Blog: Releasing Secrets and Shame
by #53299

Pinch Me - I Know I'm Dreaming!!

I am being catapaulted to a much higher level of being. It is exhilarating yet scary. I have been waiting for these breakthroughs forever and opportunities for letting go and transformation are happening fast and furiously.

Date:   11/23/2007 8:23:18 PM   ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1617 times

Well, two very unusual things to report since my last post.

Firstly, I surprised myself by telling a fellow Toastmaster about my blog and inviting her to read it. Holy cow - what possessed me, a die-hard fiercely private person, to open myself up this way. It was a spontaneous and impulsive thing to do - totally out of character for me. I am usually so guarded. I guess I have been consciously endeavoring to live my life with more reckless abandon having tired of the predictable, boring kind of life I have been living. At first I panicked thinking "Oh my God, what will she think of me? What if she tells someone about it in our Toastmasters group even though she assured me she wouldn't? How could I face anyone there? How can I continue to write so candidly about my deepest thoughts and feelings if she continues to read it?" But then I consoled myself by convincing myself that she will probably be way too busy to read it anyway and will probably forget all about my offer. No such luck! A few days later I received the following email:

"I've got to send you this email of thanks before turning in for the night. I'm so glad that you trusted me to read the blog and I'm honored you understood on our tel conversation that I'd know where you're coming from. Its been a couple of days of reminating and thinking about the different people in my own family, which you've shed some light on, in a strange way."

She then shared the blog with a friend, keeping my identity anonymous and then passed on her friend's comments to me:

Subject: Re: Finally Ready to Cast Off the Shackles... by #53299

"Hey there! Wow, that was a powerful blog and what she said is so have to bring these things into the light before you can heal. She may not realise it but she's already on the road to healing her life. I'm saying a little prayer for her."

WOW - am I humbled to think that anyone might be benefitting somehow from the sharing of my very private and painful experiences. It really does lessen the load, I must say. I must also admit that when I go onto my blog and see how many views it has received, I find it a little hard to imagine anyone could be that interested in what I have to say. Kind of boggles my mind. Maybe I underestimate the power in sharing a story. Anyhow I hope my words are somehow inspiring and uplifting others and giving someone perhaps a new perspective on their life experiences. If that were true, I would feel so gratified.

The second radical thing that happened is that I opened and read two emails I don't normally read. I am on their subscriber list but find I don't have the time to read everything that comes through my Inbox. But these two items were an answer to questions I had been pondering over recently. I am sure this is a prime example of divine intervention - when you ask a question you will get an answer if you are open to receive it.

Recently I had been thinking about how to disassociate myself from my ugly past, ie. not define myself by what has transpired in my life. I really am making a concerted effort to transcend my past and catapault myself to a completely different level of being in this world. So here is the article that I 'happened' upon a few days ago which so succinctly puts into words this very dilemma.

Giving Up the Story
By Karen Wright

There is a story you've heard many times... so many that you've memorized it by heart. Yet, it's not always a story you like and it's even sometimes a story you hate. It's also a story you feel compelled to tell everyone you know - over and over and over again.

What is this story? It's YOUR story. You know, the one that fills in all the background on why you and your life are the way you and you life are. The story of your difficult childhood or your cheating spouse. The tale of your failed business or addiction to carbs. It's the story you wrap around you like a tattered wool coat hoping that it will protect you from the chilly inquisitions of critical eyes. The excuses you hide beneath for not living up to your potential.

As wretched as your story may seem, you reluctantly embrace its jagged edges. For it has become so much a part of you that you can't imagine who you'd be without it. And, if truth be told - your story has POWER! It can garner sympathetic solace and soften harsh judgments. And if it's a really good story, one that tugs at their hearts, can even remove all expectation of recovery.

It's a good bet that, over time, you've perhaps embellished or exaggerated your story to enhance its impact. After all, those who've heard it all before have become a bit bored - you needed more drama to keep their attention. But, the one who is most affected by the telling of your story is you. Each time you tell it, you make it more real. You add weight to its blow to your self-esteem.

Eventually, after the ears go deaf and the sympathetic smiles turn to rolling eyes, you realize that your story is neither unique nor particularly interesting. It's just a story - one of millions that all sound pretty much the same. We all have our reasons and excuses and justifications for not being or having or doing what we want. The story is yesterday's news and has undoubtedly been told more eloquently by someone more renowned.
So, now what? What story do we tell ourselves if this one's outlived its flimsy purpose? How about a story of promise and commitment? One of passion and potential. How about a story of the future, not the past? That's a tale waiting to be told - longing to be dreamed and brought to life. It's a story we can really do something with. One we can get excited about. And yes, it's a story that will create expectations - ours and theirs. Telling a future tale takes courage and imagination. But, we were born with warehouses full of the stuff!

What will your story be? What exciting plot will you weave in? What fascinating characters will be in your tale? On what distant short is the sunset that you will ride off into? This is so much more exhilarating than resurrecting a dead past! You have life-giving breath. Breathe it into your dreams. Dreams are not just flights of fancy. They are not foolish kid-stuff. Dreams are the soul's inspiration and the future's best-seller.
This is why you are here - to bring your true story to life and let the world rise in a standing ovation. Imagine taking that bow! The theatre is filling and we're waiting with anticipation for the curtain to rise. We're here for you and we can't wait to shower you with adoration. You're a star!

Karen is author of The Sequoia Seed, a great read for anyone who is seeking understanding or guidance, inspiration or clarity in his or her life. "Waking Up," the free bi-monthly ezine, was created to help you activate your natural motivation to move beyond mere existence and to really LIVE your dreams. Contact by tel: 509-475-1060 or email.

See the following related pages at Tools for Transformation:
Print-friendly version + Recommend this article | More at Counterpoint Article Library

YESSSS! I think writing this blog is finally helping me give up 'my story' - as juicy and convoluted as it is!

The second revelation came from an email I almost never open and read (why I don't unsubscribe is beyond me!) It dealt with an issue I have been wondering about a lot lately. Part of my 'story' goes way back to childhood where I could do nothing right. I always felt like everyone else had so many talents compared to me and I felt much envy and jealousy. I was never allowed to shine in any way, shape or form. And if there was something I was good at, my mother was always quick to point out that 'you get that from me' or 'if it weren't for me, you would never have succeeded' and those kinds of comments. I always felt dwarfed and deflated around her and was constantly reminded of how I fell short of the mark or couldn't compare to my brother and all his accomplishments etc. Too bad for me I made the choice to buy into that story. I have believed it for most of my life.

In a previous post I mentioned having a numerology report done ( which threw me for a loop because it went on and on about how talented I am in all the areas I had previously envied others for (ie. painting, writing, acting etc.) SAY WHAT?????? It even said I had the potential to influence large groups of people and that I have been fantasizing about putting myself in front of an audience (stemming from needing approval and validation). OMG - that is so painfully true but really explains why I have taken to Toastmasters like I have. I finally feel like I have a voice and it is exquisitely sublime to be heard and listened to. I come home from each TM meeting feeling high. But I was totally unprepared to hear, nor was I convinced, that I could learn to draw or paint.

But the subject of that second email was about a 91-year-old painter who claims he can teach anyone to be very good at drawing and that we can all do it. I freaked, thinking it a sign for me to finally let go of this very restricting self-limiting belief and to perhaps challenge myself to learn how to draw, or at least entertain the possibility that I could be capable of it.

I vaguely remember once hearing that we are attracted to people who possess attributes that we admire in them but that we also possess those attributes - they just lay hidden and unexpressed in us. What a concept! I am always attracting the same kind of female friends - the dynamic, creative, unstoppable 'movers and shakers' of the world. I always feel dwarfed in their presence and always wish I could be more dynamic like them. With everything that is happening to me lately, I am beginning to wonder if I am actually capable of being just like them. In fact, is Spirit trying to show me that I can indeed become like the people I have been secretly admiring?

I am so thrilled that I am keeping my word to myself to do whatever it takes to let go of my shame. I don't want or need these shackles anymore. I am ready to fly. I am feeling stronger and more powerful every day and I have no clue where this will all lead. All I know is that for the very first time in my 51 years of life, I am excited to be alive and look forward to whatever is coming my way. Feeling powerful is a really new way to experience myself but I think I CAN GET USED TO IT!!

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