Blog: Breaking free from chains of my past
by gotcha862003

LOVE and sacrifice

H.G.Dilemma

Date:   10/20/2006 7:44:41 PM   ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1857 times

". . . in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God" (Philippians 4:6).

"Everything" would certainly include the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life. We made more than our share of mistakes through these years of courtship, but we did ask God to guide us in the matter of marriage. The confidence that He did guide us was one of the things that would sustain us when the going got rough.

I am torn between two people and I know whatever decision I make in the next few days, I will lose someone. This is regarding love. The love for a partner versus the deference to my parents.

Background
I= me H=him
I-Asian, H=european
I-20, H-30s
I-single, virgin H-divorced with one son
I-medical student H-travels for work, linguistics graduate
I-reside asia,H-reside Europe


I have had a string of boyfriends before him, but I never truly reciprocated love because all I needed was an emotional figure to fill my void; I merely cared for the previous guys. However, this guy is different. I love him and have grown to love him so deeply over time I do not even want to contemplate life without him.

It is not unusual for conservative Asians to be repulsed by the idea of interracial, age-gap, long-distance relationships--my parents are members of this club. They have asserted violent opposition to my relationship. In addition, they have defiled him and my mother sent him rather wicked messages that I would not like to elaborate. I understand their point of view that being in a long-distance relationship puts me at risk of a poor understanding and resulting partial assessment of an individual. Furthermore, they feel he is too old for me and age stereotypically puts him in the same class with men of lowly principles ie. cheaters, promiscuous, exploiters. Finally, he is professionally not up to par with me; they wish to see me marry only another doctor--incidentally,he must earn a minimal income which bar will be set by me(considering a surgeon's pay is ~$2-400k, that eliminates pretty much 98% of available guys on the international dating field). Their expectations of my partner embodies the following, written in order of importance beginning with the most important: rich, powerful, faithful.

This is hardly an exaggeration. I have grounded Asian values but a cosmopolitan mindset twist. Although I am not seeking to marry right now(because I am mildly marriage-phobic), I am ready to settle in a long-term commitment because the allure of playing the field has dissipated and I have come into myself and konw what I am looking for. While I know I shall never find my Mr Perfect, the guy I pick, should encompass these characteristics: smart, wise, witty, beautiful, funny, annoying,compassionate,good-naturedly, dream-chaser, kisses nice, loves children, worldly and most of all, cherishes me.

Income: as long as he has a decent amount stowed away for himself and the family; I am not obsessed about material-wealth because such stuff are temporal. Furthermore, a rich man operates akin to a bank, every transaction is usually monitored and maintained for his self-interest--no thanks.
Age: I used to think a 10yr gap was too large, but I have relaxed that. If you want a long life, we must not factor in genes per se, but choices we make about our lifestyle. Whoever my lucky guy is, I will be taking care of him. If he passes on before me, I may or may not remarry.
Race: It may come as a surprise but I have grown out of love with Asian men, mainly due to their inherently rigid mentality. In spite of education and exposure, their somewhat unflappable pattern of thinking does not offer excitement and freshness to my past relationships. Idleness is to the human mind like rust to iron, like a weed-overgrown garden upon neglect.
Religion: I do hope he will walk in the same faith as I do.

I spoke to H.G. the evening before about my dilemma. He is aware of how sticky it is for us because of the complexity of the relationship. He does not like to be explicit when doling out reasons for loving someone because love just is. However, he finally gave in.

"I love you for all the reasons a man loves a woman" H.G.
"When was the last time someone lit you up the way I do you now?"
" at university." He didn't want to elaborate.

Appreciate our journey together. He is looking for a meaningful companionship and a woman that makes him skip a beat each time he hears her name or thinks of her. He has pursued me relentlessly from the moment we met, waited for me for more than 21 months now, carefully picked out presents with handwritten poems to top the gifts, stayed faithful/celibate and tried to mend all his flaws to please me. Why is he going to all this trouble for me? Yes, he is a hopeless romantic. Yes, he chanced upon a young damselle. Yes, he is enraptured by everything about me. But this gamut of plausible explanations fade when I hear him profess "I love you, honey" or the like, which can make even the most hardened heart melt. He is deeply in love with me and desires to find a way to make things work.

I asked my friends what his reply meant. One said it was a paltry excuse of avoiding. The other said for "companionship, support, love for the sake of loving--and sex--a very poetic way of saying he loves you SO much". He went on to ask if H.G. wanted to marry me. I eluded the question. But yes, he has asked when we were both sure this was it. It was near christmas of the previous year. I said yes. Because he understands all of my subtleties, strives to make me happy and a universally highly sought-after quality, he adores me--and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

We make choices everyday, some harder than the others. I am not willing to lose either my parents(whom I admit have scant relationship with me) or H.G.(who completes me) but I shall bear the consequence of the choice I make.

If you asked me would I regret risking asundering my family by choosing H.G. now and we failed later, my answer is a firm no. I have not a grain of regret since we met.

If you asked me to choose, I would choose H.G. not because I want to be defiant to my parents, but because I want to live "my" life for me now and quit living out what they want of me.

H.G. Dilemma answer received

I was invited to my aunt's friend's church, Lighthouse, at Woodlands. It had a modern touch, reminded me largely of City Harvest. There were also brass and percussion sections, a substantially smaller choir and additional features of a German grandpiano and ballet dancers. The atmostphere resounded with an indecision between austerity and flamboyance. What set lighthouse apart, however, was its dedication to be a healing centre for Christians--very noble purpose to pursue.

I came to church with two burning issues in my heart. Both received attention and answering.Firstly, I was concerned about my eczema's recovery. A few trained gospel healers came forward and cried for God to enter and vanquish the disease. I felt loosening in my gut and a slight improvement generally.The normally cold-sensitive skin was not reacting undesirably as predicted. Secondly, I hoped to get an answer to my dilemma that had gave me fitful sleep the night before. During the sermon, as if a voice that seemed louder and more prominent that the rest, a pastor's "nothing is impossible" words was my answer. Just before I attended, I asked H.G. if he belived in us, that if 2 people truly wanted each other, would it can come true or was that just a fairy tale? After returning I shared with him my reservation. He replied he was not looking for anyone else; he had me and wanted me only.

The message for the evening made me very uncomfortable. It was about a mother's love, which originates from Christ. The message expounded about maternal deeds and sacrifices. Although I accepted the message with grace, I was wrestling inside my heart because my mother had treated me so vile the day before, and the last ten years have been anything but hellish for me. I was disappointed at myself though, becuase I realized my heart was still obstructed regarding this matter. Due to the severity of the emotional abuse effected on me by my parents, I needed more time and prayer to forgive.

In addition, I believed that it was my sinful flesh that wanted to find a physical figure to be held culpable for my misfortunes--I did not want to accept the fact that all the negative events in my life or the people around me are the works of Satan.

H.G. Response

2 responses:

1. Reaffirmation of love

Peppered with many endearing lovers' words, I made doubtless confessions to him and he rang me to make equally heart-rendering statements.

You stir me inside
you give me butterflies
you give me a fairy tale
you are all I want and all I ask for
There may be men better than you
who ask for my hand
but you are enough for me
I am satisfied--very happy.
I adore
I cherish
I treasure
I pray for
I hope to make you a better person
and a happier person
and take care of you
and try my best not to burn your kitchen down
or cause you indigestion(joke about how lousy a cook I am)
You live in me.
Every fiber of my being
Every thought of every new day
Every dream I want to pursue
You are my number 1
No guy will take your place
No resistance will make me falter
That is how much I love you
That is why a woman loves a man

He almost cried. A very sentimental guy with a front. He is an absolute prince.

I LOVE YOU
I am your man
you make me so happy
even when we are miles away
please come soon(i'm visiting him in autumn)
come to me darling
I love you so much
I love uuuuuuuuuuu
seni cok seviyorum
deli gibi seviyorum

Now I understand what he meant by "I love you the way a man loves a woman".




2. Frustration

In between flirtations and humoured teasings, more serious issues of the future of our relationship came to the fore. This is the first time he initiated the topic. His ardent desire to have me close to him drove him to make an impetuous request. He said that I could get a better medical education in English in his ccountry if my parents supported me and I could be with him if I really loved him. Essentially, he was pleading with me to abandon all that I have done here and relations here and take off--to prove my love true. I was offended but I knew he needed and wanted to care for me. My explanations of this impossibility drove him temporarily up the wall and he blasted at me, handing me his resignation from this relationship. He realized after a minute his foolishness and lack of sensitivity and apologised.

This activated a warning siren in us. The lack of intimacy is the major reason why long-distance relationships are oft-inevitable failures. The hardest part is that he loves me to the extent sharing a bed with another female out of sheer lust is out of the question.

This issue opened a grave evaluation of our individual impetus to be a couple against all obstacles. After receiving God's reply to my dilemma, I confess that I confirmed that I wanted him badly enough to make it work--even though I did not know how. The way we fell in love was so surreal, it was not God's practical joke but a playing of his serendipity card. And I have loved him everyday from the moment we first kissed.Nobody can disguise the conviction I have for him because when I talk about him, I cannot help it but break into a smile. However, I was aware of how complex this relationship is. It requires tenacity and patience to work. Yet it does not guarantee anyhing. So if he felt it too difficult, I would not force him. But I loved him and always will.

His stance was to "give a chance to love". He believed a union can come true and he would work for that. He knows how deep my love goes. He is also aware that medicine is the my number 1 dream is to be a surgeon because I was endowed the gift of healing and I had to use it well.

Although a solidification of positions were made, this argured more questions for the future, because what holds for us is unknown. Sometimes, it is enervating to coordinate schedules to allow sufficient time for us to be physically together; simply exasperating to miss the touch of the cherished other; upsetting to watch the puppy love of couples on dates and wistfully longing to share similar experiences with the significant other. A swelled-up longing that comes from a source called love. All we know is we want to be one--clueless about the path to that destination.

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