what on heaven's earth is going on?
more dust in the wind?
Date: 11/24/2006 8:45:43 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 2291 times
I haven't been to the Johrei center in a few days. I went to one of their ancestor services, and I found the 'sermon' of the man who led it to be rather simplistic, everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten spirituality. I'm a bit rebellious, and I think I've heard it all, so if we're in a spiritually oriented center, and I am to accept my role as humble student, when you speak, I had better be shaking in my shoes with awe at the power in the what and how of your teachings. Otherwise, I get the feeling like I've gone to a doctor for advice on my health, but he's fat, panting, pallid, and disturbed.
I accepted that I was there, but I started feeling rather upset at the feeling of upset, like I was wasting my time. The guy was just substituting for the usual minister, not such a big deal. Then, this man gave me johrei, and I LOST IT. I cried my eyes out sitting in that chair and felt what may have been thousands of painful memories spilling through me, years of isolation, feeling unloved, stabbingly painful awkwardness, and paranoia rushing up each moment. I was uncomfortable having such an intense release in a roomful of people, if grateful that it was coming out and not stuck in me anymore.
Afterwards, though, the man who'd given it to me says "can I ask you a question? who in your family died?" I said "no one recently. my uncle and grandpa." he says "and you were thinking of them?" I said "no." He then told me not to be paranoid but that he felt something and that I should consider having them enshrined in japan that people will pray for them every day, to think about it and speak to the minister.
It's his religious frame of reference, but it irked me. I didn't like this sudden dogmatic notion that my suffering, (which I'm already not thrilled had to be publicly witnessed) that its origin is my not donating money to people praying for my family in Japan.
I then prayed that my life might just get simpler, for another way to release this stuff, and I've been going a bit self-help book crazy, and I haven't been receiving johrei or giving it as much. I've since felt a bit more duress, but I'm just riding the waves of being alive, and I still have my focus on surrender.
A friend just helped me pay to learn Transcendental Meditation, so I did it, somewhat on impulse. I feel more relaxed, though am wary that it cost as much as it did. I've been curious about the experience for years so I'm glad I finally got to quell the want, even if I just did the dog from Aesop's fable routine. You know that story? A dog has a bone, looks at the water, sees its reflection, thinks it's another dog with a better bone, dives in to get it and loses its bone and drowns. So be it. Do I sound off my rocker? I guess if I am gonna be addictive, it's better that I do it with 30000000 brands of spirituality rather than say, heroin. Dear Lord. I'm young, hopefully it'll smooth out as time goes by. probably not. but at least I'm accrueing knowledge that's life-affirming, not just senseless cuts and bruises, eh?
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