*hugs* I'm sorry that you're hurting. I've been married for 27 years. I've known my husband for 34 years. These are the things that I've learned:

1. Your marriage can Change. You can make your marriage what you want it to be (If both partners that have no addictions, substance abuse, reasonable mental health, etc.)
2. Prayer changes things. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your path.

When we were first married, hubby had a collection of playboys. I was so insulted by this, I felt cheated, abandoned, degraded, etc. I didn't think I'd ever overcome his posession of them, even though whenever he was accessing these materials was a mystery to me. We were always together and had (still have) a healthy sex life.

I think the key issue here is the quality of your relationship with your husband in general. Are you best friends? Does he make you laugh? Do you enjoy your time alone with him? If these factors are present, then overcoming sexual issues can be accomplished with relationship work, counselling, etc. If these factors are not present, then it seems to me that you've got more important issues on which to focus your energies.

I was ready to leave my husband once. I moved in with my sister for a couple of months. I was drenched in self-pity, feeling like the relationship was all give & no take. I wanted deep emotional support, romance, the sense of connected-ness that we had lost. I went through years of feeling like nothing would ever change.

But then I realized, my problems were not his problems. My emotional needs, my wounds were my responsibility to work through, instead of relying on him to heal me, or make me feel better. I prayed. I did some deep thinking about why I felt so unfulfilled, then I worked on learning to appreciated my husband for who he is. I also realized that NOTHING is greener on the other side of the fence.

I came to understand that many men are literally burdened with sexual thoughts. Their interest in looking at girly pictures is nearly a reflex, not even a conscious decision. I'm not making excuses, I'm just stating that in this culture, it's pervasive and they've been raised to believe that there's nothing wrong with it. 'Harmless' is the typical phrase.

Now that so many years have passed, I see my husband's sexual thoughts and sexual intimacy as two entirely different things. His interest in a pretty girl on the street or his favorite actress has nothing to do with his sexual feeling for me, his desire of me, his appreciation of our sexual intimacy. He's a man, he has sexual thoughts, I'm a woman, I have sexual thoughts. What we bring to each other in the bedroom is more than sexual release. I no longer relate his interest in pretty women's pictures to me at all. I am his jewel, his prize, his treasure. He chose me, the most perfect bikini babe could never compete. It's not about bodies anymore.

How did we survive 27 years? It relies on both people always placing each other's needs first, continually.

I hope you find the answers that you need. I will pray for you and your family.

I've been married almost 25 years, it's been a rollercoaster most of the time, but I sure have learned a lot!

It's never only one persons fault.
There's only one person you can change.....yourself.
You must be willing to change.

Marriage is hard, on both people. You both must work on this together. He must be willing to do something for you, and you must be willing to do something for him. You must get passed your feelings of betrayal of the pictures....I can tell you that because that's what I'm doing. Talk to your husband and see what's the reason why he 'looks'. My husband did when he was depressed, when he was angry with himself. So then I would try to pick him up, make him feel better. Work with him, and hopefully he'll work with you. When it comes to making love, take turns pleasing each other. Surprise him with a night alone. Sex can be very wonderful, even when there are problems, even being overweight.

You can get passed this! Work on this together.

Mother

Please forgive all of these other offs who would judge against and blame YOU, in this broken Hearted senerio...I find Your FEELNGS here to be correct and moral and You sound like a woman who has cracker jack perceptions and a Beautiful Loveing Heart....How well i know the "kind, cold and detatched, passive agressive, husband

I suggest that You get Your hands on a set of "right use of will" books


http://www.rightuseofwill.com


pretty soon You will be so involved with this emotional healing process that You wont care at all what this phony so called, "christian" is doing.

If I caught MY Husband peeking at p 0 r n, even soft core p 0 r n, ...i would start seeing it as a beginning of an end....and i would grieve for years and years...but if Your HUSBAND has little sexual intrest in You....that is deadly Mother...and can easly kill You...that is till a savior walks into Your life

Let Me know Mother

I can help

Oh yeah, and go ahead and drop a few...its easy and fun...You know it is....that way You will have as much power as You can muster around You when You attempt to heal this....if "heal" is indeed what You have intent to do.....Loveing and CORRECTOMUNDO as You appear to be...I will wager that "Healing" IS, Your intent

Love and ONLY Love

Grand Mother

I can not, for the life of me, understand how this topic developed into such a "My-view-is-the-Right-One-and-yours-is-wrong" discussion. This is a fact: excellent sex is the by-product of a healthy, honest, trusting, encouraging, supportive, and SAFE relationship. If a woman (OR, MAN) is caused to feel that they Must Perform Out of Duty, something is missing. Intimacy - true intimacy - is the prelude to the type of sexual experience that cannot be reproduced via pornography - it evolves into something that is a mind/body/spiritual experience. And, such experiences make for a healthy, SAFE relationship. The original poster has indicated that she doesn't feel safe, secure, beloved, alluring, respected, or that she can TRUST. Red lights! Warning flags! It's NOT about HER - it's about THEM as a UNIT. Ali, Torrie, silkgirl...you have all hit the proverbial nail on the head and it would behoove the original poster to realize that it's about THEM, not HER, and not HIM. Unless there is domestic violence/abuse going on, it's a failure in the PARTNERSHIP, not either individual.

As I have posted on numerous occasions, a person can experience a sexual release with anyone or anything. And, to the poster who believes that he RETAINS SEMEN in his testicles for months might benefit from an anatomy & physiology course - semen is constantly being replenished, is not stored, and doesn't go stale: it is released through urine, during sleep, in the shower, etc. I knew a woman who's husband would demand (DEMAND) that she attend to his sexual needs on a nightly basis because he complained that his "...balls were heavy..." with semen and that he was uncomfortable in pain - she dutifully would submit to his nightly demands and she felt like a stinking dairy cow by the time she left - the realization that he didn't know his OWN body and had used such a tactic for HIS beneifit altered her view of her own sexuality for years. This whole sexual responsibility thing comes into play: who is responsible for their own sexual activity? The partner? The individual? This isn't rocket science: we are, each and every one of us, responsible for our own behaviors, choices, and consequences and cannot blame our current condition on anyone else BUT our Selves.

If I know that I'm remaining in an abusive relationship for the foolish excuse of "maintaining security," I have ceased being an unwilling particpant and stepped into the role of being a Willing Victim to Abuse because I am CHOOSING to remain, even though I am aware of my victim status. If I choose to have sex with another individual who is not my avowed partner, it is NOT because my partner falls short (!)- it is because I am choosing one thing over another: gratification for ME over emotional intimacy.

It's not the sex that is at issue, here. It is the issues of trust, encouragement, support, communication, self-esteem, and a host of other core issues that are manifesting themselves through sex. Sex is the SYMPTOM, not the core issue(s). Again, I would strongly urge seeking counseling, either individual or joint, to determine what the core issues are, and begin working on them before divorce becomes the only alternative and the baggage full of issues will be carried to the next encounter/relationship.

Best wishes.

You don't need a divorce. You need to study with hubby Willard Harley's, HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS. He lists the 5 top need of each partner gathered from data of 30,000 couples counseled for marriage problems.

White Shark probably gave the closest answer. You want affection he wants sex. That's normal. Affection is a woman's #1 need, sexual fulfillment a man's #1 need. You're emotionally stimulated, he's visually stimulated. A selfish pity-party is not the answer. Men are visually stimulated, they all look! Good luck finding one who doesn't.

A good marriage is about meeting needs. Love is an action verb not a noun. Love puts the object of affection's needs above one's own. If either of you love your children more than yourself, fix the envirnment they live in, instead of destroying it.

I had a bad marriage myself, for 3 and a half years after our son was born he never touched me, it's one of the hardest things I have ever been trough, he never gave me a real explanation nor do I need it now, that was more than 10 years ago. It was not my fault, and no matter what I did or said, never nagged , he just look angry at me, never did anything to make him hate me. The emotional process I had to go trough after I finally left him was long and hard work. Years later I meet a great guy and had a really good sexual relationship with him for years, we had great chemestry and loved each other a lot. I have been in both sides, rejected and rejecter, I can say I know a lot about men when it comes to sex, and it does not offend me in any way for him to look at porn, I would even sat down and read to him, and showed him pics while we sat comfortably on the couch, 5 minutes later he would forgot about the magazine then I would take advantage of the situation, and you know what I mean.
I agree with the guys on this one, sorry girls, sex is important, to both sexes, not just them, had I found my boyfriend or husband looking at naked girls on the net, I would simply pull my skirt up and sat on his lap right there and then.
On the other hand, guys, not trying to be mean or anything, but are you idiots?
by reading all your messages, you just confirmed what I have been saying the last 2 years, guys find a gal they have great chemestry with and get along in and out of bed, but then go and find someone nothing like that and marry her, then go on and spend the next years of your life complaining about how she does not want you in bed, and cheating on ther, or trying to with the gal you did get along with in the first place.
If sex is so important to guys, why in the world you marry one who does not enjoy you in bed? I for one could not marry someone I don't get along with in bed, been there done that, and got out of it really fast, comparing to some of you ,,,I only stayed with him for 4 years......I know when to quit.
Yes I know you are going to say, but LOVE blah blah blah,,,,,,yes love is very important, but like Doctor Phil says, when sex is ok, is 10% important, when is not, is 90% important. I loved my exhusband a lot, more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, but that matter nothing to him, and no I did not just leave him because he did not want to have sex with me, but because he treated me like crap and ignore me completely too. I did not matter how much I loved him, he did not love me back, that not real love, it's only real when you are loved too, and when that happens you can not ignore each other needs and wants.

Now my advice to you 40649, get some counseling, if he does not want to go, go by your self, learn more about sex, read a learn about it, learn what he wants and what you want, to those who say, you don't want to be burden with pleasuring him all his life, well, then don't marry, that is part of what marriage is about, sex, not just love, and don't wait for your partner to make a move.
Your weight has really not much to do here, we women have a bad selfimage of ourselves, remember their brain don't work well while they are aroused, so it unlikely he is looking for celulite while you are doing a streap tease for him LOL
Good luck and open your mind about sex , onto closed doors sex partners can plase themselves any way the feel as long as the both agree.

The more a person feels like they cant do something, whatever it is ,the more they will want to.That's human nature!
Christian or not all men and most woman look at p 0 r n.And christians are taught that it's not right....hence my first sentence.
If a man says "i look at p 0 r n because you dont do it for me" is full of it!It's just usually what they will say to shut you up.It's really about them and their issue.JUst like cheating!
Id say if you left this person because he looks at p 0 r n,id say your in for a rude awakening if you think you'd ever find a man that didnt like it.It's reality.