Blog: Releasing Secrets and Shame
by #53299

Things are Progressing at Breakneck Speed

Confusion and chaos reign supreme in my quest for changing the way I fundamentally live my life.

Date:   7/2/2007 3:24:36 PM   ( 14 y ) ... viewed 2160 times

Holy cow! I'm not prepared for how fast things seem to be shaping up. It feels like I'm being swept up in a wave that I can't control. I'm trying to stay excited vs. overwhelmed.

Even though I have only just joined Toastmasters and haven't even set a date for doing my first 'Ice Breaker' speech yet, I have already been approached by a Chiropractor's Clinic to do a small seminar for their clients in the upcoming weeks. YIKES! Talk about the Universe giving you what you ask for - make that double YIKES!!! I have been fantasizing for years about getting up in front of an audience and speaking on various health topics. But the Universe didn't take me seriously because I allowed mountains of self-doubt, shyness and crippling self-consciousness/shame hold me back. But after I set the intention of unravelling all of these shackles, my first concrete action step was to join a Toastmasters group so I could learn how to finally get comfortable in my own skin by getting up in front of a crowd to speak. At the time, it seemed like a small gesture but perhaps I underestimated the power of that first step.

These last few years I have been immobilized with fear causing a total inability for me to move forward in my life. I have been so frustrated and have experienced incredible emotional turmoil and pain as a result. Just recently I came across a book, written by a local healer, in a health food store I happened to be shopping in. This book seemed to beckon to me. I was attracted by its title (GO FORWARD) and the picture of its author. I opened it randomly and of course landed on a pertinent paragraph that seemed written just for me. It turns out this book had many, many important messages for me. But the bigger picture is that I seem to have a legion of invisible helpers guiding me during these confusing times. I feel their presence acutely and am so grateful not to be alone.

I have been suffering from a gum infection for about a week now. I have a chronic condition happening in my mouth which has been ongoing for almost 20 years. I have already lost three perfect teeth with many more loose ones. At one point I had a moment of self-awareness about this situation. It suddenly occurred to me that, on a metaphysical level, my gum/teeth issues stemmed from an inability (or should I say refusal) to 'sink my teeth into my own life'. So this situation literally manifested in my life, ie. how can I sink my teeth into anything if they have become so loose?

Anyhow, because everything is happening so fast, I wonder if that is why I suddenly came down with another gum infection. Maybe this is my ego's way of trying to hang on to the status quo to try to keep me from moving forward.

Then yesterday, all of a sudden, I had clarity on a relationship that has been one of the most painful friendships I have ever had. Suddenly I was able to see things from her perspective and this lessened my pain substantially. The only downside is that this sudden awareness made me feel ashamed and embarrassed at my behaviour during the course of our friendship.

Yesterday I had a really great idea for my budding business and was excited to share it. My husband, being the quintessential naysayer, found two ridiculous reasons why he thought it was not such a great idea. I got really mad, accusing him of always taking the wind out of my sails. Then I realized that I will keep attracting this kind of criticism and negativity as long as I continue to seek other people's approval. I just have to put my best food forward and realize the only person's opinion that really counts for anything is my own - period! I can still bounce my ideas off others but I don't need to take what other people say so personally nor am I obliged to yield to their advice or opinions.

Anyhow, I am just venting here. I am currently living somewhat out of my comfort zone. My husband's business is collapsing and I feel like I am really being pushed to finally step out of the shadows. I know it's time to let go of all this emotional baggage. I so want to but then it means I will have to re-define myself and that is scary. My crutches have definitely served me well - probably kept me alive. It's so hard to kill off aspects of oneself so that other aspects may be born. It really is a labour of love, just like childbirth. Wah - this labour is taking soooooo long. Does anybody know how to hurry up the process?

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Comments (16 of 16):
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