I notice that because I have gotten so angry then made up with my lady friend,
the more and more my feelings of infatuation disappear and the more genuine
feelings that actually arise afterwards.
I become so infuriated and pissed off because of stupid things like jealousy
and I become so enraged and upset with her.Then when I cool off and think
about all the little things she does to show me that she really cares,it
really makes me see how much she actually does and I really do appreciate it all.
Does anger and then making up bind us tighter together?
It seems like though she has hurt me,I have felt hurt and badly in the past
with her..it seems like,I can now deal with being angry with her without
having to hate her or just call it quits for some reason or another.
I can actually tolerate it all and willing to deal with it..why?
I don't know..I usually just give up on people and just say 'fawk it' lol.
But now it's like,it's okay..no matter how pissed off I get,no matter
how much bad feelings that may arise,no matter what..when the smoke
clears..I still CARE about her,very much so in spite of how badly
I may have felt towards her.
I don't understand any of this other then I DO feel badly for treating
her so poorly in the past and I still do feel badly at times.
I really do like her but at times she just frustrates me so so so so
much to the point of just throwing my hands up in the air.
I fight the feelings that arises when I think of her and when we are
together,only because I am afraid of being totally consumed by her...
I like her so much though so afraid of letting her in.
I know I am going into major defensive mode,but that's just 'my thing'.
Whenever someone get's too close,I push them away,
I pick fights,I get upset with them,I tell myself..it's over for good!
though deep inside I care about them terribly..so friggin' terribly.
I don't want to loose her but then again I can't totally be with her..
it just sucks because she is giving me so many chances and has so much
patience with me,I just wish I had the same level as she did.
I just don't know what to do with all of these feelings and thoughts
it really does bother me.I have changed my ways so much for this girl it's
not even funny.
I just wish I could treat her better and see all the things that she
does for me instead of being totally consumed by all the delusional
jealously issues that arise in my mind...
I am no angel,I have hurt her feelings so many times in the past.
I just hope it's not too late to make a change and that she still
cares about me as deeply as I care about her.
I am just so afraid of this one because of how much she has effected me
in so so so little time.I know we are good for one another,but it's just
that I get in my own way so many times...