Mon., Oct 22:Getting Rid of Calorie Excess, Trying to Make Fasting Priority ONE
getting back into the mindset of really seriously starting the fast
Date: 10/22/2007 10:02:32 PM ( 13 y ) ... viewed 1336 times
I don't know how long this entry is going to be, since I have to go to bed.
I shoudl not be writing at all, since I am not in control and writing distracts me from sitting down nd getting really serious about the fast and doing it.
I need to get willing to fast.
I have not even fasted an adequate fast for my weekly fast!!!
This is totally unacceptable.
I should not be writing before I have things a little mor figured out and am in a little more controla nd have brought myself back to the willingness to fast.
I finished all that was left of my processed-food/dairy relapse foods today. This morning. 5 am. Depriving myself of sleep, driven by these triggering foods.. and I was SO DRUNK ALL DAY. I could not even walk straight.
But I got rid of a lot of my calories excess today by limiting my cals to like 723 cals today.
Only 266 left to get rid of -- exces cals, that is
I wanted to start the fast on a full 1220 cal day -- this would be Weds -- tho there is no real reason to wait longer tahn tomorrow.. after all I have already had 266 for tomorrow and so if i eat like 900 tomorrow whatever I will have had a full 1200 cal day tomorrow...
I must remember and pay attention to this reaction which i am distinctly having to processed food.
It is very clear to me.
Only raw food is safe.
Really only sprouted raw living food, that is green in color, from chlorophyll, and that is not starchy (as with some immature sprouts) is safe.
If only I had a real Reason to adhere to this sort of diet, exclusively, for life; and to fast at length regularly.
I have a great understanding now of my Pattern, having studied my food diaries -- I have never done this before. Pattern: 2 to 4 weeks on raw food ... but including all sorts of triggering raw, such as sweet fruit, dried fruit, and nuts.... then a relapse lasting about one day on processed food. All with weekly fasts. Then back on the wagon after the 1-day relapse. But getting sick of the raw foods I eat, and burned by the excess of fruit. It is too much sugar. It triggers me into the salt...
I want to get OUT of this pattern
I wish I could determine JUST TO DO IT AND GET ON GREEN LIVING FOOD ONLY
Today I sent away for my refund that I am going to use to pay for the deluxe electric warming greening SPROUTER so I can have proper sprouts and adhere to the living green diet better.
I just need a WHY, a REASON, to refrain from getting high. To use green living ONLY and to FAST and to have a max. of 600 calories at a sitting and to wait 2 hours after eaating fr each 100 cals I eat, before eating again.
Whenever I write these goals it is fine to write them but I am not really wanting them -- I am imposing them on myself out of materialistic fear. so i need a better reason to WANT these goals. I am just materialistically fearful -- of homelessness, incapacitation, failure, failure to ever get well, and social ostracism... these are all material things,.... I jus want to get sober for the material rewards... maybe I need to find a real and spiritual reason to fast... but this could just be an excuse and I am sure whatever gets me to fast is Ok and the fast will make me more spiritual... maybe I cant hope to be spiritual until
One thing I know -- I was so depressed and unwilling to work and sleazy today all because of the processed food.
But even this is not getting me to fast.
HOW can I get the willingness for FASTING??
Well -- I have the willingness on the clean diet.
I have the willingness on the raw diet.
I am getting my sprouter and
But what is strategy?
How can I get myself, move myself, to the willingness tto use green living only, and to FAST?
I HAVE GOT TO DO THIS 60-HOUR FAST.
I am reeling in agony and pain from another comment I got.
The comment screamed at me for counting calories. I WILL COUNT CALORIES UNTTILK THE DAY I DIE, EVEN IF I DO NOT HAVE TO, EVEN AFTER I ACHIEVE ALKALINITY AND FREDOM FROM THE COMPULSION TO EAT, EVEN IF I BECOME A BREATHARIAN I WILL COUNT CALORIES -- I'LL COUNT THE CALORIES I DO NOT EAT!!!!!!!! DO NOT, I REPREAT, DO NOT *********EVER************ MAKE A SINGLE COMMENT TO ME AGAIN , **********EVER*************, CRITICIZING MY COUNTING CALORIES. Moreover this violator who made the comment used, as a basis for the criticism of my calorie counting, the fact that IT (the violator) didnt count calories... as if that had the slightest bit of relevance to me... in other words, it sat there and screamed at me, "don't count calories. Cause I dont count them." I am disturbed by having to deal with this sort of narcissism and I am infuriated at beign raped this way. F*ck you.
When I lost the fast .... I forgot what I was going to write here but hen I lost the fast I lost it because of loneliness. I am empty. My life is really detached and bleak.
I need to solve these problems.
I failed to goto OA today, though.
OA is where a lot of the aloneness could be worked on, and the lack of spiritual values.
I could become a good person in OA.
I guess when I die I want to have lived a life in which I helped others.
I remember a girl saying to me that with my acting I could really help others.
So.. is it time
I am all ashamed from a beating violent conversatio I had with my sister ... it must have bbeen yesterday though it seems longer ago... she was violent with me... I forgive her but I am though a little less alone since I did assert myself to her in the conversation .. I am still pretty alone.
I have to heal the aloneness to fast... but I don't really...
I NEED TO GET BACK INTO THE MINDSET OF REALLY SERIOUSLY STARTING THIS FAST
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