My first attempt at journaling
Old writings from 5/19/2005
Date: 9/17/2005 3:53:35 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 1544 times
Well here it is, I’m in my spot….lonely. Time to get this stuff onto paper. Of course the music has to be right….I find it nurturing. I know I am an awesome person…these feeling are just feelings….I feel this way because I lack emotional connection with people. I’m sitting here in the moment….no distractions…except for the music…..becoming one with my loneliness. Some other feelings…the world is a crazy place…so many people on so many different tasks……so much negativity….so much hate…….it feels inescapable sometimes…….people are corrupt and those people have kids and raise them in their corrupt ways weather they know it or no. It’s all very dirty…almost everywhere I go is dirty. Do I just concentrate on this stuff and fail to see the good in everything. Because I know its there…I’ve seen it. Does it completely depend on the mood I am in? Probably. Sometime I can accept the corruption for what it is and sometimes I have difficulty comprehending it. What I seek right now is purity. What is purity…..the only thing I can equate it to is god. Does god contain purity? Where is purity on earth? I know it exists. People are different there. OR does it not exist? I don’t know…..this too shall pass and I will no longer care anyway. Until I think about it again and then what? Do I become one with the corruption? NO! I have been given the power to overcome the corruption. So why is it that I still come back to it? It’s all about balance, isn’t it…..there are so many factors that make up who I am. So many things go into my daily everything. It’s glaring that my physical care has a tremendous effect on my mental stability. So why do I struggle so with my physical care? I have always somehow sabotaged myself somehow. Is it because I don’t believe that I deserve the good stuff? Does this have a connection with my upbringing? I don’t want anyone knowing that I grew up in Potomac…..and its totally because I think that they will think a certain way about me. Why do I care so much? Is it because I just want to be accepted? What is it? It’s because I want to be loved and I think people will not love me if I am not like them or they do not approve of me…..so many factors. Why cant I just be who I am and let it be at that? Why do I have to be someone who I am not? Is it because I do not like who I am? Because I am an awesome guy and I know that….it’s just these walls that I have built around me for protection are no longer stable…..and instead of the walls collapsing out, they cave in on me….. because that is the reality that I have created for myself….. and its deep….to the core…..and why do I perceive it as such a struggle to get past these walls? Because I am afraid to let down my guard…..someone may hurt me or reject me or abandon me…..and the pain associated with that is unbearable in my mind... But I know it can be overcome…it’s going to take work and change……because I truly want more out of life and am taking the steps toward that……. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Bah, those questions are too big…..or am I just trying to escape from the questions? DO I not want to look at them…or do I not really know? It’s okay to not know…..more will be revealed. So where do I go from here? Pretty soon I will have nothing else to write…..or could I keep writing….of course I could because I am writing down my thoughts..and they never stop….so I could keep going and going….. Maybe I should change the music….There changed…..I like this set….. So here I am in my lonliness…sitting at my desk, where I always sit…….this computer is the biggest distraction I have… I’m always on it, doing something with it……all my music is on it….the connection to the net, the instant information….. What would life be like without it? I would have more time to concentrate on important things….. more time to do whatever I do. Here I am sitting at my desk….do I want to call someone? Do I want to eat ice cream? Not really, I just ate a healthy meal with the ex-girlfriend…..whose married and moving to Holland. Amazing paths that people take…..I am so excited for her….perhaps jealous…..because I think that its different over there…..the people are different….what is the corruption like? Is there purity? Whatever…who cares? I’m moving to Florida. What is that going to be like? Busy……hard work…..growth. Because that is what I desire growth. I want more from life….what is it that I want though? Happiness. Love. Excitement. Laughter. All that good stuff…..I am done writing…..
Okay, now I’m thinking about sweets. Its not worth it…it wont make the feelings go away…..its false……stop! I feel like leaving this house. I want to go somewhere. I don’t know where…other than the ice cream place…….is that why I want to leave? Or do I just want to get out of my room? Do I want to be around anyone? Not really. Why? Why? I’m being selfish…..do I just want to continue to sulk in my loneliness? If I could be somewhere else, where would it be??? Wow, I really got to think about this….Yep, here are the hunger pangs… A nice bucket of ice cream would make me feel better….thats FALSE! Damn gears…..when are they open till? OMG the one in Herndon is open!!!! Just say NO! I worked out today….. Trying to distract myself…..
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