Oct. 25th: Starting a 14-Day Fast to Become Permanently Sober, Detoxed, and Free From Food Addiction
New Attitude: This is Permanent! Fasting for a permanent release from Toxicity. My fast has already begun, so my new life has already begun. Tomorrow, Day Two.
Date: 10/25/2007 9:29:36 PM ( 13 y ) ... viewed 2744 times
Started a new, life-transforming, food-addiction-permanently-busting, 14-to-30-day fast today, Thusrsday, October 25th, at 1:30 p.m.
In this fast I have a new idea: I am fasting to get alkaline and get out of food addiction... and the results will be lasting.. I intend for them to be lasting. This is a difference from before. It has been hard for me to determine to take a fast up to now since I thought: what would be the point? I would merely return to food addiction afterward, getting wasted on food daily and not being able to do my work. But for some reason now I suddenly understand or can imagine that after my fast, yes, I will be eating, but I will be eating small amounts at a time, with eating sessions well spaced apart, and never eating when I am in the slghtest doubt that eating is really OK with me; and not getting intoxicated by the food, and eating only "green, living" foods... so the eating will not impair me... and after this fast I need never, ever return to my current addicted, habitually intoxicated, can't stop-getting-wasted state, ever again!!! I'll just have to maintain the new detoxed SOBER state by keeping my diet raw and green-living, and by regular fasting.
I might be able to write a research paper on fasting for an English class. So I think I will try to do that.
I am determined to fast as long as I can. I am a bit scared since I am not overweight, just VERY TOXIC (=depressed, anxious, brain fog, leaky gut or whatever the hell is going on, bloating, can't go to the bathroom, yada yada) and SO much in need of a fast... and people get scared when not-overweight people fast... but I do not really feel that scared. A fasting center advised me on seeing pics that I could fast at least a couple of weeks perfectly fine and probably longer. I do believe this. I believe I coudl go 30 days, and that this would change my life. Anyway, there is absolutely nothing to fear.
So... what are the vulnerable points? what do I have to watch out for? ... nights, loneliness... being "empty," alone... feeling like "what's the point?" ... like I have no REASON to fast... though my life is SO HORRIBLE and I SO need the healing, detox, sobriety oh God. I mean, today was so, so hard: terror-filled as I struggled to function through the torment and total incapacitation, total congitive impairment, & physical impairment that came from just the act of eating the food I ate today... which I ate in horrid helpless obedience to horrible, body-disrespecting cultural presssure, from a culture SO IGNORANT of the HORRIBLE effects of the act of eating at times and under bodily conditions when eating just isn't appropriate... I am suffering from chronic, long-term self-poisoning, absolutely not, I think, the slightest bit less devastating than a pretty severe alcoholism pursued for this length of time.
I am scared, and it's the weekend, a vulnerable time since I don't have to function as much (no classes) and I am also alone. i think I need to pray for God or whoever to give me sustained conviction and determination and belief and willingness... and to give me f*cking COURAGE! oh God I am so scared.
I certainly could use someone to talk to about the food... about my horrible choices with it... always sitting there with compulsions to eat, because it is "mealtime" or something, and knowing I will just get so sick if I eat -- and going and eating anyway, it is so painful, and I can't stop it. For a long time I have been in a state in which a fast is required for me to function at all normally... so no eating I have done for about 20 years has been appropriate... I have needed for 20 , 30 years to take a 30-day fast (I'm in my 30's). I can't gather the strength to say NO to the eating compulsion. The immediate "relief" always seems ... what...? preferable? to me. To WAIT to eat, and to fast a long time, seems always "pointless..." It's a hard problem... I KNOW it gets better when I talk about it honestly to someone else.
So... yes, here we go. I really told myself that this would be a long fast for real... that I
I am going to be completely honest and say that I do NOT feel totally committed to the fast... I am exhasted... But I would like to be committed. And I did determine to do it this morning. I think maybe what is happening right now is that due to the very salty meal I had (just raw seaweed, but still not good) at midday today, to "begin my fast," all this salt, I am saying, has caused me to start to crave sweets (see Donna Gates, The Body Ecology Diet). So I am sitting here craving a diet Coke or something. Maybe I will give in to that -- but maybe not.
So... I have some work to do to get myself really committed. Lots of movies this weekend, I guess. I have to make plans to keep busy. I have got to pray to God to help me. OK. I am going to post to forums now and hope to hear from you tomorrow! Day Two for me!!! Of maybe 30 days!! And of a New, sober, functional life! In which I will finally leave my emotional and physical problems behind! And function! And support myself financially, since I will be capable of doing that! It is worth the pain. My new life has already started if I have already started fasting, hasn't it?
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