I understand the feeling of wanting to give up. Many people who are chronically ill struggle with that..sometimes daily.
I also understand feeling like you're walking around in a fog and disconnected; when I was at my worst that's how I felt. They're kind of 'I'm here but I'm not really here and I know I'm not functioning at anywhere near my capacity' and 'going through the motions' type feelings? For me, these are directly related to inflammation and/or neurochemical dysregulation. Inflammation can be caused by diet or toxins (the body's reaction to toxins, specifically), generally. The neurochemical dysregulation can be caused by liver dysfunction, which is generally caused by diet and/or exposure to toxins.
That you grew up on a farm strongly suggests parasitosis, to me. Also, you mentioned that everything started around age 4. Was there some trauma or anything significant you can remember around then?
Either way (and I know it's hard), I strongly encourage you to consider diet modifications and parasite cleansing. Both were key to my recovery, and are implicated in most chronic illness.