As a former suicide counselor, your post really worries me. It sounds like you've thought a lot about taking your own life. Please don't do it. Depression is a terrible thing, and at times it can feel like anything, even death, would be better than suffering through another day. Your case sounds especially frustrating because there is this disconnect between the successful person others see you as and the hurt and wounded person you feel like on the inside. Don't ever feel that just because you have an outwardly successful life that you don't have a right to feel depressed: your feelings are your own, they are real, and you deserve to take them seriously (and others should take them seriously as well.) I don't have much experience with alternative medicine, so I can't comment on whether or not it will help you. No matter what you do, however, I hope that you see a counselor who can support you as you confront your Depression and begin to find a way out of it. There are many good counselors out there who will genuinely care about you and not force you to take antidepressants if you don't want to. You might want to try seeing a psychologist or a social worker rather than a psychiatrist if you feel antidepressants don't work for you. It's extremely important that you seek professional help in some form, because your life does not have to be (and should not be) as painful as it has become. I will pray for you, and I hope you follow my advice.