Well, our culture of media promotes Me-ism, to the zillionth degree! Look at all of the "reality" programming! People who watch this tripe (kids, AND adults) are witnessing that bad behavior is rewarded with cash! If a person can lie, cheat, steal, and win the contest, they walk away with a bucketload of cash.
Then, there's the "music" that's popular, today. There's no hope, no ambition (except to kill cops or rival drug dealers), too much sex, etc., etc. I see prepubescent girls running around in mini skirts and thoroughly inappropriate attire with a cell phone plastered to their heads, at the mall. In fact, I had to work at a local mall during Holiday Season a few years ago and I was gobsmacked to see parents dropping their little girls off at the mall, handing them a cell phone, and picking these kids up at 9PM on a school night! Now, these little girls were prostituting themselves - NOT for money, but for clothes, toys, earrings, perfume, etc. And, calling the mall security was like calling your local cable company to speak with a living human being!
Then, kids are taught by their school districts that they may call Social Services to report their parents if they feel that they're being abused - I know a woman who had her daughter taken away from her for a month because she put her 12 year old daughter on restriction for bad grades and trouble in school! There's no respect for authority, anymore, particularly parental authority. Then, there was another person who had the Child Protective people at her door because she "forced" her child to complete his homework! The kid actually told the worker that he felt that she was being abusive by insisting that he complete his assignments. My eldest once threatened to call Social Services and I told him that I would be happy to dial the number FOR him - he would have to go to someone's house that he had never met before, and I would get a much deserved vacation from his B.S.!!! He never made that threat, again, though there's more to his story than I care to type, here!
Kids are exposed to entirely too much information, today. They are certainly not equipped to process the majority of the information that they absorb. The best thing that we ever did was to get rid of cable over 2 years ago! Though my kids are out of my house, I don't have to be spoon-fed negative programming and it makes for a happier psyche, for me!
Good luck with your daughter! Give her some Farkitol and you can take some Damitol! <guffawing mightily>
Yes, my eldest practices the same stuff that his father did (does), but he's much more violent. He nearly choked his wife to death and made out like he was having epileptic blackouts. Of course, after much testing, he was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. It's my belief that it can be both genetic and environmental. My son watched what his father did to me to get whatever it was that he wanted, and he now applies the same practices, but even more so. My abuser used to make up all sorts of wild claims that could never be corroborated or disproven. In fact, his whole personna was fabricated. There is nothing about that man that is based upon fact or reality - he's a classic narcissist and, quite possibly, a sociopath. One of his delightful abuse tactics was to ruthlessly torment our family dog if I demonstrated any type of backbone. My son does the same thing, only worse.
Short version of my son: always, always, always in some sort of trouble, including juvenile court, etc. I kicked him out of my house when my mother was dying because of his bad behavior, callous indifference, and thoroughly foolish (dangerous) choices.
He went into the Army and contacted me after going to boot camp, saying, "I understand that there's nothing more important than family." Because I love my son, I went to his graduation (all the way to Ft. Benning, GA from Philly in a rental car), and brought him back for some leave. His father (kid's "hero," you know) had promised to attend the graduation, didn't show, and refused to visit with him while we were driving through Roanoke back to Philly - finall agreed to see his son for 2 hours and took him to Wendy's for graduating from boot camp.
We put him up at a motel at my expense near our home because there remained abuse/trust issues with this kid. Of course, he acted out while he was visiting - set himself up to go AWOL by "losing" ID cards, etc. Went to pick him up one morning and found a known prostitute living in his motel room, condoms on the nightstand, and my son saying he didn't have any idea who she was, etc. Meanwhile, he has lost all of his money as it was "stolen," according to my son.
Off the kid went to the psych ward because he called a friend and threatened suicide. Didn't hear from him for the next 6 months and then I get a call from some psychiatrist at Walter Reed Army Medical Center who left a message saying, "Mrs. ______, this is Dr. _______ at Walter Reed. I need you to return my call so we can discuss the options about your husband." OMIGAWD.....I returned call to learn that the son had married some poor girl on the sly and that he'd nearly killed her - apparently, he beat her up on a regular basis. Since he had listed ME as his family contact, the psych thought that the number he was calling was my daughter-in-law's!
Finally, the kid is getting ready to get out of the service and makes up this fantastic story that he'd been awarded 100K for having been "shot in the line of duty." He also had a job offer (so he said) to work for the gov't starting as a GS-13. Then, he claimed to have had a friend who was purchasing a house and had offered my son living quarters for as long as he wanted, at no charge. Can you see where this is going?
Of course, none of it was true, and we discovered that my son had written bogus checks all over D.C. and Silver Springs, MD, to the tune of 35K, or more. Oh, it was such a horrible slap in the face, you know? There's more to the story, but it all goes the same way. Luckily, I believe that his wife had the marriage annulled, after she visited with us and we had a long, long talk about abuse, narcissism, and honest love. But, the worst discovery was this: he left my home and left behind all of his personal belongings that I had allowed him to store, here. In a plastic grocery bag, I found evidence that he had fabricated Military Service Awards, official military documents, and his DD214, forging signatures of doctors, generals, etc. I almost threw up, literally. I thought about all of the young men and women who have lost their lives in some godforsaken desert or are so maimed that they'll never have a normal life, and it made me so sick to think that someone (my son, no less) could be so arrogant, selfish, and sick as to fabricate Service Award documents.
What I learned through all of this is: I will not accept abuse from any individual, including my own child. And, as a survivor, you are doing the best that you can to demonstrate your courage and strength. If your daughter gets the picture and turns around, that's great! If she chooses a different path, it's not your fault, particularly when she becomes an adult. They all have to make choices, at some point. Sadly, my son never did learn that stupid choices result in dire consequences. For all I know, he' s probably in prison. The last time I spoke to him was to let him know that I had found his forgery kit (complete with golden seals, imprint set, etc.) and that he was to consider me dead and buried. And, even today, I grieve over the son that I had loved so much.
So, hang in there and keep surviving! Sorry for the long post and the wild rant!
Thanks for the sentiments and affirmation that there are people out there who will commit the same sins against others that my son did (still does).
I grieve for my son, most definitely, but I don't experience the depth of pain that I once did - guilt, shame, etc. I will be healing and surviving for the rest of my life. It's the regressions that I fear, today, not the ex or son, etc.!
Best of luck to you, too!
What happened to me was that my ex was able to parrot responses, replies, etc., that he believed that I wanted to hear, see, feel, etc. Those qualities that he did not possess, desired, and despised were mirrored back from me (and, others). Whatever he seemed to be was only a reflection of the visual emotional information that he absorbed from other people. He seemed so caring and interested in me, but little by little, I allowed myself to be objectified and dehumanized.
The dehumanization began as a "one-upmanship" game. If I had menstrual cramps, he had a headache that was worse. If I was suffering the flu, he had it worse than I did. If I attempted to demonstrate emotional strength, he would either physically or verbally beat me down to, "...make (me) pay for my insolence." I don't know about anyone else, but my ex had a very warped view of sex - everything was based upon sex. He once told me, "If I had a vagina, I'd use it everyday." I thought that this was a bizarre thing for any man to disclose, but I was too deep into denial to acknowledge the red flags. The pornography, perversions, etc. were the focus of his relationship with me, and it was all used as another method of control - the withold/reward system of dehumanization. And, why I didn't run when this happened, I will never be able to fully explain: he brought our newborn son to me for a feeding - I was nursing, at the time - and he walked into the room with our infant son suckling his own breast. I asked him what he was doing, and his reply was this, VERBATIM, "It just happened! And, if you ever tell anyone about this, I'll deny it and you'll look crazy!" There is no excuse for why I didn't pack my sh*t up, take my son, and get the hell out.
I want to try to make this perfectly clear: this didn't happen overnight. The narcissist revealed himself over a number of years and, by the time I began questioning my own sanity, he was nearly in absolute control of every aspect of my life. What women (in particular) fail to accept is that these men aren't "holding onto" us, or "just acting like that because they're jealous," or even concerned that we're suffocating, emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually, financially, etc. They do not see anyone (significant others, included) as human beings with feelings, goals, etc. The narcissist objectifies their victim (and, "friends") which alleviates them from any responsibility for intentionally inflicting damage to those people. We...the victims...are no more important to them than a cap from a beer bottle! They do not love us, they are not sorry that they've damaged us, and they will never, ever sincerely apologize for making a mistake - to do so would mean that they would have to accept the fact that they are flawed human beings, just like everyone else, and they cannot abide such a notion. That's why there are tangible gifts instead of agreement to family therapy when they damage us - accountability, responsibility, honesty, integrity, courage, and/or empathy are not in their vocabulary.
Best of luck to you!
In my case, pornography was just a symptom of my ex's narcissism. I had never known what pornography was until I was married to him. And, before I was even introduced to his appetite for porn, he had already begun to display sexual perversions that I really didn't understand until many years later. I mean, erotic games is one thing, but demanding violence during sex is another!
God, but he's a sick man and I pity any man or woman that comes into contact with him. In fact, he's never been able to maintain a friendship (other than superficial) for longer than a few months. He is utterly incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship with a man, and he absolutely despises women and has used them up like snotrags since I left him, and, I believe, before I left him, as well.
Yepper, toxic people mean a toxic self, and I won't allow anyone (spouse, child, friend) to play their control games with me, again!
It's not only morbidly comical, but it's pathetic, don't you know?!?!?! LMAOLMAOLMAO My ex said to me once, and I know I've posted it on some forum or other (verbatim), "If I had a vagina, I'd use it every day." And, he despises women and said as much at one point when he was teaching our eldest son (carbon copy narcissist) to say inappropriate things to girls at age 6 after I asked him WHY he encouraged this kid to approach girls in such an aggressive way! His answer (verbatim), "I don't want him growing up afraid of women like I did."
I should have snatched that kid up and run........<sigh>......I'm safe, happy, and whole, today. <high five>