Re: I NEED HELP, my abuse is affecting my life!

All right...you're listing a bunch of labels that are intended to either explain or excuse your behaviors. What I would strongly urge is that you involve yourself with a counselor/therapist that specifically addresses sexual abuse.

You mentioned that you began your healing process some years ago, but I beg to differ. Rather, you discovered that you had been horribly abused and your constant cleansing, feeling dirty, and attempts to "wash away" perceived grime is a screaming symptom of your experiences. The act of washing, itself, is a physical attempt to comply with the emotional trauma of having been horribly violated, especially when you had no control over what your abuser subjected you to. It is not uncommon for rape victims to immediately wash away evidence of the crime that was perpetrated against them. And, it is not uncommon for victims of sexual abuse as children to have the same reaction, later in their lives - the mind is trying to work itself around the events and, without assistance and guidance, it's doing the only thing that it knows that it can. Additionally, "cleansing" is something over which you have control - the crimes that were perpetrated upon you are not.

I would call my local mental health (I HATE THAT TERM, because it's EMOTIONAL, not MENTAL) referral service and locate a counselor/therapist that is a sexual abuse specialist, make the appointment, and GO. A professional has techniques and tools that will help you to overcome your childhood issues, attend to your present issues, and help you to move through your experiences into a better space. I would also set aside any "diagnoses" of ADHD, borderline personality disorder, etc., until I had about a year of therapy under my belt - sometimes, it takes a good while to have a personal breakthrough, so be patient and do it for your Self (Self is that part of you which makes you unique in the world).

Best wishes to you.