Re:Feeling like im going in circles

I have been suffering from Depression for a long time i think as a teenager.I am now 33 and it has been affecting me on and off and ive been running away from it and trying to get on with life like a normal person but i cant seem to, it has caused me to loose jobs to loose contact with people and to be abandoned by partners in relationships which has led to an affirmation of not being worthy of love.At times when i cant cope i feel like a failure, useless and unloved.This rejection came early i lived with a depressed mother who never showed her love openly and sometime i felt didnt like me and a selfish father who was jealous, manipulative and critical.My mother came from a family with a history of suicide and Depression and alcoholism which i am very aware of and she died when i was still a teenager.Having moved to other places with my parents which gave a sense of not belonging or being an outsider and having watched my parents fights and anger and a father belittling his wife and eventually the trauma of living with a depressed mother and watching her attempts at suicide.I have even so clung on,but its been in suffering and i wish to be rid of the feelings and fears and feel genuinly happy about life.
I seem to go through episodes in my life of just doing well but not feeling happy inside and like other people think whats wrong with you, you have a good job a nice place just pull yourself together and get on with it like the rest of us! and i feel even worse i feel less than and unable to feel any job.My head hurts my muscles in my head and shoulders ache my neck is always hung low and hurts my posture is bad and i feel unable to cope.
Where do i start ive had three weeks off work and i feel guilty i feel like im just moping around and i should pull myself together but i cant and im contemplating going back next week but i dont really feel like it but then i cant pay all my rent and the problems just get bigger and bigger its like its gonna cripple me...from being me...what do i do? Tweet