Blog: Je Rêve de Toi
by JeSuisButterfly

Portions for Foxes

A caress of twilight.

Date:   10/19/2005 11:49:58 AM   ( 16 y ) ... viewed 1745 times

I went to bed last night curled in a tight ball ... ohhh how my stomach hurt! The pain and illness carried onto this morning. I followed my father's advice - eat bread, drink water. Being a professional cook, he would heal with food. Yes, I know, SAD diet is the polar opposite of healing, but the bread expands in one's stomach and acts as a buffer against the acid.
It helps to an extent. My stomach is still horribly upset - I hate spending most of the time sick in the restroom. MH's comment that chronic unsettled stomachs are one of the easiest things to fix is comforting, but in the wake of the sickness, healing seems bleak.

Ya zvezda, ty zvezda.
Nas prikazano szhech.
Kto-to sdal I dostal
Adresa nashikh vstrech.
Potolki po glazam
I nikto ne naidet.
Soskol'znut golosa,
I slomaetsya led.
I nich'ya bez klyucha,
I mogila postel'.
I pora vyklychat',
I oni na khvoste.
Ulybnis', razvyazhi,
Zanaves' zerkala

I get so angry when I look in the mirror. I purposely avoid them, keep my head down, fluff my hair over my face so people cannot look at me. Mirrors and I do not get along. I can stare into it for hours at a time, critiquing, criticizing my looks. People constantly comment now on how ill I look. I know your skin is the first thing to change when illness and dis-ease begin to manifest itself in the mind and body. Perhaps this sickness is what's twisting my thoughts, what's causing conflicting feelings and emotions. I get so upset over nothing - I feel such sorrow over simple mishaps. At one point, people would ask me how grade school was going.. when I was much older than that. Now people are inquiring about late college years, asking if I'm married with children. What? I'm only 18.

Thinking about the vaccinations I received and the addiction to the SAD diet I have ruffles me to no extent. When I was a child, I was very in-tune to myself. I ate fruit with glee, I ran barefoot in grass and sought comfort with trees and nature and animals, I knew needles were bad and I'd resist vaccinations with tears. I knew something wasn't right about them.
Realizing how jaded I've become is a mix between depression and feeling numb. I know the SAD diet and vaccines are causing me to age quickly, along with this illness which is tearing up my insides. It makes me sad that people can take a look into my eyes and label me as a broken soul. My wish is to curl up in someone's arms and cry and shake and seek comfort, but even if that dream were to come true, I'd be too sick to be able to stay in that haven.

All that noise and all that sound..

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