Blog: Changes
by deocder

Thoughts on screen....

yes, I'm wierd

Date:   9/1/2005 6:06:07 PM   ( 18 y ) ... viewed 1386 times

Wow, I certainly didn't expect so many people to view my post...and to thoes who commented, thank you very much.

Another day....

I ran in to the president of my company today at Wegmans (the grocery store). I was reading about enemas and colonics in a juice fasting book. He came up and asked what I was reading and I showed him the book. He asked if I was fasting and I immeadeately said no. I lied right to his face! Here I am trying to protect something again. As he was continuing off to shop he said, "don't fast, it's not good for you." And I said, "just reading!" Whatever! So lets look at why I lied in the first place.

Here is something I am doing, something that I made a choice, a decision, to do. I believe strongly that it will benefit me based on others experiences in cleansing. But there is something that I felt the need to hide. What is it? Let me run through my thoughts. Here is the president of my company, a high status guy, very friendly and overall seemingly nice. I do not know what his views are on fasting, yet I made an assumption that he may not approve. So in order to spare myself of confronting whether or not he approves of fasting, I alltogether lie. This prevents the confrontation. This also protects my decision to fast in the first place. Protect it from his judgements. This obviously goes back to my parents.... Very judgemental! But what is so bad about confronting weather or not he approves? What am I trying to avoid? Feeling like my decisions are worthless. Feeling like I can't 'make it' on my own. Feeling inferiorer. Feeling not good enough for his standards. WOW. If my decisions are not good enough for you, you will reject me or pass critical judgement, and I do not want that because it dont love me! You don't want to be around me! You will leave me (ties into the parents divorce at age 6). Overall, this all leads back to SHAME!

Well, this is my place to really dig into the shame that binds me. To work through actions, decision, thoughts, all that good stuff that paralyzes me.

And to think that I have a phone number in front of me of a girl that wants to meet me! Yet I am terrified to make the call. Again, this all relates back to the paragraphs above.....

Just make the call! What do I say? Hi, I'm the guy you want to meet....ELoser! The more I think about it, the harder it's going to get! Why would I spend time investing in a relationship where the individual might leave (divorce)? There I am thinking to big. I just need a @#&^% friend! Why do I immeadeatley jump into relationship mode?


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Comments (10 of 10):
Re: My first attem… kroxy… 11 mon
Re: Oh..! deocder 18 y
Oh..! 9thbody 18 y
Sometimes it just … 9thbo… 18 y
Wow! dgaskellphoto 18 y
Re: Nice Job! deocder 18 y
Nice Job! 100th monkey 18 y
for crapinzee loren1912 18 y
Thanks, remember s… Kermi… 18 y
Hope you don't min… JeSui… 18 y
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Thoughts on screen....  18 y
Starting  18 y
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