0ne step forward, two steps back
Demoralising day, importance of daily nutritional needs, exercise and metabolism maintenance, a problem I can't yet solve, new insight on how I give people shit when I feel shit, and some thoughts on what love is and isn't, and new practices in loving someone well.
Date: 1/11/2014 9:38:29 PM ( 9 y ) ... viewed 1801 times
So I finally worked out I like doing things slowly a few days ago.
Today showed me again why that causes me problems.
I just can't keep up. Can't keep up with the cleaning, can't keep up with work, I just don't move at the speed neccessary to get through what needs to be done, and as a result, life is e (usually) a constant experience of running to keep up with no pleasure in my industry, i nterspersed with periods of doing what I like with "f*** the consequences" defiance and either awareness that this will have a cost later, or occasionally a few blissful days of non-awareness that this is the deal.
Today, its seems the past few days have been rare blissful unawareness of the true state of affairs, and today the costs are beginning to be clear.
And it always comes back to a failure in the chain of things that needs to be done.
Eg - I rent out rooms in my house. To do this I need photos. I have no adequate camera since my phone was stolen. My friend agreed to take some and give them to me, meaning I had to clean and make beds etc in two big rooms today. Which I did in a fine state of resentment over a period of several hours, with breaks for other constructive stuff. Friend takes pictures, which I am then unable to upload because between us we have not the neccessary cable to connect his camera to my (or his) computer. So this job, which done at speed should take an hour total, takes 6 hours of time to reach completion and then cannot be finalised, which means I cannot conclude the arranged bookings on schedule and may lose them. In the process of clearing the rooms, a curtain comes unclipped and the process of putting it back only serves to make it fall down completely and shows the problem is what holds it up - now a trip to the DIY shop, screw, drills and hammers are required to arrange a room that only needed sheets and hoovering this morning. Clearing rubbish from the room to the kitchen means cluttering a clean surface, and when I return to the kitchen everyone else has brought and left their own clutter there also, ruining the cleaning and tidying I did and hoped to maintain yesterday. The search for missing sheets reveals a store kindly mis-put away by a friend in a clothing cupboard, which must now be relocated in the laundry area which does not have the space - i perfectly arranged the rotating sheets of laundry there some weeks ago. I have no other space for them. By this point in the day i am frustrated and in a foul mood, and am aware that I am mentally berating friends and loved ones for old grievances as I go through my task list. This kind of negative energy is something I am seeking to be aware of and avoid, so I finally get the essentials done, return to my room and sit to meditate and bring myself back to centre for 10 minutes - and am interrupted half way through by the helpful camera friend who has offered their time and needs to be dealt with right now. So I am even more shitty in attitude. Finally I get out of the house befire the light fades, on a neccessary trip to the bank which I miss by 5 minutes. I have promised myself a trip to the movies as a bright point of my day and 10 minutes before it starts, there is a message from a pregnant friend who has started bleeding into the toilet. Her husband is at work. I abandon trip to movies and get on bus to her plce - wrong bus which means half an hours walk in the dark. The good news is she is fine, but I stay an extra few hours which are then gone fom my meditation time. Get home to my rubbish-strewn room and cluttered kitchen, looking at my incomplete tasks of the day with no desire or energy to complete them, but put on a comedy show and do some basic pick-up and fold things before lying down for a break, and falling asleep for four hours.
While waiting for the movies, I made the bad decision to check out the clothes sales - which I never do - and tried a few things on. Thus I got to look at my body close up which I have not done for a while.
Eurgh. God, I have lacklustre skin with surprising spots on my face - which I never get - but my body is just white squidgy folds of unmuscled, cellulitic flesh. I have always been heavily built - big boobs and bum, and 'couple of extra pounds' figure, but also always very strong, could walk forever, did serious amounts of yoga and had the muscles to support my weight. I am looking at the toll of the latest period of confining myself to bed - when I do nothing, my muscles go to waste. It is horrible. I feel horrible about myself.
Another blog I have read shows someone doing careful weights and exercise daily and seeing a 3 pound drop in weight per day. I have no idea of my weight, but I need to tone up and be lighter on my feet. I would like to set this as a goal, but scared of the negative effect on me of goalsetting. I shall have exercise as a priority tomorrow and see what happens. 0ne day at at time.
At least, in terms of the cleanse, today has been pretty uneventful. SWF ok this morning - I finally got round to buying natural salt and it is much easier on my system - though have to increase the amount as less came through my intestine, and more liquid came out the normal way. Who knows, maybe the shitty mood is in itself detox.
A problem I am having is making sure I take enough of the lemonade into my system. I am using organic molasses, which is an acceptable substitute for maple syrup - I really can't afford maple syrup which where I live costs about 10 dollars for a days supply. But I hate the taste of the molasses, so nothing in my day involves sustenance that tastes good.
It's a good thing short term to have me not associate enjoyment with putting food in my mouth. The bad thing is, I don't want to. I am forcing myself to do it, and I don't think I reached the thousand calorie minimum yesterday or today. And while the shallow part of me rejoices the short term weight loss implications, I know that doing this cleanse wrong can screw up my metabolism and just increase my chances of being a fatter heavier person in the long term. I need to up the exercise and keep on track with the minimum daily requirements for this reason. We all do.
But in fact, no. The shitty mood is arising from having too much to do and not enough time to do it. And that is normal. And other than speeding up, which is always at the cost of any sense of meaning or achievement, and is never enough speed to keep up or get ahead, I don't see a solution.
I just don't see one. I don't know what to do with this. It's why life rarely feels good. I don't feel entitled to 'good' but it seems like it should be achievable through effort and like time out should be possible without constant fear of consequences. I resent this norm.
0ne positive outcome of the day is two insights. I did manage to break my resentful inner monologue and get resolution - the root of the bad attitude was processing grief over an old betrayal. When I finally worked out the grieving part and cried, the tension disappeared.
And the insight I got to was - I was looking at an aspect of an old lover that causes me suffering. But that is in him. Holistically, so are many good aspects that I feel 'love' for. But being close to someone long term is always going to show me their bad points, and show them mine. Do I want someone I care for to look at me in a loveless way? No, I would find it demoralising. But it has and will happen. Do I want to do it to them? no. What is 'love' in fact? If it is no more than the good feeling I have towards someone giving me approval, there is not much to it. All it says is I like being stroked. So does everyone. So do dogs. And the 'negative' in the person. I don't like feeling bad in connection with someone, so withdraw approval from that aspect of them. In this case, I think it really is a bad fault this old lover has - it hurts him in all his personal connections. But we all have such faults. How do we change? What is our motivation? If our loved ones take their approval away, we are demotivated and effectively punished. And we either go on in our old way , or try to change but find it harder.
So for all of us to improve our world, and therefore all human connections, it seems to me that love demands that we be able to look at the fault of a loved one, from the position where it causes us suffering, and still be able to love them, and love them with that fault, so our love can help them on the journey to getting that fault out of them (and them do it for us too).
Wow, that is a tough demand. Doesn't that kill the romantic expectations of "romantic" relationships stone dead? And yet it does sound more like the 'loyally putting up with you, liking you sometimes' nature of many long term relationships I see working.
Much respect today to those in such relationships.
I am trying today to look at that old lover, holding the memories that make me sour towards him, yet seeking to feel the honest love I held for him.
In reverse, I am trying now not to do what I usually do = when someone annoys me, I spin my attitude wheel and picture them in a situation where I know I approve of them. 0n examination, I am always reverting to a situation where I see them as vulnerable and weak and I am helping them. That is not the only person that they are, and now, when I reach a stressful moment with someone, I am trying to see them in the light of their current truth, not the disempowering memory I use to enforce my good attitude to them.
Trying. I need to meditate more on that.
Yeah, that's today. S .done nothing about planning a forum or workshop to help people, still trolling through my own shit.
When do I get to be operational, and how?
I want that, because my gut says its my key to not feeling deep inside like yet another day was wasted not being who I am and using what is in me for its proper purpose.
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