It is my dear hope that this poster will reply, and will take you seriously, SS. It is so hard to accept the reality of who we are dealing with. This person "loves" us! It is a hassle to leave!! I don't want to lose my "stuff"!! Those attitudes nearly killed me. The women that have turned up dead as a result of domestic abuse "loved" their husbands, and their husbands "loved" them - to death. Abusers declare loudly and constantly how much they love their partners, even as they are controlling them or choking them to the floor. "I love you, you f-ing b_tch", was a common and favorite phrase of my ex, usually delivered screaming an inch from my face. Too many women cannot wrap their minds around the reality that these men may KILL them. It's too incredible too unbelievable. WE would never kill them!!! How can you kill that which you love. Unfortunately, their very insane passion for you is the very thing that kills you. No, no one wants the inconvenience of walking away from their stuff. No one wants to lose it all, and start over. But you are correct, it really is just "stuff", and we, WE are precious creations, unique and one of a kind. There are sofas everywhere, but only one Mary. I am fortunate to have survived as well, SS, you know some of my story. I have not posted in a really long time anywhere on CZ, but your response moved me. Too many people told me what you are telling this poster, but it just sounded "too hard" for me to do. I paid with my soul for the longest for this reluctance to save myself. I almost didn't make it back. I had carried the picture in my mind that only the really, REALLY abused were the ones that died, or crumbled into a pile of crap. And the picture I had of those women were of ugly, toothless, weak, trailer-trashy kinda women that were beaten by fat, wife-beater wearing guys yelling "get me a beer b_tch" and scratching their balls. Not ME - I was "better than that" and so was he, so he would NEVER be a threat to me, REALLY. Only in the end, I almost lost myself forever. I almost died for that arrogant attitude that I had.
Today is different. I am different. It was a hassle indeed, and I lost much "stuff" in the process. Today, I know it was a hassle and a loss that I would gladly repeat in order to never give my Self away again. It was worth it, as opposed to dragging on and on AND ON in a place that gave me no joy, no hope and no life. And that is bondage, and there is no freedom in that place, and time passes so slowly as you beg and plead and pray and hope that some how it will "change".
The odds of someone who batters changing is slim to none. It is too hard for them, as abusers continually and chronically blame others for their demise, and real change involves self-actualization. This is why I understand how hard it is for victims to get out - they have to step aside from the victim stance and self-actualize, too. But batterers and narcissists, they almost NEVER get to that point. And I can't believe that there is a batterer out there who is NOT a narcissist. It seems to go hand in hand.
SS, I have not posted in so long, but your post moved me. I see you patiently and diligently explaining to all who come along your story and the careful instruction about how to change it. You have courage and fortitude, and you really helped me last year with my situation about my father. I appreciate you. I have reflected on this year, and it has been a big growth year for me. You were a part of it, I had this "cheerleader" over there, with no face, who had been where I was and could encourage me. I am glad to take this trip backward to re-member my Self.
I hope that our poster will take you seriously and leave, or there will be no college. They snuff it out of you, steal anything that is precious to you, and suck out your soul. But only if you let them.