i got it..i have been doing it for SOOO LONG..i didn't even notice I was doing it!
these mini drunken rampages really do clear my head and bring me back down to earth..
I am a natural thinker..more like obsesser,worrier,detective type..i tend to try to think things out before doing it or even trying to attempt it..if i see failure or become anxious in anyways,i won't do it...i even try to think out how i am going to 'feel'..it's like i am replacing actual reality with fantasy ,imagery/inorganic vs reality/organic. the things i wanted most in my mind in reality never turned out as expected because there were the little things in reality i forgot to think about or reconise in my fantasies..things i did not expect but existed,though without being conscious of them in the first place,it didn't fit into my little plans..
bare with me but here are some examples to peek into how my mind works and how it pertains to love and sex..
there have been a list of things in my life that have always been this way..i build things up in my mind,expect things to be a certain way and the opposite happens or things come up that i don't expect to and either just give up on them.I think the thing i learned that is the most important is that i can dream,it's okay..but now,when it becomes a reality,i MUST deal with the little things i didn't expect rather then just giving up on it if i really want it.Also i have to decide if it's worth it or not to work through the problems.
i meet someone,i expect things to be a certain way ,them a certain way and i idealize the crap out of situations,failing to see reality for what it is and also their little quirks or things i notice i don't like or fit into my nice neat storyline in my head.Once reality shines it's ugly head and i realize..woah,this is NOT whom i expected nor thought they are/imagined,i loose all interest in the person and become discouraged when i should be in fact be grateful that i know the actual person and whom they are ..in reality,organically and whom they REALLY are,not just these little characters in my head that i give personalities to.Getting to know someone means getting to know them,who they are,what they are like and if there is chemistry,physically,mentally and emotionally..not me sitting here and judging them in my own mind,god knows projecting all of my imperfections and idealizations on to them and going by that..that's insane,and so am i lol.I think i go into things like this thinking and expecting WAY too much too soon,only to be disappointed because it's not based on reality but an idealization.
i have been idealizing sex,love,relationships,people and my identity for so long that when i come in contact with the actualizations of them,including and hurdles..things that don't fit nicely into my little plans..it never works out and i run for the hills lol.i have been trying to replace reality..with fantasy and it's been depressing me..alot actually and i never even knew it or how lonely and in actual love,communication with another person i really needed.It's stilted my behavior and communications in 'real time',my sub-communications are all screwed up,my social compass is way off and i have become 'out of sync' with everyone else,against the flow sort of deal and it makes me stand out in a bad way...like a freak or a weirdo lol.
There have been the little things that i do find attractive that i never thought were attractive before,a way a girl walks,sits,speaks,their little facial expressions ,how they cool off their coffee and stirring it with those tiny coffee straws,the way their hair dangles after tying it up,their natural scent when perspiring (they all actually smell like sweet flowers to me i kid you not!) their different emotional energies and the feelings they conjure up inside of me,the way they excite me and make me feel when they give me 'special attention' not verbally communicated but i can 'feel it'..all these little things i never found attractive until i was exposed to it all so much so quickly.The thing is,i knew they were attractive..but at the time, i never understood why or could explain it to myself..it just..was like, a sub-conscious thing.Superficial things like clothes,hair,make up and even tits and ass..the obvious things they try to show off,they became 'normal' and i appreciate them but it's the little things they don't even know they are doing that get under my skin and stay there and make me feel a certain way...i like them more so then before and become attracted to them through those terms much more so then anything they can say or do on a conscious level. i became conflicted before because i thought i should be attracted to someone solely based on looks and first impressions and how they made me feel emotionally sexual attraction or arousal...but in the long run,the ones that had the most lasting impressions are the ones that i was exposed to the most,seen and felt their energy and i either liked them or i didn't like them,that has always been a stronger indicator of how much i liked or disliked someone and if we could get along.
It's so strange how the mind works,i thought it was all cut and dry- i thought i figured it all out but i have so much more to learn..not sure how or why all of this stuff came to the surface but it just did ..these drunken rampages clears up my mind so much, i wake up in the morning and it's like i have all the answers i have been searching for but never knew it was right in front of my face the entire time...