I don't think it is a matter of blaming yourself or women, really. When dealing with women or anyone else in life, if they like what you do they will respond positively. If they don't, they will respond negatively or give you no response. If they do the latter, they are most likely someone you do not need to be around. I am not so much offended by what you wrote, as I was trying to help; That's all.
Gaining Confidence With The Opposite Sex
"What I am saying to you I am saying because I have had the experience of being a "nice person victim", and the quality of my life and the lives of people around me suffered. I sighed and stayed in unhappy situations a long long time"
Me, too, just got out of 5 years of doing that. In relationships like that, things never change until you get out. You drive all your friends and family nuts because they can't understand why you would give and give to someone who only takes.
One thing the poster also does is make generalizations, that all men cannot figure out what women want and what makes them happy. At the same time he blames himself only.
Bless your heart.... You have touched my heart. I can't find your initial post, so I will respond here. Yes, go back to your first love. Maybe that's what you were supposed to do in the first place.
Reading this post, I thought I was reading about myself, but I get the impression you are younger than I am?
First of all, love IS the most important thing in the world, in everything you do. The problem with those of us that live with our hearts on our sleeve is that we don't pay too much attention to material things, like money.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You are healthy. This is the most important factor. You can regain your wealth.
" I guess I'm going to have to care about all those material things now. Put some love into that side of it also "
Well said. I need to learn that lesson too.
"Perhaps now that my health is back I can put all that behind me and go back to the love I knew in my youth before the war and being sick. This time I'll be able to see whether they're in it for love or the material things."
That is the right track to be on. You are not getting any younger..get out of your toxic relationship.
Love is a game. We may not like it, but such is life. Some get lucky and find each other with no problem and fall madly in love in one day and live happily ever after.
For most of us..you have to show a little interest, but then when you have their attention, you have to act like you can take it or leave it. It's not easy, it's a fine line, you show too little interest and they don't pursue anything..you show too much and it can turn them off and drive them away. Overall, know that people like confident people. If you approach new love interests and disclose all your woes and shortcomings, it will almost certainly end in failure. Live in the present.
"The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it." - Michaelangelo
Recently, I learned some things from Patti Novak http://www.aetv.com/confessions-of-a-matchmaker/confessions_pattis_tips.jsp. She's brilliant!
"I've never had a problem playing the game. When I was single I never got into that crying on your shoulder crap."
I wouldn't date the same girl more than twice a month. No sex or intimacy at all. Had about 6 girls I rotated though. Sounds bad doesn't it. But I like the finer restuarants in town and like going places and doing things. And I enjoy friendly female companionship. So I didn't go too far with any of them. No sex."
Your sentences seem like a total oxymoron to me. It doesn't sound like playing the game at all. It sounds like avoidance behavior. I am going to be very honest with you, I think you could use a good Psychologist. I am not at all convinced you can get and maintain a normal healthy love relationship with a woman on your own without professional help. If you try, you may end up upset with women again.
If you do get a chance, watch Confessions of a Matchmaker. She can be brutal, but she gets results. And, go to her site and read her tips. She really knows her stuff
Avoidance behavior : behavior that postpones an aversive event thereby escaping from the conditioned aversive stimuli; conditioned aversive stimulus is all the stimuli before the aversive stimulus presented minus the stimuli associated with the avoidance response; a form of escape behavior.
Avoidance behavior can develop when someone begins to be afraid of doing something so they avoid it.
The terms avoidance behavior are also loosely used to describe the act of knowing you should be doing something and you're not, because you're avoiding it.
" Why be intimate with someone when you know its not there in the first place."
That does not describe any man I've ever known.
"she has become very interested in me. Very loving, very open and caring and productive. You know, normal. She's even having fun at it too. Its wonderful to see."
Yes, Alikat, we are on the same page and I, like you, am trying to help the best I can. Sometimes the reality is not always easy to take, or to write. I don't have much problem with him seeing if his lost love is available and interested. The problem I have is I don't think he has the skills to "get the girl" and he probably doesn't even know where to begin. That is why I recommended the Joe Land CD Gaining Confidence with the Opposite Sex; Patti Novak Confessions of a Matchmaker tips on her website and watching her show; the Dr. Phil Books Self Matters and Life Strategies and Ellen Kreidman's relationship programs. Beyond that, I would recommend Tony Robbins, many of his programs are good.
There's fear, and then there is fear itself. I am not equipped to help him with the latter beyond recommending good programs and/or a Psychologist.