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I really don't want to write tonight.....
analysis please....
Date: 11/6/2005 6:56:14 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 1834 times I haven't written all week......whY? I don't want too look at myself.....why? Because I don't like who I am.....why? Because I am not doing very well.....or doing things that are good for me....
Or do I just think that and it's not real? I don't know.....
I just finished cleaning my fish tank that I have not cleaned for two months....I usulally clean it every week. So what does this say? I'm lazy? Yes, or maybe more accurately, I'm depressed. Yep, thats obvious.....I just wanted to get rid of my fish tank right then and there while I was cleaning it. I dont want to deal with the hassel of getting rid of everthing the "right" way......it seems so daunting! So much stuff, not easily sellable....just a big hassel.....but at least I got the tanks clean and don't have to feel guilty about not having done it.....
What else? I did a three day juice fast and returned to eating chinese food, pizza, ice cream, calzones, buffalo chicken sandwiches, carmel french toast, whatever the f*** I wanted too.....basically saying, I don't care! Fasting is not a good idea for this compulsive eater....
So does this indicate that coming off my meds was a bad idea? I mean, for a while things were great, while on the Master Cleanse.....then I fell and fell hard! And now I'm in a rut that I dont feel like coming out of while I feel guilty at the same time.....so what do I do? Do I go back on my meds and hope that that lifts me out of this pity potty? Or continue until I'm ready to make the change? I don't know.....
What am I doing with my life? Who am I? Do people like me? Do people want to be around me? Do I make it easy for people to talk to me or be around me? Do I WANT people to be around me? Do I have to continue with this attitude? It's sucking!
Well, it's about time for my daily ice cream outting.....off to Coldstone...
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