Failed my fast again. Made another bet again. At kind of a depressing, low point before I made the bet today again. This time I just want my $50 back. Decided that before I am going to eat next time, journal about it and dispute with myself to prevent eating. Looking at my attempted extended fast success rate, it is like below 1% likely I will succeed. But I am trying a new technique here. Learned it from a psychologist who said it is called cognitive behavioral therapy, CBT. 23 days this time. Ya... Don't know what to make of it. Falling apart. I was also regretful after eating today, of course. Feel like I am the Satan failing. I don't want to be Satan. I can even see his redness in my mind's eye. I am just so weak. But giving this notebook thing a go.
Also encountered a dilemma with God who I asked a question to. I asked him how will I succeed on my extended fast, and he kept telling me I have to marry his wife. Oh, now he changes his mind, I have to rinse (?).. I married God two years ago with a ring, saying I will never marry another... No, he says it isn't like that, I have to marry his righteous wife. Well, I wonder where to find her and whether she is a deity or a nun. He says she is a nun. He indicates it is Mother Theresa. I actually have a dream of being like Mother Theresa and one day adopting all the homeless children of the world. Also ease human suffering with my science. He says I need to make a sacrifice to her. I need to righteously fast for her. I guess that would glorify her. And I deeply care about this issue too. When emotions are involved, it beats intentions and thoughts, studies find, in having self-control and beating cravings. Another image comes to mind. I suddenly become good at school. Then, out of anger at something, I dropped three important classes. Ended up with hyperacusis pain. They say people who complain of pain are depressed. So I made myself depressed by dropping classes. This is a memory of self-inflicting pain. Funny word, self-inflicting pain. I just thought about this because I remember my emotionality made me finally good at school and my emotionality took it away. I got better from hyperacusis by fasting and running.