You can't stop a moving train: Dealing with a Selfish Man
Know How to Identify the Signs of the Male Mid-life Crisis
and How to Protect Yourself and Your Family Now!
Date: 10/25/2005 5:46:37 PM ( 15 y ) ... viewed 13963 times
So you've been married for decades and you were Sure it was forever. You've raised a family together, you've seen each other through rough times and good times.
You settle in , calmly anticipating growing old with this man. And then, suddenly:
he changes. In a lot of ways. Some subtle; some not so subtle. You watch him and you feel something you've never felt in your life: anxiety. At first you tell yourself, oh, it's just a stage he's going through. We're fine. He loves me; he loves us! You humor his little activities: the weight lifting, the weightloss,
the after shave lotion, the beginnings of what will eventually be the Cold Shoulder.
He may start asking you if he "looks ok?" Maybe he's late getting home from work recently; he always has a good reason. He seems short-tempered; he wasn't like this before. In fact, he may turn violent.
This Living Nightmare you are witnessing is the start of what is called in popular literature The Male Midlife Crisis. Little do you know: it's no nightmare for Him; just for You. HE is having fun; fun he keeps from you. A double life, to put it another way. Why? Because HE is starting to worry and fret and stew over his own aging that he is seeing in the mirror. You can compliment his appearance; it won't do much good. He wants it from "someone" else. Anyone else. Men that do this don't really love you; they love themselves. They are #1 in their lives. It comes as a terrific shock after about a year of this when it dawns on you that You are there to wait on him and the kids. What he wants You cannot give him; believe me.
What he wants and desperately needs now is a y-o-u-n-g-e-r woman to just smile at him. For starters. That is what rings this guy's bell. Not a pile of clean laundry, a lovely dinner, an evening out with friends. No. He wants "Crystal" to touch his hair, his chest, his .....anything. That is where his mind is; and in most cases, that is where it will stay until he finally, after years of crying, and fighting, and pleading and reasoning with him , gets another woman.
But what does he tell your friends? What does he tell your children? Not the truth, certainly; he turns it around and places the blame exactly where he wants it to be: onto You. "Your mother stopped loving me" is a good one. "We grew apart" is cited frequently as his main motive. At work he says, "we stopped communicating." But after a short time, he starts being seen with Crystal. He brings her in gradually; like they're just friends. At this point, you may often start going to doctors of different types-maybe you'll talk to your minister. You'll certainly tell your best friend how rotten you feel. You may lose weight finding it hard to eat. Prozac may be prescribed along with some Xanax to help you sleep. Do you think Mr Selfish feels guilty about this nonsense? Not at all! In the back of his selfish, sick, warped brain are the beginnings of thoughts of his Future with Crystal. Around this time, one of you may contact a lawyer. This can be one of the most dreadful, traumatic events in a woman's lifetime: being faced with not only the loss of her home, but the loss of her husband's income and possibly social status in the community. You may be dying a thousand deaths but rest assured that Mr Romeo is having a fabulous time.
Do I have advice for you? A little bit. If you find the trappings of another woman in his car start saving money NOW. It won't be the last. If you already Have money of your own hold onto it; you will probably need it for a new place to live.
Or, for house payments. And car payments. And for all the things that he paid for.
Accept the fact that you may have a long, difficult road ahead. The Dating Scene is different from what it was in the 1960's. Spruce up your appearance; you're going to have to "sell yourself" if you're going to want a new man. Do not believe that "all the good ones are married." That isn't true; I found that out for myself.
When and if it gets to the point that you can't stand the looks of this guy another night go down to the ATM machine every day for as long as you can get away with it and take every bit of money out of there that you can get. You do not owe this man anything; he has looked out for himself. So now it's time for you to look after Yourself. Go to the library and look up divorce laws in your state. Many states allow deductions from a man's paycheck each month to be sent to you until all the children are eighteen. If your husband happens to be a teacher you can often receive half of his retirement fund up to the time you contact a lawyer.
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