fame and kaka 13 y
God is better than glitter though glitter is from God amyway
I always wanted to be famous since I was little. Iím baffled to note that in surrendering fully to Godís will, I have passed up three rather impressive opportunities that would have had me doing cartwheels and backflips had they happened a few years ago, and I am not a gymnast by any means. I have that vague fear that I am kidding myself, that I am insane to act this way, but my sole mission at this point is to trust in God and clean house. so thatís that, and Iím not even bragging to people about any of it. I think Iím really getting free of delusional ideas of how to get people to lik ... read more
don't read this one 13 y
don't read this. no content.
why are you here? didnít you see the warning? I wrote this by accident. bye. visit the page
No New Years' resolutions This year 13 y
right now is new but everything else is crap
New Years resolutions are just vaguely masked fears. I spent last night writing, listening to the hoots and hollers outside. And I feel alright about it, I guess. This past year has beven by far the most intensely joyous yet painful ever with no expectation but that I will continue to surrender my old traumatized beliefs that had me imprisoned in a broken record car wreck in my brain. this year I anticipate only more of the same brand newness, Godís continuous surprise party visit the page
Bye bye Beliefs 14 y
everything is different, but why wouldn't it be?
So the TM was more powerful than Iíd originally realized. A much deeper rest than Iíve ever had. Iíve been able to release layers of delusional attachment in my brain with far more precision and clarity. Iíve stopped with Johrei altogether. Everything looks a little darker without it but I donít want a life in which I am fearfully clinging to rituals. I got sick of bowing to the picture of a dead japanese guy I donít know and being told to pray and pressured to go to services Iím not interested in. I used to chant a lot too, and Iím not doing that so much either. I realized Iíve held o ... read more
what on heaven's earth is going on? 14 y
more dust in the wind?
I havenít been to the Johrei center in a few days. I went to one of their ancestor services, and I found the ísermoní of the man who led it to be rather simplistic, everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten spirituality. Iím a bit rebellious, and I think Iíve heard it all, so if weíre in a spiritually oriented center, and I am to accept my role as humble student, when you speak, I had better be shaking in my shoes with awe at the power in the what and how of your teachings. Otherwise, I get the feeling like Iíve gone to a doctor for advice on my health, but heís fat, panting, ... read more
hitting a plateau 14 y
I seem to have hit a plateau. I am more balanced than Iíve been for better or worse, but Iím not feeling that Ēoh my God my life is being revolutionizedĒ feeling. not today anyway. My material life doesnít entirely seem to have caught on to the spiritual elevation, which is fine cuz tonight I have a roof over my head and am not hungry, and I do what I want.
I run back and forth between so many religious and spiritual groups cuz I have yet to find one that I seem to totally fit into and am not sure one exists. But Iíve grasped on a deeper level that dualism is a construct and not real ... read more
I'm on a Roll tonight! 14 y
not really trying to edit this one
Iím just gonna write out whateverís in my brain right now, cuz I feel blurry, but I know that thereís something in here somewhere that needs to get out. I spent a long evening with a friend of mine whoís sick with a pretty serious, often terminal illness. This woman can TALK and after a while of listening, I start feeling jagged, though sheís entirely delightful. My brain feels like itís being ravaged when I spend time with people, but when Iím alone, I get so lonely.. I just need to write and not judge it and not label it. I regularly do a structured sort of writing, taking my invent ... read more
when everyTHING is not enough 14 y
too tired to come up with something cute
Life is gorgeous and consistently, drastically improving. Iím in a new career and suddenly, a reporter wants to write about me. Nonetheless, I am suddenly drastically unhappy, trying to uproot all the delusional attachments to anything being otherwise so that I can return to some sort of emotional equilibrium though it strikes me at the moment not to matter. Life unfolds moment by moment and the suffering can help burn away delusion when you give it to God, making you all the more present. Iíve said all that, and I still want to spend the night in bed or at least not feel the way I do ... read more
noBODY knows a damned THING 14 y
and why should they?
It baffles me the intricate delusional details my brain can manufacture about any situation and how as soon as Iíve recognized a delusion ífor what it wasí Iím often deluded there too.
When I channel Johrei, I am entirely focused on surrendering any and every thought to God as it rises up, that I may keep as clear a channel as possible. So for the 25 minutes or so, I am still just feeling light and power and stillness streaming through me. reaching enlightenment is probably similar yet permanent and all discomfort entirely surrendered.
But at the end of the day, alone with myself, I ... read more
Magic Carpet Ride! 14 y
I sometimes get insane with magical thinking, thinking some odd event/synchronicity is a ísigní regarding what needs to happen in my life. Like I have to make a b.m. at a seemingly inopportune time and start thinking ĒThis thing I was gonna do till I had to do a number two wasnít meant to be. this must mean God is telling me to pursue a new career cuz Iím following my ego with this one.Ē Or some equivalent nonsense. Just another habit to surrender while being whittled down to whatever I actually am. People I know have been walking up to me and saying rather mean, unsolicited things, i ... read more
working for the man 14 y
I worked in retail for a few months and then got another temporary, more rewarding employment oportunity. The money ran out, and I got re-hired at the former space. I didnít like it before; Now, it feels like utter HELL. I may not be able to make it too much longer at this place. People stream in throwing everything around, talking about how ĒcuteĒ it all is, trying on clothes, dancing around in them. I used to think it was mildly nice to see peoplesí uplift and pleasantries, but now it just looks like pure delusion half the time--a quick fix and Iím intolerant of consumersí mannerisms ... read more
Sex, Love, and do I really want to bother 14 y
when the time is right to saddle up on that old pony
I donít know about this whole dating thing. I havenít met anyone who seems right. I used to go for the deeply wounded genius sociopath type, and now I can see that for what it is and avoid it like the plague. Now an intelligent somewhat attractive man is trying to get me on a date, but the whole thing seems absurd. The notion of casual sex bores and vaguely horrifies me. The only reason I can think of to date and Do the Deed is to feel like I fit in with the rest of this deluded society. I donít care about getting married at the moment, and a relationship just for the sake of a rela ... read more
to tell The Truth 14 y
I'm afraid to tell all unfortunately
Iíd like to write details of whatís happening in my life and all the profound ways everything is unfolding at a very rapid pace, yet Iím afraid that Iíll ruin my anonymity if I get too specific. Which is rather unfortunate as I donít really have anyone I feel like I can be really and completely honest with about Everything. I had the idea that this could be the place to do it, but the world is small and I have a funny feeling that if I get into the nitty gritty, someone will figure it out. However, it bores me a bit to write here in such a vague way. At least I got that little rant out ... read more
at the speed of light 14 y
elevating quicker than I thought possible
everything is improving REALLY fast. Iíve gone back a bit to the eating disorder. I feel ready on the one hand for life to get way better, and on the other hand, I am not used to abundance and accepting that God wants to give me an amazing life. It feels so stupid to eat compulsively. I think Iím afraid to feel beautiful and to feel like I have no vices and thus no excuse to not be the happiest person ever, which is absurd and yet what fear isnít? Iíve had an entirely traumatic existence. I donít like that I canít just shed all my defense mechanisms and bad habits at once. on a certa ... read more
not in kansas anymore 14 y
life in 4 dimensions
Iíve got that feeling that Iíve been whisked out of my black and white world in a technicolor cloud of smoke. Iím exhausted, though good things seem to be happening. People with their repetitive, negative tapes that they seem happy to hit the play button on when I start talking about my plans seem further and further away while they talk, like I donít feel the need to internalize or get concerned with what anybody thinks about me. I walked through a new career move that would have had me nearly fainting with fear a few months ago with relative ease. I just meditated a little extra. I ... read more
Another lovely day 14 y
it's getting better
Iím beginning to get used to and humbly accepting of the pain that rushes through me when I walk continuously through the new levels of fear that inevitably arise as I keep accepting greater challenges. I trust God, even when in the moment, I feel violently off--I feel like Iím starting to see in a deeper way that Iím not here by accident or to be cowering or small. There is constant pain and fear, but the rewards are growing immensely as well. Life feels long, and I seem to just be beginning it. had my first course at the johrei center. 5 more and Iíll learn to give it. they ask for ... read more
what a day, to say the least 14 y
another relationship's seedy undercurrent surfaces
A friend of mine got angry with me and screamed a bunch of obscenities via telephone. He has listened to me rant on numerous past occasions when I was having a really rough time. He called me up angry that I didnít back him up the other day on a subject matter I didnít entirely agree with him on. told me ĒIíve listened to you and all your complaining, and then when I need a friend, you donít back me up.Ē He was also upset that I ran into him and didnít have time to talk--he took it as personal affront, when actually at that moment I was rushing to get johrei before the center closed..
... read more
suddenly, everything seems better 14 y
tired, it's less boring then it sounds
I was down to a few pennies, jobless, then I got work and a random gift. Suddenly started pursuing an artistic path Iíd been fearfully putting off. Seems to be going well, if Iím a bit obsessed.
next week, Iím scheduled to attend a meeting to see about learning to give johrei in addition to receiving it. I donít know what is going on, really.
Iíd like to start working out more. Iíve let it go to one or two times/week to the gym and a lot of walking. I prefer to work out daily. Weíll see what happens. visit the page
and why not curb the eating disorder while we're at it? 14 y
burning up old useless ideas
It wouldnít hurt to mention, this is the 2nd day Iíve staved off the urge to eat compulsively. I tend to do this when my life gets stressful, i.e. being between jobs. I recognized that itís just an effort to control my source of unhappiness, that it doesnít work and that Iíd rather just feel the pain now then put it off and feel numb and full of self-loathing. Itís with Godís help, I swear. I asked God for help removing my compulsion to eat when disturbed. I deeply decided I was willing to feel the pain of whatever Iím trying to suppress. then last night, this old man acquaintance insi ... read more
Fever strikes/more unsettling details brought to surface! 14 y
when a woman becomes a screaming insect
Iíve been feverish and out of it all day. Got to the center just in time for a brief healing before they closed. My lungs are burning. I still need a job. My brain feels warped though I seem to be publicly pulling it off anyhow. I hope to put the job hunt in high gear and that I wake up feeling healthier. I feel like a raging bronchial thing is on its way. Re: plans, I want God to just work through me anyhow, even if it burns and feels like being shredded while I walk through deeply imbedded clumps of fear. I am willing to work hard but have no clue what Iím doing. I intend to wai ... read more
The barbarian under the mattress 14 y
I'm too tired for this
i donít believe I mentioned earlier: After a few days of receiving Johrei, when I first started last month, I felt so discombobulated by the increased intensity of and new disparity between my inner and appeared outer worlds, I thought I might die. I spoke to the man who is the head of the center, Iím not sure exactly his role, but he seems to have been around longest. I told him what I was going through--he told me it wasnít uncommon and that Iíd be ok. He told me that deeply buried stuff starts rising to the surface--i.e. physical sickness/unhealthy beliefs, dischordant relationships ... read more
back in business 14 y
Almost a month, and I am still alive.
Day before yesterday, I woke up, suddenly urged to clean the apartment, a rare occurance. Took a good looong walk. A gorgeous day in nyc. Five or six miles, maybe... I got johrei, was tired enough walking home that I just felt refreshingly peaceful and normal and pleasant and human.
Then yesterday, I had an emotional upheaval of cataclysmic proportions. Didnít make it to the center, barely made it out of bed to a meeting, feeling numb, toxic, horrible. I offered to sweep the room, feeling entirely incompetent, though the action helped. Went home, wanted to eat myself to death, stopp ... read more
I don't know how they do it. 14 y
But I was too big a mess to get there today for johrei. HIGHLY disturbed. Hard to be in my own skin, to say the least. I have a bit over a year of sobriety after years of addiction, so Iíve already been feeling a lot of odd new physiological stuff. The knife felt sharper today. I broke down bawling in a park, though again, everything physically looks a million times crisper and cleaner. Iím gonna get my period soon, so thatís probably part of why I feel psychotic. Just realized this now. I donít know what other people experience when they get Johrei. They are all very pleasant at th ... read more
Went back today 14 y
Another day, a vaguely tepid one.
After a 3day break, I received johrei from a beautiful woman with flowers in her hair.
I am flat broke. Rent is covered, but I have 10 dollars in my pocket and had 3 dollars in my bank account. I wanted to purchase a coffee after the session. I wanted a large one but opted to order a small so as not to overdraw my account. The woman in the coffee shop gave me a large one anyway with no provocation on my part. She smiled and winked at me.
Everything (again) looks bright, twinkling, and beautiful, yet I feel really down, heavy headed, like I just want to sleep.
I need a job. B ... read more
healing crises and psychedelic implosion 14 y
a brief semi-adequate description of the most intense 2 weeks I've encountered yet
too much to say and not enough time.
I want to do this journal because Iíve experienced some of the oddest disparities since receiving johrei between my thoughts/feelings and the outside worldís reaction to them. i.e. I spoke to my mother on the phone feeling quite devastated (healing crisis?) over the current state of my life, yet she sounded really happy when we got off the phone, like weíd had a pleasant conversation. I donít think my upset reflected in my tone or caliber of voice, and I didnít want to bring her down by telling her I felt like I was going schizo.
Iím a performe ... read more
the beginning. 14 y
johrei day one, a divine surreal blast seemingly out of knowhere
A little over 2 weeks ago, an acquaintence, an older gentleman approached me. He tells me heís just gotten his certificate in Johrei and offers me a healing. I ask what it entails and he tells me itís hands off, he sits across from me in a chair and channels divine light that will remove my misery and heal me. Somehow, I intuitively went with it, though entirely skeptical. Iíve been pretty miserable, regularly intolerably disturbed. I pray and stay close to God, but the dark nights of the soul seem far too regular.
He sat across from me, I closed me eyes and felt something undeniabl ... read more