Blog: Je Rêve de Toi
by JeSuisButterfly

Back to the Middle of Nowhere..

Just give me something to go on...

Date:   10/14/2005 10:16:12 AM   ( 16 y ) ... viewed 2833 times

The last week has been thrilling, dramatic, exciting, depressing, shocking, adventuresome.. I woke up at 3:00 this morning and all of my doubts and fears came rushing to my mind ~ What if I don't sell my car? What about all my bills? Is today the 14th? Oh no.. the Collection Agency.. what now? What now? I have 4 paths I can take, but which one do I step onto? If it was my choice, I'd stay huddled right here, where I can just stare at them, make sure they don't go anywhere so that I may always have a chance with all of them - to make sure I don't mess up.. no choices are good choices, na? [Not always.. or ever?]

I've been more sick lately, I hate it. My roommate lost 6 pounds, she weighs around 93 or 94 now.. she's so tiny. She isn't trying to lose so much weight, it's just that she's always busy. She's about 5 foot 1, and seeing her get so skinny and in so much pain from lack of food really pulls at me. I work around the house for her cleaning, walking the dog, trying to cook [SAD diet stocked here]. I love this girl. She has hopes for Colorado and a boy named Ross, I desire for a stable home and radiant health.

Oh, and school. School.. books, computers, homework, assigned seating, classmates, grades, pencils, paper, notebooks, midterms [well, maybe I can pass up on that]. Just learning in general.. I need to, I desire to.

I wander around the house in circles.. upstairs, downstairs, outside, back up the stairs - it's aimless, I just feel lost.

I have this loop in my head: "If I wasn't sick, I'd ... If only I wasn't ill, then I would.. then I could.. then I'd be.." I believe that's my downfall.

All in all, I wish I was healthy and that I had a plan.. oh, and no more debts. ^-~;

~Papillon

P.S. I met this amazing guy, absolutely stunning. Beautiful, gorgeous, a perfect mentor and best friend.. he's really been helping me. Really. Words cannot describe how gracious I am ~ I am truly lucky.

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