BTDT, he hasn't gotten to the party part yet, he's still in the "I'm not worthy" part of the story.
And I don't say that Adam to make fun of you at all. I know how you feel. It's hard where you are at. I really think it's the pain you are in that is keeping you from being able to feel any of God's love right now. I get to that point too sometimes.
Just like BTDT, I thought of the prodigal son when I read your post. The father was waiting with open arms for his pig smelling son to return. He was full of joy to have him back no matter what wickedness he had done.
It grieves God for us to keep running in shame from Him when what he really wants is for us to run to him and be healed of all our shame and guilt. And that doesn't mean all the consequences of our sins are erased when we do that. But we can deal with the consequences so much better with knowing God loves us, he hasn't rejected us, and he's working out all those evil things we did for good.
Like I said, I struggle with these things too. I need to hear this message myself, and often.