Self-Awareness is Painful...Ouch!! by #53299 .....

Why does growth have to be so darn difficult? Part of me wants the status quo because it's easier but the other part wants to challenge and change my self-limiting beliefs.

Date:   7/11/2007 4:44:45 PM ( 14 y ago)

I have been lamenting for so long how no one takes me seriously. Who am I kidding? This is a reflection of how I have been feeling about myself so of course, who else could I possibly attract into my life but those kind of people? Duh!!!

I can't run and I can't hide anymore. Wah!

I grew up with severe criticism. I could never do anything right or get anything right. But maybe I chose my birth family to learn that ultimately the only opinion about me that really counts is my own. I am learning, albeit slowly, that I need to be my own best friend and supporter and can't look for this kind of validation outside of myself (not if I ever hope to live a happy, fulfilling life). This is an excruciatingly painful lesson. I am loathe to take responsibility for the color of my life - it is so much easier to blame this person or that circumstance when things aren't right. It's an automatic knee-jerk reaction for me to lash out at someone who has hurt my feelings because then I don't need to examine what they are reflecting back to me.

Relationships are the best mirrors, aren't they? Case in point - my husband never bothers to think before he speaks. He just blurts out whatever comes into his head. I always think twice before I speak - not necessarily a good thing either. Today, he was telling my sister about the gentleman he and I went to see yesterday. It was a business call to demonstrate a health product. We wound up spending over an hour talking with him about all kinds of health-related topics. He was a powerhouse of knowledge. My husband was telling my sister about how knowledgeable he was and how he knew way more about health than I did.

The good news is that I became very reactive, ie. insulted and pissed off, but at least I expressed my feelings immediately instead of stewing about it in silence like I used to. The even better news is that I realized on the spot that my reaction was a direct reflection of my feelings of inadequacy begging to be resolved, once and for all.

I had all kinds of learning difficulties growing up which led to my parents having very low expectations of me, academically and otherwise. I was mercilessly compared to my brainy brother. Unfortunately, I adopted these low expectations for myself (again, that was a choice I made at some level). The issue here is not whether or not the man knew more about health than I did. My husband was judging me and as always, I felt criticized, inadequate and became quite defensive. Throughout my 25 year marriage, I have been the one encouraging and supporting him which I feel played a huge role in his business success. On the other hand, he was always quick to find fault with me, never feeling a need to praise me when I succeeded at anything. This has always taken the wind out of my sails and I have allowed myself to feel defeated before I even start anything new. No wonder my kids asked me why I always act so helpless!

I have been a stay-at-home Mom for 20+ years. The kids are more or less grown up now, the youngest soon to turn 17. I have been in a huge crisis because my whole identity was tied up in the 'mother' role. Now what? I have been hiding myself, buried under crippling feelings of inadequacy, shame and self-consciousness.

The Universe has plans for me and I will either resist, suffer and continue to live my life in quiet desperation or follow where I am clearly being led to go, scary as that might be. I have run out of excuses. Now that I am finally starting to recognize that I really do have gifts and talents that I am being asked to share with the world, what am I supposed to do with those people around me who I have trained to treat me in a way that no longer serves me? I guess I will have to retrain them, that's all.

Onward and upward...


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