Hello my name is Meghan. I was so excited to try this I didn't finish reading before I started trying it. and I'm giddy and I never get giddy/excited/hopeful but right now I am to see the results, and everything you said makes total sense to me. I might be able to swim on the 4th!!!
I know you're a "stranger" but you obviously get how f***ing embarrassing and cringe worthy this condition is. I feel the need to tell you my story.
In January 2013 i lost the most important person in my life, my father. I can only hope to meet someone half as amazing as he was for a spouse,or f***, even a friend. About a week or two after he croaked I started using heroin. Now, (I just realized I'll have to give a backstory to the story, and probably a backstory to the backstory, haha) I have always had terrible skin, and it started during puberty and I was lucky enough to have cystic like acne. I was put on Accutane when I was 13 or 14. I was on accutane and every few months I would get severe stomach aches and be vomiting. I wasn't much of a complainer growing up, I have three brothers and didn't want to be seen as a woss or pansy when i was younger so I always rallied when I was in pain. Throughout this time my dad would take me to the doctor's and some specialists to have various procedures and blood work done but I always felt fine at the doc so my bloodwork and G1 Procedures came back normal. At the time both of my parewnts had had cancer either during or before so the docs just credited it to stress, and I didn't know to complain because I had never experienced physical pain before. About a week or two after I turned 16 I was having another one of my attacks so my dad decided to take me to the ER to see if my bloodwork etc. was different and it was. Turned out that I had had (and still have) Acute on Chronic Pancreatitis (basically I overp[roduce digestive enzymes and am slowly digesting myself. as of now my pancreas is 98% scar tissue and I am a type 1 diabetic and am on a fentynl patch and am perscribed dilaudid, I will probably die from it around the age of 40, don't feel bad for me, i just try and live in the present and all is well) Pancreatits/diabetes doesn't run in my family, at the age of 16 I had probably only had one or two drinksd in my life (pancreatitis can be brought on by alcoholism) so I've been told it was probably brought on by the Accutane. Was in and out of the hospital, put on a feedong tube, had to droup out of highschool blah blah because of it. My skin, however was all right. Went on birthcontrol. that kept my skin at bay for the most part, that was until my dad croaked. I had stopped taking birthcontrol for some reason, I honestly think, and this is so sad, I was too lazy to get it from the pharmacy that was less than a mile from my house. At this point I had been on the same pain meds for about 4 years, and still am today. TMI, I'm sorry, but that time of the month stopped happening and I didn't carew because I was told it'd eventually happen but then my skin started getting really bad. Like I said, I started using heroin about two weeks after my dad died, and I thought that combined with not having that time of the month was making my skin bad. But this was f***ing terrible. I wasn't using meth but I looked like a tweaker. I wouldn't leave my hiuse because of my skin. I had a job as a host in a dimly lit restaurant 2-3 nights a week and it was a production to look like a cake face. it hurt so bad, and nothing I did helped. I tried everythimg, you know, aside from quitting heroin. I'm shuddering as I'm about to admit this to you and potentially the world, but along with not leaving my house because of my skin, I also wore make up to bed because I was so disgusted with that way that my skin was I wore make up to bed for when I had to piss in the middle of the night. My mom would comment on it multiple times a day and criticize the way I looked. like I didn't have eyes and know that the disgusting tweaker looking creature staring back at me was, in fact, me. A few months after my dad died my mom decided she was moving to WA from CA and asked if I wanted to move with her. I saw this as the only way to get clean. I figured if I put myself in a new spot and made a point not to seek it or befriend people that were into anything relitively hard amd (drugwise haha) throw myself into school and hiking or something, maybe get back into taking photos (that's what I went to school for round one) i would have a shot at getting clean. And 11 months and one day later I am sitting typing this story to a stranger because he might have found the key to me not looking like a tweaker and not being embarrassed or anxious to leave my house or being able to swim with my friends on the fourth....
But ANYWAY I stopped using but don't get me wrong, I love a cold one or six on occasion. My skin kind of improved. I have had bad ones, but just one at a time on occasion. Most of the time my sp[ots are alll flared up, but they could be worse, or I've gotten used to them, which terrifies me. I have missed school due to embarrassment. I did go to the dermatologist here but of course the one time I'm okay with looking like a tweaker my skin was fine! No patches or scaling looking areas, just scars. They perscribed me an Antibiotic
and I was on my way. The Antibiotics
helped but not as much as I would have liked, I missed school but not as much. I never went back because of financial reasons, It was hard for me to get a job, and even now I haven't worked there for that long so paying my copays was always up in the air, one minute my mom would pay for it the next she wouldn't. The past month I've had to cancel 3 appointments because of work and it's just gotten worse, like they're growing. It's so frustrating because I have been off of heroin for almost a year and I don't even know if that's what started it or...whatever heroin doesn't matter anymore. I had been to scared to 'google' what is going on with my face because i was afraid there was no cure or it was something that only happened to addicts and various other reasons until two days ago. I finally f***ing did it so I could go into the dermatologist and not waste the appointment due to not advocating for myself. I can't be missing school because I'm embarrassed. That's just not f***ing acceptable. Even though I don't think I'll see improvement by the 4th, I can't be making up excuses to not go swimming or to the lake or to tube or whatever WA people to in and around water. That's dumb. My skin shoul;dn't have that much power! So tonight I thought I would search home remidies for the condition I found the other night thats pictures when I searched it mattched my face kind of. Your cure made the most sense to me, I'm not very smart and I have ADD that was magnified in the past year from losing my dad and best friend from high school, but your cure caught my eye and I read the whole thing and IT MAKES SENSE. It held my attention, and that's difficult. I didn't get up to smoke a cigarette halfway through, I went to try thid and now I'm going to look in the mirror real quick...HOLY SHIT. I don't know what to say...It's still all red but I definitely see/feel a reduction in inflamation, it doesn't feel like I have a huge blister on my face, the little blisters look and feel deflated and arn't puffy....
WHAT. THE f***.
Hope is not something I do. It just, isn't. But you have now given that to me. I guess I'm kind of in shock? my areas always felt like one big blister under the skin. to me they look and feel like a huge cystic pimple with baby pimples on top, but they won't pop. and even if I peel them they look like a bunch of tiny white heads. or baby blisters all clumped together ontop of a bigger one. I didn't get the term "scales" until last night. There's no way....
I don't know you and I've shared my story with you and I'm sure you didn't read it, which is fine, I just never, or I wouldn't say never, but I only talk about my skin with my three closet friends and even they're afraid to ask because they don't want to embarrass me. I'm already dreading the 4th because I don't know how to say no to swimming and I'm scared I won't be able to avoid the pool without getting thrown in because it'd be easy to throw me in (I'm 5'7" 120ish, most of the males that will be there are f***ing massive, we're talking 6'2ish 300+ so I don't stand a chance, and my only female friend is 5'3 107ish and I know she'll do everything in her power to not let me get thrown in) but my anxiety about the matter has already decreased.
I can't believe I opened up to a stranger on the internet. Maybe it's because it's clear you know what I'm going through? I highly doubt I made any sense with anuthing I said. I also can't believe I just sat here for so long bugging you.
I'm not sure why. Possibly it's because I trust, or know that you have had the same frustrations and anxiety that I have right now, or you get how it feels (I'm soprry I know I'm putting thoughts and ideas in your head, I'm really not like this, or any of this in real life) to be completely over it or for a long long time you and i have had the same thoughts running through our heads, first thing in the morning last before sleep, and I feel like that is incredibly rare.
I don't know how to thank you. Your cures make sense, I see and feel a difference, I might be able to swim on the 4th rather than feeling incredibly awkward and wanting to go home the entire time....I just don't know how to thank you.
You might have just given me my life back.