My desperate desire to fit in and "be cool" and my first real boyfriend, Merrik
Date: 10/3/2007 9:10:11 PM ( 13 y ) ... viewed 1268 times
I should add an addendum to the previous note, Danny was my savior because I was his favorite, my Mom loved my brother and babied him. I always felt like she loved him but didn't love me and Danny was always there for me, always on my side. he stood up for me against my mother.
So, Persephone's house.... she was older than us, old enough to buy alcohol and she just lived down the block. All the "cool" kids hung out there, the skater's and punks - she wore all black and ripped up fishnets, I thought she was certainly the most awesome person I had ever met. She pretended to "take me under her wing", she introduced me to acid, talked me into smoking pot for the first time (because even though I grew up around it, I was always anti-drug... the lifestyle scared me and I was afraid of addiction), and talked to me all the time about sex (with guys, I should clarify). There was always a party at Persi's. I remember my first real sexual experience with a guy that was more than making out but not actual sex. I had a crush on this skater-guy that hung out over there and we were drinking, batting insults back and forth, he said %¤#&!§- and I said whip it out. Talking big, I didn't mean it, but there it was. He took me up on it. I was scared and talked to Persi and she said to do it, it's not so bad. I let him take me in the bathroom, he was rough and I choked, said I couldn't do it. He shoved me down on the floor and I hit my head on the toilet and he forced me to do it. I pushed him away and got up to leave, he called me a B**tch and a whore. I ran home crying, I was so embarrassed. I found out later that Persi had told everyone, they laughed about it. Unfortunately I didn't find out until much later that I was really just a pawn for her to use to create little dramas, like soap operas for her own amusement.
My "first" was actually her boyfriend at the time, though I thought they were broken up. His name was Gram, we had sex in their bed. I always felt so guilty but found out later she had put him up to it, asked him to do it so that I would feel like dirt when he went back to her. I started dating Merrik, he was a skater but not really part of Persi's crowd. I was naive and starving for the attention I guess, he said he loved me and called me his fairy. What I didn't know was that he had a very serious drinking problem and was on Prozac for depression. What we all know now is that Prozac mixed with alcohol mixed with being a teenager causes violent tendencies - he never laid a hand on me or even raised his voice to me, but he lived with his grandmother and would make her buy him liquor. One night she didn't have the money so he strapped her to a kitchen chair with several belts, heated up a fork on the stove and tried to burn her eyes out with it. She had third degree burns on her wrists and forehead. At 2am that night, Merrik showed up at my bedroom window (I'm still just 17 here), it was raining and he was shirtless and barefoot, he asked to stay the night and I let him in to sleep on the couch. The next morning was Sunday and we were getting ready for church, he was gone in the morning, and the police showed up asking if I had seen him. I didn't know what he'd done so I told them the truth. After church he called me and told me he was hiding in his grandmother's house in the basement, when I found out from the police what he had done I was mortified and I called them and turned him in. He was arrested and spent until the age of 21 in a Military youth camp. He gave me my only tattoo, it's a skull and a pentagram with FTW at the bottom, meaning F*** The World. I wanted a rose. He married after military camp and beat his wife until she was deaf. He gassed himself in a car about 10 years ago.
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