The scale is the devil. I swear it.
Okay, so this is basically just one of those "vents" for my sake of sanity.
After i had my kids, was around 190lbs. Now...im just barely 21. My bday is next monday. I was never heavy before my pregnancies, so i was rather depressed during, and after.
Im down to the 130s...the higher end of the 130's i should say. I managed to make it to 134 on my first fast, but now im hovering around 137-139, varies from day to day. My goal was 120-125 by next week (the 2nd), which, i highly doubt i could lose that much in 9 days. At this point, id jump up and down if i could at least see 129...hey, they only about 9-10lbs, so not completely impossible, right? :]
I just have a HORRIBLE self image. Everytime i walk by that mirror, or put on clothes, i still look and FEEL like im 190lbs. When ppl look at me in the store and what not, i still FEEL like they are looking at me thinking im fat. But i dont honestly think that could be the case. My BMI is in normal range now, where as before it was in the OBESE range. My weight is normal for my height and age. But, agggg, i just dont FEEL like i LOOK like i should.
My husband says i look good how i am. But of course i dont believe him, hes my husband lol he'll tell me anything to make me happy. I argue up and down with him about it. Then he says i dont have much more to lose. I argue about that and respond "are u KIDDING me! im a whale!!" He pointed out to me that a lot of what i have on my hips, arms, and belly is excess skin from losing so much and not actual fat. But all in all, it still looks and feels utterly disgusting.
I also broke my fast about an hour ago. I had this horrible HORRIBLE (i still do) pain in my head. It feels NOTHING like a headache. It is an actual pain. Like someone is pinching my brain and not letting go. Or holding a knife in it. It worried me. A lot. So i thought it was a sign i needed something. I didnt pig out. I had prolly a max of 200 calories. So....if this pain is gone tomorrow, i shall try, try again.
I just wish i could accept myself for how i am at this moment, instead of putting myself down, and trash talking myself for every little thing.
anyone else do this? Or anyone know how to overcome it?