I am in a relationship with a man who has a 14 year old daughter. Her mother also calls him to discuss anything that has to do with the girl. It irritates me because it's like he has a second family stashed somewhere. The two of them also ask for money for clothes all the time. The girl is loaded with clothes. Her luggage on a trip we took had clothes for one month. He gave her a 800 dollar credit card for her 14th bday. It's his only daughter and he doesn't see her very much so he spoils her.
It is hard for me too. This girl represents his former family and even looks and acts like her mother. They know my live in BF is now doing well financially so the requests for money tripled. Everything from skiing lessons to dental treatments ( he already pays a hefty child support).
WHat can I say or do? Nothing. It's his daughter and his money.
I don't give my daughters so many expensive presents. They are not spoiled at all.
While we were dating he would give his daugher always very expensive presents (like a go cart (!) and a computer) while he would give my daughters 12 dollar gifts or no gifts at all.
I resented that but then again, it was his daughter and his choice.
So it's not easy. Your guy gets defensive about the mother calling and calls you insecure. My live in does the same. We can't win. They will always put their daughter ahead of us, remember that, always.
The thing for you to do is leave the premises every time the woman calls. He will get the message. Mine has, and keeps is short. I never ask anything about the "other family" and he never tells me anything about them. Maybe that's why I resent his daughter too: he never tells me anything about her. When she visits, she is almost a stranger to me. Any she glues to her father and gives us no privacy. She is emotionally and phsyically much younger than 14 (maybe 8). I just learned to keep out of their way. Sometimes I wish he would go somehwere else with her and leave me alone those days, since I feel like a third wheel every time she visits. It's Daddy and me against the world. And against me too. They bond and gang up together against me whenever I have any argument with him. It's awful. My daughters (much more mature) keep out of our business. They know better and respect us as a couple and gives us privacy. Note: his daughter slept in his bed until the age of 10 when he lives alone. That's how dependant and babied she is. I will never be able to break this bond. She comes first, I know that.
But beware of men who put in their online dating profiles that their children come first. You will always be second fiddle.