Days 14 & 15
Having an emotionally tough day.
Date: 2/3/2011 7:59:22 AM ( 11 y ) ... viewed 1173 times
I have been frustrated with the lack of weight loss, the moodiness, the lack of food. I miss the experience of food, but I am not hungry. I need to find a way to move. Yoga may be the answer. I am supposed to be 125. I get so frustrated, because when I exercise, it doesn't work. When I fast, it doesn't work. I feel like a failure when it comes to my wieght. My mom is ~350lbs. My grandmother is ~300lbs.
I was raised on sugar, sodas, french toasts, pop tarts. Whenever I got in trouble growing up and was mad at my dad, he would force me to eat a pop tart as a peace offering. Even if I couldn't breath from the - well - snot from crying so much and having a mouth full of the food that he was forcing me to eat didn't matter to him. So long as I "accepted" it and ate it, that was a symbol that I was accepting him even if he was forcing me to eat it.
Therefore, I have such a love/hate relationship with food. I hate it for the negative association that my dad gave me: food is the only way to say I am sorry or to comfort. I hate it since my mom was so depressed while I was growing up and fed me that crap when I was a child - and didn't know better - since she wasn't the only one who was going to be fat. (Her mother did the same thing to her.) But I love it since I broke the addictions during the first 40-day fast, and now I enjoy the flavors and sensations. I just have such a hard time eating a moderate amount.
Perhaps this is one of the reasons I needed to do this. I needed to face this. To deal with this. To work through it. *sigh*
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