engage in my own life and my ability to lead a productive, fulfilling life. I have no clue how to proceed from my awareness to where I want to get to - being able to feel good in my own skin and to let my light shine through. I know one thing, though, and that is that I have had enough and I am determined to release these shackles.
I have never written a blog before. I hope they are interactive. I would welcome any reader comments and also invite others to let go of their shame and any secrets they may be carrying around. The time has come.
I can't pretend I have gone through this myself, but thank you for sharing that and being so open. I have had a good childhood, completely "normal" in most senses of the word. But I know there are MANY out there who have hidden family secrets or carry a weight of shame around with them. Many skeletons in the closets, with abuse, alcoholism, incest, you name it!
I think that part of healing is facing this, but when there are unanswered questions, I cannot imagine how that must feel to you. THe feeling of betrayal or somehow living in a "lie". You must feel so much anger, resentment, confusion, and the rest.
For me as a Christian, I believe that every human being has a place in this world, regardless of how wretched their life maybe or who or where they come from. To a Christian? Every human being is related to eachother, but this does not always make it automatically "ok" to someone that has gone through what you have and having it occur in your own family and being brought up believing one thing and then finding out another much later on. Wow! If you do have any belief in God, I do hope you will open yourself up to prayer. I think forgiveness is a hard ask and at times almost impossible, but to think of how many of those other people have no doubt been through abuse themselves emotionally mentally unstable, screwed up and then of course leading lives of the same and screwing up others in the process. It seems there would be an awful lot of healing needed in many members of your family.
Anyway, I just want to say I really admire you for this and you'll be surprised at how many you will touch by this and how many others out there share a similar dark secret.
God bless you and hope you will find healing! Not an easy road. Some people are really put through extraordinary pain and suffering in this life, whether it's health, or betrayal, abuse, being used, addictions, and so forth or even a combination.
Yes, I have a strong belief in God and have sought much solace and understanding through spiritual/metaphysical teachings. Forgiveness issues are still a work in progress. In actuality, I am a pretty compassionate, forgiving person by nature but my mother continues to be emotionally and mentally abusive to me so I had to make a choice - continue to suffer at the hands of her very dysfunctional behavior vs. establishing and maintaining healthy borders and boundaries. After a lifetime of always forgoing my own needs and wants to accommodate her and others, I finally voted for myself and my wellbeing. Will wonders never cease? We are currently estranged.
From your mouth to God's ears about my story touching others and perhaps having a positive effect. This is the intention for sharing my story. I have always been the listener, the one people gravitate towards to unload their burdens. So this blog is a stretch for me. But I finally realize that I also need to be heard and even if I can only muster the courage to express my voice anonymously, at least it's a start and a step in the right direction. I am excited to share my journey with whoever wishes to be a part of it.
That must have been very cathartic for you. Myself, I had all sorts of very traumatic things happen in my childhood, too and did not confront my mother until i was in my mid-30s. I don't want to go into details out of respect for my mom. She did the best she could and I simply had to forgive and move on. One question, have you thought about a DNA test to verify things? I was not totally shocked when I read your story, because so many people go through some really tough things and we hear far more about it now than we used to, so remember you are certainly not alone. I said wow because it took a lot of guts to write your blog. I wish you the very best in working through all this so that you can laugh and smile and be as carefree as possible. I am not sure if you will be able to incorporate all of your family into your healing and develop great relationships, because I am not an expert. I have healed some relationships in my life and just let some others go, just keeping a stiff upper lip when I have to interact. Good luck, it appears you have taken the first step in helping yourself to heal. I know of 5 websites that may be of help to you. I have no affiliation and they are not MLMs and I have tried 4 of them with success.
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Gotta ask you this question. Are you a motorcycle Momma? I can't tell you how often I fantasize about driving a motorcycle, and have done so for years. I've always loved the wind in my face and hair.
That aside, thank you so much for all those links. I will check them out.
No, I have not considered DNA testing. I would need permission from my uncle's family and I know they would refuse anyway. Besides, I am not sure if all three cousins know about their father's affair with my mother. I have consulted with psychics and channelers however but they do not all concur so that didn't clarify anything for me.
I suspect that I am not my uncle's child because my oldest daughter (in certain specific instances) really resembles my first cousin who is not blood-related to my uncle but is blood-related to the man who raised me, the man I now believe really is my father. This is so convoluted I can hardly follow this, let alone anyone reading this blog.
What makes this situation difficult is that there can never really be closure. There will always be a question mark. It's awful to feel there is no foundation - no sense of belonging. People take it for granted, like it's a given.
Thank you for your encouragement. I know that I am not alone (unfortunately) and that I walk among many other 'walking wounded'. But it's a club I no longer wish to belong to. I am bound and determined to let all this trauma go so I can really start to embrace and enjoy living my life. Otherwise, what's the point? I really don't want to define myself according to what happened to me or where I came from. I deserve better than this.
Thank you, Torrie, for those pics. Just last week I mentioned to my hubby that we should consider getting a motorcycle, considering the price of gas these days. I think I would really love it. Maybe one day...
Was reading some of the stuff on your website. Wow - you have certainly had your fair share of challenges. What a wonderful service you are doing to help others heal from their dental nightmares. I can sure relate to dental nightmares but I will talk about that in another upcoming blog entry.
Isn't it weird how we can go for years totally blind about what or who our true enemy really is? The beast that had been poisoning me all my life and ruining my brain function was none other than MSG. Even buying everything from the health food store and reading all labels didn't protect me.
It's mind-boggling to think how the government unabashedly poisons us via vaccinations, amalgams, fluoridated/chlorinated water, and potent neurotoxins like MSG, Aspartame and Sucralose which you'd be hard-pressed to avoid even if you tried. All this while at the same time threatening to ban innocuous herbs, amino acids etc. Unreal!
Hope you can ride your Harley again soon. From the pics, it certainly looks inviting enough. Vroooom Vrooooom!
thanks! yeah, the government is supposed to protect us and they don't do a good job when it comes to pollution and food. in fact, there is a company who makes a fertilizer with 25% MSG in it and marketed it to organic growers. nice, huh?