Day 4 of 120?
Sheesh - the (jungle) beat goes on, but it's getting rough
Date: 2/23/2006 8:00:27 AM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1865 times
Woke up feeling black and bleak and lost. You know the saying, "First there are mountains. Then there are no mountains. Then there are mountains."(a common enough Zen-manque saying that seems to have no web hits to speak of)? It must be that there are no mountains now. Whether there will ever be any mountains again is anybody's guess.
Here's one - Fire in the Kitchen (the NYC band not the Celtic thing that stole their name). If you are planning to do a fast, my recommendation to you is to stock up on Maugham short stories for entertainment and Fire in the Kitchen songs for - fire, life, in a Lawrencian-blood way. Maugham wrote a lot of them, often set in soothing places like Capri and the South Seas (which can actually be torture to read about...) - I only have one volume here, but they keep me lightly occupied yet mentally pretty satisfied - weird. I was too weak yesterday to do much strumming of my own- my coordination has got affected and I am tiring easily. I am also irritable with things I might not be - some Laika (band not the poor dog) I was trying to play (the music's fine and I'm very fond of jungly stuff) I simply had to turn off after a while - those electronica female vocalists, so slutty, always get on my nerves (with a few exceptions), but that Margaret person is really too much - yuck. I wonder who's supposed to go for that. Also rereading a book by Richie Unterberger about "obscure rock" - like all such books I know, the bands covered aren't terribly obscure at all these days, but he writes well - dog save us from the likes of Nick Tosches - and I wish I could get my ears on The Poets' stuff again. It's important to have not-too-challenging reading! I thought I'd want (even though I cannot have) lots of films around to mindlessly replay until I know the scr1pt backwards - but interestingly, so far, I just don't feel like that visual-kinetic-audio "violence" - it just doesn't seem to go with the internalism, the demands/whispers of deep fasting. But every day the question comes up again.
I'm really glad I consoled myself and bucked myself up after a very stressful day yesterday - if you are fasting and get into a stressful day before you know it, please try to chill it out and be kindly to yourself, and say you will feel better and will be glad you stayed with it. It helps to feel that there's really no alternative - I've binged on so many fasts, I can't tell you - this is the only one where I feel that nothing else will be any good, will approach hope for the results I need - so far, that really seems to help, and I've always thought I was desperate before, but I always managed to persuade myself there was something else (gentler, easier) I could do intead that might take longer but would be better, securer, realer in terms of commitment and real life. Right now, I just can't fall for that "oh-go-on-you-can-eat" line.
Details as of day 4 morning - it's starting to get difficult to move around. Although I'm not watching weight loss, just thought I'd note that the day before I lost nothing, and then yesterday I lost 2 pounds so for those of you who are watching scales, keep that in mind. I'm watching fat loss more than weight loss (my scale supposedly measures it), and so far it would seem I have plenty of reserves.
Things are starting to fall around me, but I haven't fallen myself yet. I have to remember not to get up from sitting or lying suddenly. Starting to feel generally unwell and tragic. But I _must_ do this. There's really no option. No option at all that I can see. No sign of any results so far - I started to "massage" the urine topically as well into my torso and face and so on - afterwards, I did feel better, healthier! I should try it again to day. I've been applying urine to moles and scars - so far, it's a crock! I even put some on some cuts I got on my hands, to see if what they say about the "miracle healing" of urine could show itself easily and clearly there - nothing doing, no more healed overnight than they would be by time and the body without urine. I still am drawn to the idea that urine works, but I've never seen any sign of its being true myself. That is why I want to give this urine fast a chance, although it'd presumably be securer and safer to switch to green juice. I ordered a phone so that if something scary happens and I need help, I can reach the world - don't know who I'd call, though! To end up in an emergency room would be just too terrible! I wish I knew who I could call in an emergency.
Sleep - one difference so far is that by now on a water fast I'd be lying awake at night, not able to sleep but not strong enough to actally get up. I've heard two theories about this - one, that because we're taking in fewer toxins and have less work to do from digestion, the body simply needs less sleep - "it's already in sleeping mode from the fast", as Buhner, someone I don't much like, says; the other is that the toxins we're stirring up disturb our sleep and make us restless and irritable so that sleep is more difficult. In any event, so far I sleep through the night - that is, don't wake up without being able to fall asleep again - overnight, I feel very dehydrated, have nightmares now (last night I was in the front passenger seat of a car being driven by someone else, and the breaks weren't working, as the car sped backwards - I crashed and "died" - not a good dream to have when you are fasting), and it's overnight, in a state of half-sleep, that I tell myself it is unsafe to go on, that my heart could stop in my sleep, that I must switch to green juice fasting - in the morning, I am fine, conscious, in control. It's the second night that's happened. I have not dreamt of going off my fast, eating, etc. - yet.
Whilst I still feel poop urgency in the morning, what actually is evacuated is just a little brown liquid, with some hard small pellets. So I'm faced with the question of what to do about "flushing" the colon. Any suggestions? I believe (and have read here, and elsewhere) both that one should move the bowel whilst fasting, lest it all be for nothing, and that, especially on a urine fast, one should let the body do whatever it does, even if that means not evacuating anything from the colon. One so wants this to be effective - one isn't doing this for fun!!! (Salt water flushes, Oxy-Powder, and laxative tea are never effective for me anyway, and clay and husk bloat and dehydrate me, especially when I take in no other fiber.)
Well, that is all to say - hoping I can be more inspiring soon. "Good stuff" like reliving weird anaesthesia taste from when I was 7 or something. My quadriceps ache sometimes - not sure if that's toxins - always happens on a water fast.
I'm much exercised by how to eat when I do - in summer! Raw vegan, of course - but the controversies are driving me crazy! Hopefully, the fast will take me to place where my body "knows" better than my mind or other people and so-called experts what to eat. Hopefully, too, it'll be sufficiently detoxed so that I don't have questions/confusions about whether, when I eat something like nut butter or apricots, it's "detox" or simply an unhealthy reaction to a toxin or mycotoxicity; and so that I'll be able to handle summer fruits perhaps without worying about Y/F overgrowth and so on. But that is saying a lot for hope. Sigh.
"The right thing is the kind thing." Jack
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