well..not so much Depression but if something is on my mind it literally PLAGUES my psyche.My mood changes,I become withdrawn and introverted,suspicious and upset.
I kinda stay in that mood/mind set.I drink whiskey every few days and that helps
though I know it's not the best thing for me to be doing so often.
We talked today and I feel better about things in general.I told her that I'll put in more effort to listen more,talk more and just put in a little more effort when I am having one of my bad days because I would usually just shut her out.Those times though she always wants to talk or do things with me lol..go figure.
I think she may sense my turmoil inside and want to pull me out of that state..usually she does but on some days I am just not there.I can sense her patience and understanding with me.
I just want more then sex with her..in the beginning it kinda was just about sex but now that I know her,her heart and innocence to the world shines through and the goodness and kindness about her captured and consumes me.She just made me realize so many things both about me and answered so many questions in my mind.
I thought I knew how to handle all of this..be it emotional or whatever.But I guess I really don't.
I think the biggest hurdle for me is that I used to be so so so so consumed by anger,hate,resentment and bitterness concerning girls,relationships,sex and just people in general that now..today,trying to climb out of my shell more to let people in,even the one person that matters most to me..it's just so hard not to shut her out with the rest of the world as I am so used to doing.It sometimes feels like the closer and closer she gets to me the more and more distant I become..this is a horribly bad habit that I have developed in the past decade..
before her there really was NO ONE and by no one I really really really mean
Do I love her?
But I do like her alot.I do see myself in the future being in love with her but right now I just don't know if I can let anyone get that close to me nor allowing myself to be that vulnerable at this moment in time.I can deal with sex,that's a given..it's just the other stuff that perplex me.