A letter to my anger
Anger ventilated often hurries towards forgiveness; anger concealed often hardens into revenge.- Sir Henry Bulwer
Date: 10/13/2006 11:58:46 AM ( 15 y ) ... viewed 1474 times
Anger is the most impotent of passions. It effects nothing it goes about, and hurts the one who is possessed by it more than the one against whom it is directed.
Author: Edward Hyde Clarendon
If I were asked at the end of this sabbatical and recuperation the most torturous situation I had to endure, I would say the regurgitation of suppressed emotional issues. One of which is latent anger, barrels of it.
I am angry. I am very angry. I am searingly angry. At my parents. For scarring me physically, emotionally and mentally from a young age. For the sadistic manic attacks that knew no bounds. For never saying a word of sorry for their unruly actions. For hurting me and set me on my path of vindictive vengeanceful heart and self-destructive ways. For claiming that they have scant recollections of this period. For causing me my sickness. For not supporting me during my recovery fasting programme. For persisting in their foolish ignorant ways. For treating me as if I was invisible.
Be silent and think. About your perspective. Their perspectives and God's perspectives.
You were very unfavourably treated as a child and you grew up with a lot of pent-up misery that you covered up with work or a happy facade. You can run away, but you cannot hide--because the hurt was so deep it left many bleeding gashes in your soul. Unresolved bitterness is poison to nobody else but yourself.
You want justice to be meted out. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, you want to exact the same pain afflicted on you right back on them--because you feel they deserve it. They have not been held accountable for their actions. What frustrates even more is that they are not willing to deal with past issues, because they were history and possibly insignificant to your current situation. What hurts you is that they never encourage or cheer you on to get better; aloof and distant, they have remained.
God's plan is not your plan. God's thoughts are not your thoughts. God's justice is his to decide, not you. In a strange way, God already expressed wrath and exacted punishment to them. They have lost the bond of a child for more than 10yrs. They know nothing about their own child, because you have been estranged from them. You have grown up so well in spite of all the troubles and very highly-respected by many in society. They watch you helplessly in ailing health. While it involves a suffering in your flesh-- your spirit has been protected ever since you let the Lord walk through the door of your heart--this punishment is effected with greater intensity and duration on those who have transgressed.
They are suffering in silence from your visible pain. They are at a loss of words and actions. They know not who to turn to and who to pray to. They are ignorant and unsaved. They subliminate their energies deeper into meaningless activties because this is the best way of escape, a temporary balm. But their upset will overflow in time and when the right moment comes, they will have to confront their painful realities of themselves, their family and others they are associated with in their lives. They will have to face God and repent for their sins. They do not know, my dear gal, how lost they are right now.
Gentle words of advice
Don't share a table with vengeance, because you know you are not capable of hurting others--it is not in your nature. In a twisted way, you already sought revenge. You vowed to prove an intelligence beyond expectations and shoot for the stars--and you have achieved it. The one who benefits is only you.
Dissolve the grudge you have against them. Understand that no matter how much justice you want they to be convicted of, it is a superficial panacea that does not heal the wounds of the soul; no punishment you want for them will ever satisfy you. You will remain an angry person. And the anger will rot your soul and turn you into an ugly human being.
Forgive, you must. You have spent hours the night before wondering how up-hill a task it is to forgive your oppressors. You claim you cannot but you can, because Jesus Christ died for you on the cross and bore the sins for you. You merely do not want to because you cling onto unjustified anger. You must forgive becuase they are sinful humans and they are not saved, like poor lost sheep.
Under this light, your illness was 1. a punishment to your oppressors 2. a test of your will, obedience and faith 3. build a relationship with God to sort out life in the past and future. Your present circumstance is entirely in God's wise control and your tenacity and trust in the living God. To recover the spirit, God already saved you and is loosening all the knots. See, you are writing this letter right now. To recover the flesh, God promises a re-genesis of an entire you, my dear. You have to surrender to him. Remember, God gave up his only begotten son to save sinners--God is merciful. As you walk through fire, you will feel little pain because God is your shield; if there is anything that subjects assault, God will bear it for you.
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