"I think I'm just so angry at God for the way my life has panned out....I feel abandoned. I have tried to be a good person, but I feel that I am being punished for some unknown reason and/or continually tested, but with no end result or "reward" at the end. There are so many people who skate thru life, but for me, it has been one crisis after the next (if not several crises all at once!). Not trying to pity myself, but it gets overwhelming."
Churches have religion. God and religion are not the same thing. You and everyone else on the Planet are an eternal spirit. You and I and everyone else are therefore spiritual right now. God doesn't punish, never has and never will. We each create everything that has ever happened to us. Until you can accept that and face your own personal creations you will go on creating things you don't like. The only "reward" there is, is the one that you allow yourself to receive. In fact, your "ills" may really be rewards. That's what I learned about my life.
Like you, I hated God for the abuse that I received in childhood - physical, spiritual, and sexual. I wandered for a long time before re-discovering that I am spirit and that I am the one who directs my reality. I learned also that my abuse in childhood were simply learning experiences and now thank my abusers for allowing me to discover my own way without having to follow the sick direction they wanted me to travel.
The love that is within you far exceeds anything you will ever find outside of yourself. Your life has a specific purpose for you and and only you and no one else can tell you what your purpose is. All of your answers for what you are facing are inside of yourself. That's where you can solve them. Try thanking God for what you have been given. In the words of Mother Teresa: "God never gives you more than you can handle. I just wish that He wouldn't trust me so much."
"Thanks for that great MT quote. We had a expression at my training program after grad school. "Great, another @#$*% growth experience." LOL"
Thank you for your response. Am still learning that EVERY little thing that happens to me (and everyone else) is a learning experience provided by the All That Is. I try to count my blessings for all of them - including my hitting another car (a beautiful, spotless, late model Cadillac) while parking at my apartment complex a couple of days ago. The owner was one of the most beautiful entities that I have ever met, not one unkind word nor anger of any kind. I have had difficulty trusting people in my lifetime and that was just one way that God revealed to me that I've been much too harsh on others.
There is learning and beauty in every life experience including ills such as cancer.
Edited to insert a proper Esalen link.
It didn't happen overnight, and am still learning on that level. One never stops learning. Have been practicing meditation for many years - a type that recognizes my spiritual energy system - which everyone has, the chakras and energy channels. When I mention meditation I know that there are loads of them out there and in my experience have avoided anything that tells me what to do (seers, spiritual advisors, etc.) but will work with spiritual healers who assist me in getting in touch with my own answers. I also avoid gurus (Gandhi was a Hindu and his religion told him to find a guru - but he never found one he was comfortable with - me neither) or other "teachers" who wish to control your life. Also there is no such thing as an ascended master - in other words, have stuck to a direction that teaches a loving God, or an All That Is and finding my answers within. This world is God's creation - everyone and everything within it. Don't forget that you too are God's creation and each one finds their own direction in that regard.
I can't live without spiritual grounding (the connection from your first chakra to the center of the Planet) and focus on it most of the time. The other essential thing for me is to live in the present moment. I can't trash myself for the past (though have certainly done that - a lot but found it to be futile) nor create a perfect unattainable world for the future. Everything happens now. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That's why they call it the present." Eleanor Roosevelt.
One of the most amazing persons that I've ever met is Edith Eva Eger. Took a three day workshop from her at Esalen about twenty years ago. She didn't even know she was Jewish until they were taking her away to Auschwitz where her mother was thrown into an oven shortly after her arrival. Could go into many of her experiences that would kill most anyone else, but in the end she forgave the Nazi soldier who broke her back with a rifle but for stealing bread ("...he was supposed to have killed me") and also forgave Hitler for what she experienced as well.
Don't know where you live or what your interests are but there are many retreats, workshops, and spas around the USA. You most likely won't fall in love with the first one you visit but all of them are both a spiritual and emotional healing. I loved Esalen where I spent a couple of weeks.
You have to give to your body at times too - or it will rebel emotionally and physically.