Blog: LightLizard's Lair
by LightLizard

To be or not....

Life or death?

Date:   5/7/2008 4:35:24 PM   ( 13 y ) ... viewed 2784 times

Over the past few years, having been afflicted with renal failure and needing dialysis to stay alive, I have had numerous occasions to ponder the value of my life, as it is now.

One of the many inconveniences of my condition is that it can be very difficult to get a good night's sleep. From time to time I find myself staring into the blackness of the night and thinking about my limited options.

The intermittent leg cramps, constant itching, physical weakness and fatigue, the loss of sexua| desire and social interaction, as well as the inability to continue my life as a musician and tai chi instructor, the need for a multitude of medications, the side-effects of those medications and the very process of dialysis itself, having to be hooked up to a machine for ten hours every night.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if its worth the trouble. Sometimes I think it would be better to just stop dialysis and go to sleep for good. It would take about two weeks for me to die, they say. After a week of no dialysis, the toxins would build up in my system and I would likely slip into a coma, which would last about a week, until all of my organs shut down and my ordeal would be over.

These types of thoughts often crawl through my mind in my hours of insomnia.
Then, the morning sun begins to brighten the sky and illuminate my room.

I hear the sounds of robins, greeting the new morning. I think of the loved ones that have stood by me in this battle of survival. My wife, my daughters, my cat. Yes, my cat. She often comes to lay with me when my pains force moans from my lips at night.

These are the treasures that keep me going. That give me reason and purpose and the desire to go on. Life can be hard and painful. But love makes it all good and right.

Love to you all...


~LL~

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