The Need For Self-Empathy Plus Radical Honesty!
Identifying needs and feelings. Loving the Truth of Self all the more! The need to know your Human Design! The need to communicate the radical truth of feelings.
Date: 11/12/2011 5:09:57 PM ( 10 y ) ... viewed 1556 times
November 12, 2011 -
First - Here's a list of forty-three needs (from/inspired by a larger list that are recognized as real needs by NVC & the compassionate communication communities) that I identify with today in my relation to a certain "community" and especially in relation to it's acting house manager. I have assembled this list with the primary intention of giving myself all the self-empathy that I need! Doing this has actually supported my own self-empathy process! About half (or twenty-seven) of these needs are emphasized with this character: *.
I have needs for:
*Connection* (has a potential relationship to empathy)
*communication* (has a direct relationship to empathy)
love (has a potential relationship to empathy)
*to know and be known* (has a potential relationship to empathy)
*to see and be seen*
*to understand and
be understood* (has a direct relationship to empathy)
*understanding* (has a direct relationship to empathy)
Now, Here's a list of feelings that I have felt in the same context that inspired this blog entry regarding the impact of events today:
Last but not least - the need for Truth (a need that I did not see in the grand list of needs at cnvc).
I have a need for truth and firstly the need that I tell myself the truth about everything! I fulfill this need to the extent that I live "The Four Agreements" + "The Fifth Agreement". I am convinced that assumptions are not likely supportive of the truth and are best avoided. "The Third Agreement" says "Don't Make Assumptions". In the book "the Fifth Agreement" by Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz I read: "Making assumptions and then taking them personally is the beginning of hell in this world. Almost all of our conflicts are based on this, and it's easy to understand why."
I understand! -
I am generally careful about making assumptions (and especially since a couple years ago when I had "publicly" declared that I am dedicated to living my life according to the original four agreements). But today I realized that I did make an assumption. I assumed had a most trustworthy agreement with a certain individual in respect to our community with his assistance on our landscaping project. And even though the agreement was acknowledged by that individual (to communicate and give advance notice as to any changes that may come up before proceeding with those changes) it unfortunately was essentially broken today. In light of the fact that I had invested an accumulated number of hours in dedicated communication with the individual (as well as with others to have things be clear) it came as as a shock to me that the agreement was essentially - unilaterally changed in an instant, without my awareness and without sufficient notice so that I could make an adjustment! I learned some things from the experience that I accept and I am open to seeing the insights from this experience working together for the greater good and even if it means more adjustments on my part. All I want/need is peace! I will make adjustments for peace!
I realize that I was assuming a leadership function for the sake of having peace and preserving it in the community.
I also see that my need for a healthy community fueled my willingness to be proactive in the way that I was.
I further realize now that community does not have the same meaning for everyone. Not everyone shares the same value about community. And if someone is not actually living in community then what investment do they actually have in community?
To the extent that these things are true is the extent that it is easier for me to understand how someone can say "Oh I believe in community" and then when "tested" (or given an opportunity to demonstrate what they really "believe in") fail to fully respect the whole community! And that's what community is - it is the whole of what it is, like a whole circle (in this case of individuals) rather than just one individual! Based on that I can find it easier to forgive the individual who broke the agreement which was most essentially an agreement to respect all the community members. The individual later indicated that it was overwhelming to have so may people "giving orders". That is clearly the individual's story!!! In any case I accept that (but I do not agree with the story line that there were an overwhelming number of different people here giving different orders in this specific context)! Nevertheless I can really understand how difficult it can be for someone who really just wants to do their work (and specially if they are a Four of Spades!) to have to deal with all the considerations of different people with different needs!
However, the experience has opened my eyes as to how the "forces" operating within an individual can possibly play out for that individual and the consequential impact that could possibly have on others! Now guess what the bottom line to all of this was?
It all came down to one thing and that is "money". The individual agreed to proceed in and with the foreknowledge that choice to act could likely have an adverse impact on others because it was felt that was required to keep the job! Instead of "money" we could use a more neutral term and call this survival. There is nothing wrong with that survival instinct (regardless of how it may be "wired"/programed in an individual) but it seems to me that the need may be more truthfully stated as an unconscious fear! This fear of losing a job (or maybe actually just a few hours of work) could be understood as having an impact on the thinking of the individual by adding pressure at the moment of the sudden change in plans. I would need to look at this individual's Human Design chart to verify this! Just as important (if not more) is the fact that people who do not know their Human Design probably do not know their Inner Authority whereby they can make correct decisions that are according to their Design!
There is a real danger in making decisions in the mind because The Mind Is Never, Ever Ever, the Inner Authority For Anyone!!!!!!!!! I think this is what happened in this instance nearly twelve hours ago. A decision was made by an individual under pressure and the decision was made by the individuals mind, not the Inner Authority!
Now I am loving my design all the more!:
Through my understanding of my Design I have absolutely saved myself from what I believe would have been virtually unlimited needless suffering! "Virtual" is an important term here as the hell I may have created would have been in the virtual reality of my mind! (I like to think that such a creation is no longer possible given the transformation that I have been mastering in my life.) I did have some kind of an opportunity to test that out today. As I mentioned above, I did experience a very significant disappointment today with regards to an agreement that another individual and I made concerning respectfully communicating changes in their work plan here prior to the change possibly having an undesirable impact. It did take me thirteen hours to process the upset (of the broken agreement) through my triple split definition to the point where I finally could feel considerable calm clarity. Knowing that I have a Design "To Wait" has been the greatest wisdom for me and I can't fully say here just how great of a difference that has made for me!
I am most grateful to have this awareness and this understanding of my Design and to know how deeply this is serving and saving me! I see my own transformation very much like that of a phoenix rising from it's own ashes. I am that phoenix rising and I see the ashes that remind me of a former human form that I have let go of.
Update - January 9, 2012
In a letter I wrote:
"... unless I resolve the 'psycho' component to my psycho-somatic condition I will probably not be that much better off with just treating the somatic component. And so I have decided not to pursue physical therapy at this time but instead find a mind-body MD who can finally diagnose a psycho-somatic condition and then begin a new treatment plan to address that! I mentioned this to my (very conventional) general practitioner MD on Friday and he suggested another MD who teaches oriental medicine! I intend to pursue that as of tomorrow.
In the meanwhile I have read more in my "MindBody Workbook" (plus the author's site
and I now realize that my highest priority for my own self-treatment plan is to emphasis telling the truth about my feelings and especially all the upset feelings - no matter how 'small' of an upset I may think! I believe it was the author who said that no feeling is too small! Reading that was a real revelation for me! I realize that my conditioning regarding resisting expressing my upset feelings has continued solely by my own dedicated attempts to 'minimize' my upset feelings. It has taken me quite a number of years to finally come to the realization, that I now have, that my approach in 'minimizing' really does not work for me at all! For many years I thought there was a defect within me about not being able to completely minimize my upset feelings. As if I were a 'failure' in that regards! As if I had a 'problem'. That belief has put me into hell more times than I care to even think about now!
Consequently my new realization is revolutionizing my interactions with others! I have already had a couple opportunities to experience myself responding to others in ways that included at least some acknowledgement of my feelings. As far as I can tell there is no turning back for me! This is actually something I can celebrate! I believe that once a habitual behavior becomes conscious, especially the core-belief that is hidden within that behavior, it can be the beginning of the end of that behavior! My behavior, in avoiding communication about my upset feelings, is so conscious to me now and the effect that this particular behavior has impacted me is of such great magnitude that I just can not imagine continuing with that behavior any more! The way I see it now is I am crossing a major bridge of self-defeating behavior just in the nick of time before the whole dam bridge collapses! (It is interesting to me that my tooth got pulled at this time as it may point the need for a "bridge"!)
Consequently, it is vital for me to make more-conscious choices regarding who I relate to! I realize that not everyone shares the belief about telling the truth about upset emotions. There are major investments (in many different ways) in the self-denial of emotional honesty! That's just the way it is in the world as we know it today and I accept that! However, I choose to relate to people who are able to hear my upset feelings without personalizing what I say as a personal attack against them! Yet I can never assume that people have that ability. Fortunately I do know a few people that I can tell the truth to and those relationships offer me great support! Still, there are people I know who have consistently revealed their limitations on how much they are willing to hear when it comes to real feelings. (That is part of what I call 'radical honesty' and not everyone has read that book!) Knowing the limitations in others, I do my best not to look to them for complete empathetic listening. (I am the first one to give myself empathy, including empathetic listening. I am able to do this and writing, just as I am now, is a tremendously great support for me to become as conscious as I know how to about my true feelings. It is perfectly safe for me to write about my feelings!) And some people I avoid contact with altogether because of the tension I feel within me around them.
Tension is possibly the number feeling that I need to be on watch for! It is a sign that I am resisting expressing the truth of a feeling and that resistance suppresses the feeling somatically, into my body where it accumulates and effects me on a physical level as if it is a physical problem when in fact there is nothing physically defective! I use to think it was Christ-like to suffer like this. That was a belief that I felt I have no power over and therefore had to suffer. But now that I know it is a belief I can change it! I have chosen to change that belief! I believe it is more Christ-like to tell the truth and to trust that I have enough of God's love in me that love will come through the truth so that others will know I am not attacking them! Not trusting that has been like a wall, apparently blocking me from connecting with others in a completely truthful emotional way. Now I am tearing down the wall!
I've begun to send reports to my German New Medicine practitioner/teacher friend on the East Coast. As soon as he acknowledges my first report I will be sending those to him as often as possible. I believe that will probably be a most tremendous therapeutic help for me!
That's what I know! I think the rest will have to be revealed. My Design works best by being patient. waiting for emotional clarity and then, finally, responding! According to Biorhythms there is a 28-day emotional cycle and so I need to allow the possibility of having to wait 28 days to go through a whole entire emotional cycle before I have the clarity I need! That's perfectly fine with me because I am finally not wanting to be in a hurry for anything! I tell myself: "I can wait"!"
 From: http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory
 From: http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory
 : http://www.mindbodymedicine.com/)
Also see a substantial article on empathy:
"The Most Beautiful Beings Have Empathy":
empathy, self-empathy, nvc, compassionate communication, truth of self, human design, inner authority, the four agreements, the fifth agreements, the first agreement, the third agreement, destiny cards, four of spades, phoenix rising, mind body medicine
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